


The Son of the President

by pastawithjamsauce



Series: President's Son [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2016 US Presidential Election, 2020 US Presidential Election, Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Trump, Alternate Universe - Politics, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, American Politics, American Presidents, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Co-Parent Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has a Panty Kink, Famous Castiel (Supernatural), Fluff, Graduate Student Castiel (Supernatural), Gratuitous Smut, Gun Violence, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lovett or Leave It, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Minor Character Death, Oral Sex, Parent Dean Winchester, Pod Save America, Politics, Scientist Castiel (Supernatural), Smut, Unapologetically Liberal, crooked media, donald trump does not exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-19 14:33:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 55
Words: 83,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22545829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastawithjamsauce/pseuds/pastawithjamsauce
Summary: When Dean Winchester meets a cute guy in the library, he doesn't expect him to be the son of the United States President. He also doesn't expect to fall in love. He definitely does not foresee himself getting mixed up in a bitter race for the US presidency or uncovering a criminal conspiracy.In a world where Trump does not exist, will President Chuck Shurley get re-elected? Can love overcome the stresses of massive worldwide attention and personal tragedy?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Series: President's Son [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622155
Comments: 168
Kudos: 210
Collections: The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. Chapter 1 (May 31, 2019)

**Author's Note:**

> Posting today in honor of the Iowa Caucuses! This is my first time posting anything this long. I hope you enjoy. <3 
> 
> This will be the first book in a series. I am currently in the middle of writing the second book, but I hate posting things unfinished. If you are interested in reading further in this series, please subscribe to the series.

#  **Chapter One**

_(Dean)_

Dean tapped his foot irritably and glared at his phone. 

_5:43._

Sam was _supposed_ to meet him in the parking lot thirteen minutes ago, but instead, there was _no Sam_. He was considering sending Sam another text when his phone finally vibrated with a text notification.

 **Sam (5:45 PM):** Hey, sorry. I lost track of time. Do you mind meeting me in Green Library? It might be more comfortable for you to wait inside. I have to finish scanning these pages before we go. They haven’t digitized the source I need for my case study, and I need to work on it this weekend

Dean groaned. He really wanted to get on the road. It was only his deep pride for Sam’s education that stopped him from sending him a message telling him to fuck the sources and get his ass out to the car.

He reluctantly got out of the car and headed over to the library, which was much more packed than he’d ever seen it. He supposed it was only a week before finals, but it meant that there weren’t many open spaces for him to sit at. All the comfortable chairs were taken, and most of the tables were completely filled or mostly filled full of groups working together. 

There was only one table that had a single person at it. The table was almost entirely filled full of books, but there was only one person sitting at the table, furiously scribbling notes. His head was bowed down to focus on the books, so all Dean could really see was the messy hair on top of his head.

Not wanting to wander the entire library looking for Sam, he decided to take his best shot and went up to the table.

“Umm, excuse me,” Dean said confidently, but he was immediately taken aback once the man looked up at him. Under that messy bedhead was an _incredibly_ attractive man with startlingly blue eyes and a cute, slightly befuddled expression.

“Yes?” the guy asked in a surprisingly deep voice, before glancing over to something on the wall behind Dean.

Dean glanced to see what he was looking at, but only saw two burly men in suits leaning against the wall.

“Can I help you?” the man asked again. Dean flushed; he’d been so distracted by this man’s face and voice that he’d completely forgotten to ask if he could sit with him.

“Umm… It’s really busy in here, and I was just wondering if I could sit here?” Dean asked, before wincing at how awkward he sounded.

The man squinted at him. “Are you a reporter?”

“What?” Dean asked. “No. Why would I be a reporter?”

The man tilted his head, looking even more confused. “Are you a student here?”

Dean rubbed his neck. “Umm… No. Not that either.”

“I see,” the man said. “And you want to sit in the library without any books, because…?”

As attractive as the man was, Dean was starting to get irritated about being questioned, which led to him saying, “Look, I didn’t know you owned this table and were incapable of sharing, so if you don’t want anyone else sitting here, I’ll just—”

“Wait,” the man interrupted. “You can stay.”

“Uhh, thanks,” Dean said as he dragged the chair out from the table to sit down. 

The man went back to looking at his books, but even as Dean tried to distract himself by scrolling through his phone, he could tell that the man wasn’t really paying attention to his books at all. He kept surreptitiously glancing over at Dean, and he hadn’t scribbled anything in his notes since Dean sat down.

Wanting to break the tension, Dean said, “I’m Dean.”

The man’s face shot up to look at him. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean paused for a few seconds, before saying, “And you are…”

This caused the man to squint at him again, before saying, “I’m, uh, Castiel.”

“Castiel, huh. Interesting name. Sounds vaguely familiar,” Dean responded.

Castiel smirked. “Yes, it’s pretty rare, but I suppose there’s a good chance you might have heard it before. So, what brings you here if you’re not a student and you’re not here to look at anything other than your phone, Dean?”

“Waiting for my brother,” Dean answered. “ _He_ ’s a student.”

“And what do you do?” Castiel asked.

Dean’s face reddened. “Just a mechanic, man.”

Castiel shrugged. “Nothing _just_ about it. I know I wouldn’t have the first clue about how to fix a car if one broke on me.”

“Yeah, but I’m not...you know, not like _you_ or my brother _Sam._ I’m not exactly good at… all this,” Dean said as he gestured at the books on the table between them.

“Everyone has different strengths,” Castiel said simply. 

“What are your strengths, then?” Dean asked, gesturing again to the piles of open books in front of him. “What are you studying with that big brain of yours?”

Castiel flushed and answered, “I’m a doctoral candidate in the Environment and Resources program. I’m focusing my dissertation on how climate change is causing mass displacement and migration. I mean, it’s more specific than that, but that’s the broad idea.”

“Jeez, Castiel,” Dean said, suddenly feeling even more inadequate. “Guess you must not be a huge fan of the current President and his climate change policies then, huh.”

Castiel snorted and loudly laughed, leading to people at other tables glaring at him, though nobody tried to shush him.

“You could say that,” Castiel said with a small smirk. “Are you interested in politics, Dean?”

“Not really,” Dean answered self-consciously. “Just pay attention enough to know the president is kinda a climate-denying dick.”

Castiel’s face broke out into a wide, gummy smile. He looked like he was about to say something else, when suddenly Sam joined them, looking remarkably uncomfortable.

“Oh, Castiel! This is my brother, Sam, the smart one,” Dean said, introducing Sam.

“Um, hi, it’s nice to meet you,” Sam replied, holding out his hand for Castiel to shake.

“Nice to meet you too, Sam,” Castiel said, before biting his lip. “I guess you guys have to go, but if I give you my number, Dean, will you _promise_ not to give it to anyone else? Even if they offer to pay you?”

Sam’s mouth gaped open, while Dean just burrowed his brow. “The fuck kinda guy you think I am? ‘Course I won’t just give your number to random people.”

Castiel shook his head with apparent amusement as he tore a piece of paper out from his notebook and scribbled his number down.

“Contact me on WhatsApp, not through text message,” Castiel added, causing Dean to shrug. 

As Castiel handed his number over to Dean, he said, “Maybe we could meet sometime? Maybe this weekend?”

“Ah, Sam and I are going out of town today and won’t be back until Sunday night, so… not this weekend. Or, um, any weekend,” Dean said, causing Castiel to frown.

“Because I’m busy - I work - on weekends,” Dean clarified, before wincing at the lie. “Um, but, some other day, during the week, after you’re done with your research sometime?”

“I’d like that, Dean,” Castiel said. “Very much.”

“You got it, handsome,” Dean said with a wink, which led to Castiel’s face turning bright red and Sam making a strange squeak from next to him.


	2. Chapter 2 (May 31, 2019)

#  **Chapter Two**

_(Dean)_

As soon as they were outside the library, Sam loudly whispered, “Do you have any idea who that was?”

“Uh, Castiel?” Dean answered.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Do you know who his father is?”

“No fucking clue, Sam,” Dean replied.

“He’s Castiel _Shurley_ , Dean,” Sam replied, stressing the Shurley. “He’s the president’s son.”

Dean’s eyes widened dramatically. “Shit, I called him a dick.”

“You called Castiel a dick?” Sam asked.

“No. I called his father a dick,” Dean answered.

“You told the president’s son that his father, the President of the United States, is a dick?” Sam asked incredulously.

Dean shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. I didn’t know who he was, Sam!”

“Why’d you think he was sitting alone, Dean?” Sam asked. “Why’d you think there were two secret service agents watching him the whole time?”

Dean’s eyes lit up. “So that’s who the guys in suits were!”

“You’re an idiot, Dean,” Sam replied.

Dean smirked and took the piece of paper with Cas’s number out of his pocket. “I might be an idiot, but I’m the idiot with a future date with the president’s son. Guess hearing his father bad-mouthed really does it for him.”

“Yeah, too bad you _work_ on the weekends,” Sam said coldly.

Dean frowned. “I wasn’t trying to lie…”

“Lies just slipped out by accident, then?” Sam asked.

“You try telling someone you’ve got a kid before the first date,” Dean replied as they reached the Impala. “Which, speaking of, can we just get to my kid? I was _hoping_ to get there before dinner, but _somebody_ wasn’t ready on time.”

“Oh yeah, Dean? You wish I’d been ready on time?” Sam asked as he got in the car.

Dean got in the driver’s side and winked at Sam. “I guess there were some side benefits to your awful time management skills.”

“Want me to tell Lisa all about those side benefits?” Sam asked, causing Dean to glare at him.

“Really fucking don’t,” Dean replied with a roll of his eyes. “Last thing I need is Lis questioning my potential future dating life.”

“With the son of the president,” Sam added.

Dean grinned. “Hey, when you got game…”

“I’m serious, Dean, you need to really think about this. Do you want the public attention of dating the president’s son?” Sam asked. “The _Republican_ president who isn’t exactly a big supporter of LGBTQ rights?”

Dean frowned. “Shit. I didn’t really think about that.”

“Yeah, you never think,” Sam said with a sigh. “Just be careful.”

The rest of the trip to Oakland was fairly quiet other than the constant background of classic rock after Sam brought out his laptop and started working on something Dean couldn’t begin to understand. Normally, he left earlier in the afternoon on Friday and got to Oakland before dinner time. He’d eat dinner with Lisa, Ben, and her husband Matt, and then take Ben back home to stay with him for the weekend.

That weekend, however, was his seven year old son’s belt ceremony at his karate dojo. He was earning a green belt, and Dean was incredibly proud of him. Sam decided he’d wanted to see his nephew’s ceremony, so Dean had to leave later than he normally would to be able to bring him along.

It _also_ meant he’d have to spend a weekend at Lisa and Matt’s house. They had a good co-parenting relationship, and he considered Lisa a friend, but there was always something awkward about being in their nice, big house. He hated comparing it to his tiny apartment, where Ben’s “room” was walled off just by a curtain he’d rigged to hang over the corner of the main living area. He hated comparing their stable, happy relationship to his own string of one night stands or brief casual flings, none of which ever met Ben.

The last person he’d even _considered_ introducing to Ben, Cassie, had left him as soon as he told her he had a kid. She’d felt like he lied to him by not mentioning he had a kid during the two months they had been casually dating.

He briefly considered what a coincidence it was that Cassie was such a close name to Castiel, and it led him to thinking of the lie he’d told him. Instead of saying he spent his weekends with his child, he’d said he worked on the weekends.

To be fair, Castiel hadn’t mentioned anything about being the son of the president of the United States, so he considered them even. The lie did nag at him, though - as did Sam’s points about not wanting to be in the public eye.

He certainly did not want to be in the public eye… but he supposed there was no harm in a one night stand...or two. Dean couldn’t deny the attraction he had for the man. Although he’d been with men before, they’d all been one night stands or friends with benefits, with Dean unable to push through his own fears about coming out enough to try an actual relationship.

There was no reason for him to think that Castiel would be any different. What could be the harm of a simple one night stand? Castiel had certainly seemed interested, and Dean… well, it would be hard to find somebody who ticked _more_ of Dean’s boxes. That _face_ , those _eyes,_ that _hair,_ and that fucking _voice_ … Maybe if he could just get him in a doctor’s coat and some cowboy boots…

Fuck, he really needed to think about something else. Getting a boner with his brother in the car while driving to his son was not really his greatest plan. He shifted in his seat a bit to try to ease the pressure, and forced himself to think about other things, like the old lady that had come in with her broken ass shitty Toyota that morning. 

It wasn’t long before they pulled up in front of Lisa’s house and he immediately saw his son rushing out to greet them, wearing the AC/DC shirt Dean had gotten him last Christmas. Dean smiled; nothing made him happier than seeing his son. Not even a ridiculously attractive nerd who happened to be the son of the most powerful man on the planet.


	3. Chapter 3 (May 31, 2019)

#  **Chapter Three**

_(Dean)_

He wasn’t wrong that they’d already had dinner by the time they got there, which wasn’t overly surprising because it was nearly 8 and Ben’s bedtime was 8:30. Lisa apologized for not waiting, but Dean and Sam both waved off her apology and were simply thankful she’d made enough that there were leftovers for them to eat.

As he ate the reheated spaghetti, Ben excitedly told him about everything he’d done at school that week. Dean tried to keep up with his excited chatter, but only really gave him his whole attention once an unexpected topic came up.

“—And then Suzie told Erin that she didn’t have a _real family_ because she had two moms and no dads, and Erin started to cry, so then I called Suzie a bitch! And then _I_ got in trouble!”

“It was good you stuck up for Erin, buddy,” Dean said. After seeing Lisa’s expression, he quickly added, “You could have used better language, though.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I _know_ , Dad. I got grounded for _two whole days._ She just made me so mad.”

“So… you don’t think it’d be weird to have two moms? What about two dads?” Dean asked.

Ben’s face twisted in confusion. “I _do_ have two dads.” The words, while true, felt like a stab to his chest. Matt had been a part of his life since he was three, and he knew Ben spent more time with Matt than he did with him. He didn’t have a problem with Matt being a father figure; on the contrary, he was thrilled that there was someone else that loved him as a parent, but it didn’t stop him from feeling replaced.

He cleared his throat, and tried to remove any sense of upset. “I meant, uh, how would you feel if there were three dads? If I was dating a guy?”

He could see the curiosity brewing on Sam and Lisa’s face, and vowed to ignore it entirely.

Ben stroked his chin thoughtfully and then said, “I guess that’d be okay, as long as he gave me comic books and video games.”

Dean grinned and reached over to ruffle his kid’s hair. “You’re the best, Benosaurus.”

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed, Ben?” Lisa interrupted. 

“But Dad and Uncle Sam just got here!” Ben objected.

Lisa raised her eyebrow at him. “Ben, they’ll be here all weekend. Go get ready for bed. After you get your pajamas on and brush your teeth, you can come back in and say goodnight to them before going to sleep.”

Ben let out a huff of disappointment, but nevertheless went towards the bathroom. 

“So…” Lisa started.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Don’t, Lis.”

“I’m just wondering if you’re dating someone, a guy perhaps,” Lisa asked with a small smirk.

“Yeah, Dean, you have your eye on anyone special?” Sam added.

Dean shot a glare at Sam. 

“Well?” Lisa probed.

Dean sighed, knowing she wouldn’t let it go.

“No,” Dean answered truthfully. “Nobody serious, anyway. I’ve had, you know, flings. It’s just that…well, I’ve never come out to him, you know? I’ve never come out to anyone other than you, Sam, Bobby, and Jo. He’s my son, and he’s finally at an age where he could understand, and I just… he stood up for that other kid, and part of me wondered if it was a sign that I should stop being so scared about what he’d think of me.”

“Dean, he’s not going to think any less of you for being bisexual,” Lisa assured him. “We’ve raised him better than that.”

“I know. It’s just… the way we were raised…” Dean trailed off, but they both understood.

“John hasn’t had nearly enough time with Ben to instill his toxic values into him,” Sam said with a slight edge to his voice. As much as Dean had his own issues with his father, Sam wouldn’t even acknowledge him as a father anymore. 

Dean frowned. Sam wasn’t wrong; his father was barely a part of his life, much less his son’s life, especially since he’d moved to California.

“I’m just hoping this means that _you_ are finally willing to look past his views,” Sam continued. “I’ve met a lot of your girlfriends. I’ve never met one of your boyfriends. I feel like there’s a reason for that, even though you came out to me years ago. There’s a reason you aren’t entirely out, and I wish you could get past whatever it is.” 

Dean shrugged, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

“He’s right, Dean. We’re all here for you, you know that. Whenever you’re ready to be more open, and whenever you want to have that discussion with Ben, we’ll be here to support you,” Lisa stated. 

The conversation was abruptly cut short when Matt chose that moment to enter the kitchen. As much as he liked Matt as a person, this conversation was definitely a non-Matt conversation. He was friendly with Matt, but there were very few people he felt comfortable opening up to, and Matt certainly was not one of those people. Both Sam and Lisa seemed to realize that and dropped the topic immediately.

“Good to see you guys,” Matt said, coming in to give hugs to both Dean and Sam. “Sorry about not coming out to greet you. Another doctor called me for a consult about a patient.”

“No big, man, good to see you too,” Dean replied. “Thanks for letting us stay with you guys for the weekend.”

Matt shrugged. “Hey, you’re family. I’m just glad you guys could make it for the belt ceremony. He’s really been working hard.”

Dean smiled. Ben was always something he was happy to talk about. “Yeah, he’s been talking about the ceremony for weeks. I wouldn’t miss it.”

“You want to watch the game with me after the kiddo gets in bed?” Matt asked Dean and Sam.

Sam shook his head. “Sorry, got an assignment I have to work on.”

Normally Dean would say yes. But tonight…

“I’m actually feeling kinda beat,” Dean said. “Think I might just head to bed early.”

Matt reached over to squeeze Dean’s shoulder. “Guess we’re all getting old.”

Dean grinned and shrugged. “Guess so, man.”

He could see Sam’s raised eyebrow, but thankfully he didn’t call him out on his bullshit. It might have been a long day, but that definitely was not the reason he wanted the night to himself.


	4. Chapter 4 (May 31, 2019)

#  **Chapter Four**

_(Dean)_

Once he was finally settled in their guest room, he borrowed Ben’s laptop to do the research he’d been dying to do since earlier this afternoon.

He’d googled people he was interested in before, but those searches were usually limited to looking through their social media accounts. He’d never been interested in someone that had _11,900,000 results_ when he searched for them before. He’d never been interested in someone _with their own Wikipedia page_. 

Unable to push away his curiosity, he opened the Wikipedia page and was immediately drawn to the picture they’d used. In it, Castiel was in an ill-fitting trenchcoat and looked extremely irritable. He was still sinfully hot, but was that _really_ the best picture they could find of him?

## Castiel Shurley

**Castiel James Shurley** (born July 10, 1990) is a climate scientist currently working on his PhD at Stanford University. [1] He is best known for being the fifth and youngest child of U.S. President Chuck Shurley and First Lady Naomi Shurley. 

## Early years

Shurley was born in Fairway, Kansas on July 10, 1990.[2] He was named after his mother’s father, Castiel Novak, who died a month before he was born.[3] He is the younger brother of Michael Shurley, Luke Shurley, Gabriel Shurley, and Anna Milton. 

He moved to Topeka, Kansas when he was five years old. [4] When Castiel was six years old, he and his sister Anna accompanied his parents as they campaigned throughout Kansas for their father’s gubernatorial race, while their older brothers were in college or boarding school.[5] Castiel Shurley was homeschooled by his mother until he attended high school at Maur-Hill Mount Academy, a Catholic boarding school in Atchison, Kansas.[6][7] 

## Education and academic life

Shurley entered Yale University in the fall of 2008.[8] Shurley obtained a B.S. degree in geology & geophysics, with highest honors, at Yale University in 2012.[9] While he was attending Yale University, he was photographed drinking beer and the photographs were leaked to the press.[10] This caused controversy in his father’s 2009 re-election campaign to the U.S. Senate, because he was under the legal drinking age. [12]

In 2014, he was awarded a Rhodes scholarship at Oxford University for a doctoral training partnership in environmental research, focusing on the physical climate system. [13] He graduated with a DPhil in Earth Sciences in 2017.[14] While he was at Oxford, his father campaigned to become the 45th President of the United States. His father was elected president on Tuesday, November 8, 2016.[15] 

In 2018, he enrolled as a doctoral student at Stanford University, focusing on Environment & Resources. [16]

## 2016 presidential campaign

_Main article:_ _Chuck Shurley 2016 presidential campaign_

Throughout his father’s campaign, Castiel did not endorse or oppose his father. This was in contrast to his siblings. Michael and Luke supported and campaigned with their father, while Gabriel and Anna vocally opposed his candidacy and held fundraisers for Hillary Clinton, his opponent.[17] This created a large controversy and was called the Shurley Civil War by the press. [18] Castiel’s refusal to endorse or oppose was criticized by public figures from both political parties. [19][20][21][22] 

## Personal life

Shurley began dating future television star Meg Masters at Maur-Hill Mount Academy.[23] They started dating in their junior year of high school, and remained in a relationship after graduating, even though Shurley enrolled in Yale and Masters moved to California to pursue an acting career. [24] During the Christmas holidays of 2010, they were photographed drinking together at a party on Yale’s campus and the photographs were leaked to the press.[25] One month later, Masters confirmed that they were no longer dating.[26] Despite the fact that they are no longer dating, she has since referred to him as her “unicorn” and wrote an op-ed for The Washington Post during the 2016 presidential election supporting his refusal to get involved in his father’s political career. [27][28]

Castiel has been in no known relationships since breaking up with Masters. His relationship with his family is described as being “strained” and he has not been seen with either of his parents or his two oldest brothers since his father’s election. [29][better source needed] He has written several peer-reviewed scientific journal articles about the impacts of climate change. [30] When asked about his son’s research, his father was quoted saying, “It’s normal for families to have different opinions.” [31] 

Castiel was part of a panel talking about the impacts of climate change in 2017. He was quoted as saying, “The world isn’t doing enough. No country is doing enough to fight back against climate change, and the costs could be catastrophic. I’m not a policymaker, but we need to be doing more.” [32] As his father was President at the time, the comment made international headlines. His father’s administration put out a statement that said, “While we appreciate our son’s academic prowess, we have the best scientists at work here in the U.S. Government. He is right that he is not a policymaker, and he should leave the policy recommendations to experts.” [33]

## See also

  * Shurley Civil War
  * Timeline of the 2016 Presidential Election
  * Fallen Shurleys



As Dean read on, he was hooked. He felt slightly guilty reading about Castiel’s private life, but he’d only ever vaguely heard about most of these controversies. As he read, he remembered all the times he saw grocery store tabloids obsessing over the President’s family, but he’d always ignored them. After spending nearly an hour going down a rabbit hole of Wikipedia research, he decided he had to stop.

He took out his phone and texted Castiel.

**Dean (9:45 PM):** hey castiel, this is dean from the library

**Castiel (9:46 PM):** Hello, Dean. 

**Dean (9:46 PM):** sorry for calling your dad a dick

**Castiel (9:47 PM):** I guess you figured out who I was.

**Dean (9:47 PM):** yeah you really could have mentioned that

**Castiel (9:49 PM):** I could have, but I was enjoying talking to someone who _didn’t_ know who I was, and who felt open saying what they really felt to me.

**Dan (9:51 PM):** i still think your dad is a douchebag

**Castiel (9:55 PM):** Off the record?

**Dean (9:56 PM):** you gotta stop making me promise not to sell you out all the time. I, dean winchester, solemnly swear that i will never talk to the press about you

**Castiel (10:03 PM):** Thank you, Dean. I’m sorry that it bothers you. It’s just that people that I’ve known for a lot longer than ten minutes have betrayed my trust before. I really want to get to know you, and that in itself is unusual, because I don’t usually open myself up to new people. I hope you’ll forgive me if I try to preface my statements in a way that might protect me from them being used against me. 

Dean’s heart thumped. He wasn’t really sure how to respond to that. A mixture of fear and excitement coursed through him, and he typed and then erased a response multiple times until Cas sent him another message.

**Castiel (10:06 PM):** I hope that wasn’t too forward.

**Dean (10:06 PM):** no!

**Dean (10:07 PM):** i want to get to know you too, cas

**Castiel (10:08 PM):** Nicknames already?

**Dean (10:09 PM):** if it’s ok? Castiel is a lot

**Castiel (10:11 PM):** I like it. Call me whatever you want, as long as you call me.

Dean glanced at the clock and bit his lip.

**Dean (10:11 PM):** can i?

**Dean (10:12 PM):** call you?

**Castiel (10:14 PM):** Yes. Please do.

He snatched up his leather jacket and quietly went out the back door and walked to the back of the backyard until he was fairly certain nobody would hear him. He took out his phone and dialed Cas’s number.

“Hello, Dean,” said the deep voice on the other end.

Dean’s body involuntarily shivered; he’d forgotten _just_ how deep Cas’s voice was, and hearing it on the phone was even more intense.

“Uh, hey, Cas,” Dean replied. “I, um… I can’t stay on the phone long because it’s late and I’m outside, but uh...I guess I just wanted to clarify…”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Um...when you say you want to get to know me,” Dean said, cringing as he struggled to finish the question.

“I would not normally be this open over the phone, but it’s much better than having this conversation in writing, so I mean I very much want to spend time with you in a sexual manner,” Castiel replied. “But if you’re not interested in that, I would also love to get to know you as a friend.”

“Oh, _I’m interested_ ,” Dean replied with a short laugh.

Dean heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the phone. 

“I get off work at 5:30 most weekdays,” Dean added. “Can’t come on a weekend.”

“Can you come Monday?” Cas asked, his voice somehow sounding even deeper than it normally was.

“I’ll be there,” Dean promised. “I better get to sleep, Cas. Have a nice night.”

“Good night, Dean,” Cas replied. “Sweet dreams.”

Dean rushed back inside, trying to avoid making any noise that anyone would be able to hear. Apparently, he had not been successful, because his phone vibrated with a couple texts from Lisa.

**Lisa (10:34 PM):** who were you talking with on the phone outside?

**Lisa (10:35 PM):** nothing serious my ass

Dean ignored the messages and put his phone on silent.


	5. Chapter 5 (May 31, 2019 - June 3, 2019)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut incoming! This fic is my first time writing any smut... so hopefully it's ok?

#  **Chapter Five**

_(Cas)_

Cas felt a bit guilty for masturbating as soon as he’d gotten off the phone with Dean. His mind had gone hazy with arousal as soon as Dean had said he was _interested_ in having sex with him, and he’d barely been able to keep himself from reaching a hand down his pants as soon as he’d said it. As soon as they’d hung up, his hand went immediately to his dick, and Cas’s very detailed imagination very quickly brought himself to orgasm.

After several shame-filled minutes, he decided to send Dean a text without admitting what had happened.

 **Castiel (11:05 PM):** I’m looking forward to seeing you again. I hope I didn’t scare you off.

As time passed by, Cas became increasingly more anxious, thinking he must have scared Dean off. And _of course_ he did. There was no way this wasn’t getting out to the press. He was so fucking stupid. The whole call was probably recorded.

Filled with anxiety, he struggled to get to sleep, only managing it at around 3 AM.

He woke up in the afternoon to a message from Dean.

 **Dean (7:45 AM):** thanks for the sweet dreams ;)

Cas couldn’t stop the warmth that flushed through him at that comment.

 **Cas (12:45 AM):** Good morning, Dean.

 **Dean (12:47 AM):** afternoon, sunshine

Dean didn’t say anything else to him for the rest of the day, but later that night, he texted him. They talked for hours Saturday night, and Cas told Dean to come over Sunday night, no matter how late he got in. 

This wasn’t normal for Cas at all. Truthfully, he’d only ever slept with three people: his first girlfriend Meg, his Oxford roommate who became his very special friend with benefits Balthazar, and April, his one and only one night stand, which ended terribly when she immediately went to the National Enquirer the next day to recount every detail. He really didn’t know why he was being so reckless rushing into things with Dean. He knew it was partially that Dean was easily the most attractive person he’d ever had a chance with, but it was more than that. He felt like he could be himself with Dean, and Dean seemed real in return, even after he found out who he was.

Shortly after ten Sunday night, Cas’s intercom went off, and the building guards were asking for permission to send up one Dean Winchester.

As soon as Dean knocked on the door, he flung it open and pulled Dean inside the room, swiftly closing the door behind him. Immediately, Cas pushed Dean against the wall and pressed their lips together. Dean let out a small squeak of surprise, but quickly deepened the kiss and tangled one hand in Cas’s hair while the other hand tightened around Cas’s waist.

Once they finally pulled apart, Dean’s face grew into a small smirk.

“Eager to see me, I guess?” he asked.

Cas groaned. “You have no idea. I’ve been thinking about this since I met you.”

“I’ve been thinking about things that are a little more X-rated than kissing,” Dean replied with a wink.

Cas lightly pressed his lips to Dean’s again. “That can be arranged,” he said, as he took Dean’s hand and led him to the bedroom.

Before they made it to the bed, Cas turned and pulled Dean into another heated kiss.

“I want you, Dean,” Cas said breathlessly.

“Shit, _your voice,_ ” Dean said as he started unbuttoning the buttons on Cas’s shirt. They made quick and frenzied work of removing each other’s clothing until they were finally down to just their underwear.

Cas could feel his arousal growing as Dean got down to his knees and pulled his boxers down. Dean winked as he pressed a kiss to the tip of Castiel’s half-hard cock. 

Cas moaned as Dean licked up the shaft, ending with the tip. At Cas’s moan, Dean took the cock into his mouth and started bobbing his head up and down. Dean took Cas’s balls into his hands and rolled them as he sank down further on his cock, taking nearly all of it into his mouth.

Cas could feel himself getting closer to arousal, and breathlessly said, “Wait, wait.”

Dean stopped sucking and reluctantly pulled off his cock with a raised eyebrow.

“I, uh, I want you to fuck me,” Cas admitted. “I want to come on your cock.”

Dean’s eyes lit up and he pushed himself off his knees and finally took off his underwear, giving Cas a glorious sight of the thick cock he had been fantasizing about. He couldn’t wait to have _that_ inside him.

“Condoms and lube?” Dean asked.

Cas went to his nightstand and pulled out both. Dean took both from him, and then pushed him down on the bed, once again drawing him into a heated kiss. As their cocks slid together, they let out simultaneous groans.

They rutted together briefly until Cas said, “Need to feel you inside me, _please._ ”

Dean whimpered and pulled back. He grabbed the lube he’d thrown aside and squeezed a generous amount in Cas’s hole and on his fingers. He experimentally placed one finger inside Cas and began to stretch him open.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Dean said as he continued to work Cas open and added a second finger.

“ _You’re_ beautiful,” Cas countered, and then he let out a whine as Dean’s fingers found his prostate. Cas found himself rutting back against Dean’s fingers.

“Fuck me, Dean,” Cas begged.

“Not yet,” Dean said, as he added in a third finger and leaned up to press a kiss to Cas’s lips.

Finally, once Dean was satisfied that Cas was open enough, he removed his fingers, causing Cas to let out a groan of disapproval.

Dean rolled on the condom and squirted more lube over his cock before _finally_ lining himself up and entering Cas. He slowly pushed himself inside as Cas squirmed under him, letting out tiny moans of approval. Cas bit down on his lip as he adjusted to the overwhelming feeling of Dean inside of him; Dean was _much_ bigger than Balthazar had been and he’d never felt quite this full before. Dean paused once he bottomed out and leaned down to steal another kiss.

“Move,” Cas said impatiently, and Dean let out a small laugh as he began thrusting. Cas moved his hand to clench on to Dean’s shoulder and cried out in pleasure as Dean started to hit his prostate on every thrust.

Dean’s hand wrapped around Cas’s cock and began stroking him in time with each of his thrusts. It didn’t take long for Cas to come, painting Dean’s hand and stomach with ropes of white come. Dean came shortly afterwards, spilling into the condom, and then collapsed on top of him.

Cas let out a whimper as Dean slid out.

“That was…” Cas started, but words failed him.

“Incredible?” Dean asked with a shy smile.

“The best sex I’ve ever had,” Cas replied instead.

Dean’s face lit up with a smile. 

“Will you stay?” Cas asked. “Just for tonight?”

“Will I get morning sex tomorrow?” Dean asked, causing Cas to laugh.

“As much as you want,” Cas promised as he got out of bed to get some wet wipes to clean them up.

The next morning, Dean’s alarm went off at eight in the morning, which would normally irritate Cas, but Dean soothed away his irritation with an incredible second round of sex.

While Dean was showering and getting ready for work, Cas worked on frying them up some eggs. He wasn’t a particularly good cook, but eggs and toast he could do. He was just incredibly grateful that Gabriel had visited last weekend and brought him breakfast food, because he doubted he’d normally even have eggs available.

Dean came out of the bathroom freshly showered and only wearing a pair of Cas’s boxers, which made Cas want to take him right back to the bedroom and go for round three, but in respect for Dean’s job, he restrained himself.

“You made me breakfast?” Dean asked with a slight hint of surprise.

Cas shrugged and pushed the plate towards Dean.

Once he was halfway through his own food, he cautiously said, “So… I, um. I’d like to do this again.”

“Me too,” Dean replied with a wide smile.

“But, um…” Cas started, before pausing. “We, uh, we have to keep it private. Is that— is that okay with you?”

Cas watched as Dean’s face fell slightly.

“It’s not you,” Cas promised with a sigh. “It’s…” He waved his hands around. “...everything else. If we were to be seen in public, it would become front page national news. We’d have reporters following us everywhere. My family would be horrible. To both of us.”

Dean gave a short nod and reached his hand across the table. Cas took it, and smiled as Dean squeezed their fingers together.

“Can I see you again tonight after work?” Dean asked.

Cas heart beat rapidly at that one statement, and he squeezed Dean’s hand again. 

“You fuck me like that, you can come over anytime,” Cas answered.


	6. Chapter 6 (June - September 2019)

#  **Chapter Six**

_(Cas)_

After that, it became a routine. Nearly every weekday, Dean would come over after work. After he realized Cas was useless in the kitchen, he took to making dinner while Cas finished up grading his students’ papers or worked on his dissertation research. Then, they’d eat dinner together while watching a movie or TV show. Dean had decided Cas’s pop culture knowledge was “ridiculously insufficient” and had taken it upon himself to educate Cas. He didn’t really mind, even when the show was as terrible as Dr. Sexy, as long as he got to cuddle up with the man he was quickly beginning to have serious feelings for. 

It was a pretty big change for Cas whose diet had mostly consisted of microwavable meals, peanut butter and jelly, and takeout before Dean had started coming over. Previously, he’d get food and eat it as quickly as possible in order to get back to his work. Now, instead, he was taking his time to savor Dean’s much more delicious home-cooked meals, and allowing himself to take time off his research to wind down and watch something fun. He’d never had the chance to have somebody who was open to just...discussing the banalities of his day, even listening when he talked about his research without seeming bored or uninterested.

It was just all so _domestic_ and everything he’d always wanted in a relationship, except that they never left the apartment. He began to think that Dean was starting to feel the same way, especially after he told the front desk to add Dean to his list of approved people so that he never needed to intercom up to the room to ask for Cas’s permission again. When Dean had made his way upstairs after being told he was on the approved list, he’d looked so excited, and they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other the entire night, not even for their normal dinner and a movie.

And the sex… Well, the sex was incredible. Almost every night and occasionally on mornings that Dean slept over, they would sleep together, and it amazed him how it only ever seemed to get better. As soon as Dean realized his flexibility that he’d developed after years of yoga, he seemed to delight in finding new and exciting positions for them to try out. But Cas’s favorite position was always just when they were able to face each other and Cas could look into Dean’s eyes and kiss him as they moved together. It made it feel so much more real, like that maybe one day he could be in a real relationship with Dean.

For the first time in his life, he found himself dreading weekends. The weekdays were when he was really alive, just because he knew there was a good chance his lover would come over. He spent all weekend missing Dean’s touch, even though they still often sent messages over WhatsApp on the weekends. It was especially hard since he’d had to warn Dean not to send any explicit or romantic messages over the phone, because he was paranoid about their phones being hacked or stolen. Even with WhatsApp, he couldn’t be sure they were safe.

He knew Dean was hiding something about the weekends. He hadn’t further explained what “work” he did over the weekends, though he often talked about his regular job as a mechanic. Cas wondered if it was something he was embarrassed about, but he didn’t want to push Dean to talk about anything he was uncomfortable about. He was terrified about pushing him away.

As time went on, some of their boundaries began to open up. Dean told Cas about how his mother died when he was four, and how his dad had become unhinged after her death, drinking constantly and dragging Dean and Sam around the country to various dingy motels. Dean talked about how he’d had to raise Sam, and never felt like he’d really had a home until they finally moved in with Bobby, a friend of his dad’s, when Dean was sixteen. Bobby had employed him in his own auto repair shop, and helped Dean find a new job with his friend Rufus when he’d wanted to move out to California to be near Sam.

In return, Cas opened up about his own fucked up life. Dean already knew the basics, because he had a working internet connection, but Cas filled in the details. He talked about how lonely it was growing up, even though he was always in the public eye. He told Dean about how much it hurt that he never felt like his family supported him. They talked about how Anna and Gabriel were the only ones that had ever been there for him, and that even with them, he still felt like an outcast.

After only knowing Dean for four months, he’d told Dean more about his life than he’d told anyone since Meg.

Perhaps that was why it stung so much when he decided to go to the Palo Alto Arts Festival on a Sunday afternoon when Dean should have been working and saw Dean there, waiting in line at a food stand.

Cas’s heart sank. If Dean was here, did that mean he’d gotten the weekend off? He’d have expected Dean would want to spend a rare free weekend with _him_ , but maybe that was too much to ask. After all, they couldn’t exactly have gone to this art festival _together._

“I’m going to go to the kettle corn line,” Cas said to Uriel and Inias, his secret service agents.

Uriel raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Cas ignored him, and found his way over to Dean, where he whispered, “Fancy seeing you here.”

Dean startled, and looked over at Cas with an obvious sense of panic. Seeing the fear in Dean’s eyes made Cas feel worse; Dean was obviously hiding something from him. Was he here with another person?

“Didn’t have to work today?” Cas pressed.

Dean swallowed, and gestured over to the kids’ art studio, where Cas recognized Dean’s brother, Sam. He was hard to miss, being easily the tallest person there. He had his arm around a woman with blonde curls and they were both laughing with a kid who was getting his face painted to look like a tiger.

Cas relaxed. Dean was obviously here on a family outing, not a date, even if he had been keeping his day off from him.

“I didn’t know Sam was married with a kid,” Cas said.

“He’s not, Jess is his girlfriend,” Dean replied. “The kid, uh…”

Dean paused, and Cas tilted his head and squinted at him.

“The kid’s mine,” Dean said finally. “His name is Ben.”

“You didn’t tell me you had a _kid_ ,” Cas replied, and suddenly the sinking feeling was back. As close as he’d _thought_ he’d gotten to Dean, Dean had left out one of the most important parts of his life from him.

“I didn’t…” Dean swallowed, and glanced around at the crowds around them. “Can we… uh, talk about this later?”

Cas gave him a brief, irritated nod.

“That is, if you still want to, um, talk with me,” Dean added in a low voice.

Cas shut his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. “I do.”

Cas watched as the kid started running towards them, having finished his face painting, with Sam and Jess following behind him at a more leisurely pace.

“I’ll talk to you later, Dean,” Cas said as he hurried away, not wanting Dean to have to awkwardly introduce him. 

He heard Sam say, “I thought you weren’t supposed to be seen in public,” followed by Dean loudly shushing him, and cursed his recklessness once again. He hadn’t noticed any signs of anyone paying special attention to them, but he shouldn’t have risked a public interaction like that, even though they hadn’t even touched.

He walked back over to where his agents were waiting for him, and said, “Let’s go.”

“We just got here,” Inias complained.

“ _Let’s go_ ,” Cas repeated. Suddenly, he wasn’t really in the mood to be out, and he didn’t want to risk another awkward encounter with Dean _and his son._

Shortly after he got home and his agents headed back to their own rooms, his phone lit up with a text from Dean, followed shortly by two more texts.

 **Dean (12:03 PM):** im sorry i didnt tell you about ben

 **Dean (12:04 PM):** and im sorry i lied and said i worked on the weekends

 **Dean (12:05 PM):** i only have custody of ben on the weekends

Cas didn’t know how to respond. Not only did Dean not tell him about Ben, but this wasn’t a rare weekend off. He _lied_ to him about how he spent his weekends. Sure, he’d said it the first day they’d met, but in all the times Cas has whined about Dean having to work over the weekends, Dean had never once…

Fuck. He didn’t know what to do. He’d trusted him, and it was so hard for him to trust anyone.

 **Dean (12:10 PM):** is it ok if i come over tonight after i drop ben off with his mom 

**Dean (12:10 PM):** i promise ill tell you everything

A part of him wanted to say no, but a larger part of him could never really refuse Dean.

 **Castiel (12:10 PM):** Yes.

The rest of the day was spent in a spiraling fit of anxiety. He couldn’t focus on anything, and he kept imagining how the conversation would go in his mind. He alternated between screaming at Dean and trying to have a more rational conversation, but his brain really couldn’t predict how Dean would react to _any_ of his overtures. He didn’t want to break things off with Dean. _God,_ this was the best relationship he’d ever been in, even though it was still pretty new and so hidden. But, on the other hand, if he can’t trust Dean about something this big, how could he trust him about anything?

It was nearly 11 PM when Dean finally knocked on the door. Cas opened it and stepped aside, letting Dean walk in. Dean looked a mess. His eyes were red and his hands were stuffed into his pockets.

Upon seeing Dean so distraught, Cas’s anger began to lift. He sighed, and gestured over to the couch. Dean sent him a small smile as they both sat down on opposite sides of the couch. Cas raised an eyebrow as he waited for Dean to speak.

“I, uh… I was 19 when Ben was born,” Dean started. “Lisa - ummm, his mom and I - we’d had a one night stand - well, more like a one weekend stand. I gave her my number, but she never called me.”

“She got pregnant,” Dean continued. “She didn’t tell me at first. I found out when I saw her at the grocery store, nearly six months pregnant. At first, she denied it was mine, but… a couple weeks later, she finally contacted me and told me the truth. Told me she was scared about raising a kid with a stranger, but she was also scared about raising a kid on her own. She didn’t have much family support.”

Dean balled his hand into a fist. “I decided to move out of Bobby’s and move in with her to help out with the baby. At first, we were planning to just have it be platonic, but that didn’t last long. We, uh, she was, uh, pretty horny in her pregnancy…”

“I don’t think I need to hear this part,” Cas interrupted.

Dean nodded. “Right. Sorry. I just… I promised to tell you everything, so… Um. Anyway. We got together. And then Ben was born, and he became our whole world. But it became pretty obvious fairly quickly that even though we both loved Ben and we were sexually compatible, we uh, there otherwise wasn’t much passion between us. We never said I love you, we never really tried to spend much time with each other outside of parenting, and we got irritated with each other quickly. Even the sex dwindled out because we were so tired with a toddler. We broke up when Ben was two, when she started having feelings for another guy. She never cheated on me, but… we both knew it was over. It had been for a while.”

Cas nodded.

“Our relationship actually got better after we stopped trying to force it to be romantic,” Dean elaborated. “She’s one of my best friends now. We have a good co-parenting thing going. She’s married now; she eventually started dating the guy she broke up with me for.”

He paused before adding, “He’s uh, he’s actually why I live here. He’s a doctor, so she really upgraded. He, uh, he got accepted into a residency program at a hospital in Oakland. Sam, the genius, got accepted into a bunch of schools, including Harvard and Princeton, but he decided to go to Stanford to make things easier for me.”

Cas sighed. “Dean, don’t belittle yourself. You heal cars, he heals people. It doesn’t make him a better person.”

Dean snorted, but didn’t argue with him.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Ben?” Cas asked. As much as he was interested in learning the truth about Dean’s son, the thing that mattered to him was why Dean lied.

Dean sighed and bit his lip. “I guess… I’ve had a lot of people immediately cut off any relationship as soon as they found out I had a kid. And with the way things are with us… with you wanting to keep everything private, I guess I just wasn’t sure if I should complicate things. I didn’t know how you’d react to knowing I had a son.” Dean paused and added, “And I wasn’t really sure if this was ever going to be…I dunno, something serious, something real, for you. So…”

“It is serious and real for me,” Cas replied simply. “Did you think I’d stop wanting to see you if I found out you were a father?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Dean responded with his eyes fixed on the carpet.

Cas sighed again. “I apologize for not making my intentions towards you more clear. I know I’ve said we have to keep things private, and we do, for now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have very, _very_ real feelings for you. I thought I made that clear by spending nearly every day with you, and opening up about my past, but…”

“For now?” Dean interjected.

“Dean, I don’t know what you want, and I know that going public with me would really drastically interrupt your life, so I’d understand if that’s not something you’re interested in, but... I’d very much like to be in a relationship with you for a long time, and I’d very much like that relationship to be public,” Cas answered. 

Dean let out a short gasp, but he stayed silent, so Cas continued, “I don’t want to hide you. I never did. I just also don’t want to be in a position where it’s the main news story and we get hounded relentlessly about it. Once my father isn’t running for re-election, it’ll be a _story_ , but it won’t be _quite_ as much of a spectacle.”

“The truth is…” Dean paused and sighed. “The truth is that when you told me you wanted our relationship to be private, I felt both discouraged and relieved. I felt discouraged because… even after just one night with you, I felt like our relationship was about more than just sex. But I was also relieved because… I um, I’m only out as bisexual to my brother, Lisa, Bobby, and Jo, who is like a sister to me. I guess you saying you wanted to be private gave me, like, permission to stay in the closet.”

“So, were you thinking this would always be a private relationship, then?” Cas asked as his heart sank.

“ _At first,_ ” Dean clarified. “But then once we started spending more time together, I kept wondering what we were even doing. I was falling for you, but I felt like I’d never really be able to have you. Finding out you do want to be public eventually… it’s… well, I’d be happy to finally push myself out of the closet if it meant getting to show you off to the world.”

Cas smiled and moved down the couch to be closer to Dean. He cupped Dean’s face in his hand and said, “You were falling for me, huh?”

“You had very, _very_ real feelings for me, huh?” Dean countered.

“Dean, I’m falling in love with you,” Cas admitted.

Dean’s face lit up with a brilliant smile as he leaned in to place a kiss on Cas’s lips. “I’m already in love with you, Cas.”

Cas gasped, and pulled Dean into a deeper kiss. This wasn’t really how he expected this confrontation to go, but he certainly wasn’t about to complain.


	7. Chapter 7 (September 9, 2019)

#  **Chapter Seven**

_(Dean)_

Holy shit, he’d told Cas he loved him. He’d never said those words in any relationship before, not even Lisa. But he couldn’t deny that his feelings for Cas were _different_. He’d never felt like this with anyone before. He’d never wanted to spend every waking moment with someone before; he’d never thought about them constantly; he’d never wanted so badly to integrate someone into his life before.

Now, after spending all day since the art fair worried that he was about to lose the greatest thing other than Ben that had ever happened to him, he was instead heatedly making out with him on his couch.

“Cas,” Dean said breathlessly. “Cas, I want you to fuck me.”

Cas pulled back and tilted his head. “Are you sure?”

Dean nodded. He’d long since lost count of how many times they’d had sex, but of all those times, Cas had never fucked him. He’d never been the bottom for _any guy_ before, holding on to that last shred of masculinity, even though rationally he knew that having a cock in your ass didn’t make you any less of a man. 

“Have you ever…” Cas started, and Dean shook his head no.

“I trust you, Cas,” Dean promised, leaning in to kiss him again. “Just go slow.”

Cas pulled back and stroked Dean’s face lightly before standing up.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Dean whined.

“We’re not going to have your first time on the couch,” Cas said, pulling Dean up with him. 

The walk to the bedroom was frenzied due to their frequent stops to make out and remove articles of clothing. By the time they got to the bedroom, there was a trail of clothes leading all the way back to the couch, and they were both panting and half hard. 

Cas dragged Dean over to the bed and pushed him down gently, slotting himself on top of him. He gave Dean a few wet and sloppy kisses on the mouth before trailing kisses down his neck and chest, and then sucking Dean’s nipple into his mouth.

Dean started shaking slightly with anticipation, and Cas ran his fingers soothingly down Dean’s arm. 

“Relax, love,” Cas said, before returning his attention to Dean’s nipple.

Dean’s heart sang at the pet name; Cas had used pet names for him before, but it was rare, and he’d never called him _love_ before.

Cas started trailing his kisses and love bites down his body, leaving small bruises in his wake. Finally, Cas reached Dean’s cock, and sank down on it, swallowing until Dean’s cock reached the back of his throat. Dean moaned and grabbed a fistful of Cas’s hair. Dean whined as Cas pulled off his cock, but the disappointment turned to an anxious excitement as Cas fumbled to get the lube out of the nightstand table. 

“Do you want me to use a condom?” Cas asked. 

They’d long since stopped using condoms after both getting tested for STDs, but Dean knew Cas was asking in case the idea of being filled with Cas’s come was too much for him. Little did Cas know, he’d fantasized about being filled with Cas’s come for _months,_ so he vigorously shook his head no. Cas smiled and leaned down to kiss him softly.

“I’ll go slow,” Cas promised as he smoothed a hand across Dean’s cheek.

Dean smiled and nodded, before parting his legs open to let Cas in. Cas winked mischievously at him and then moved back between his legs. Unexpectedly, Cas licked into Dean’s hole, and Dean couldn’t stop the noises of pleasure that came out of him as Cas’s tongue sank deeper inside him. He’d played with his fingers inside himself before, but this...this felt so different.

Dean found his body relaxing as Cas kept up his work, eventually pulling his tongue out and working his fingers in. Dean bit his lip as Cas fucked him with two, then three, and then finally four fingers, until Dean felt like he was going to explode if Cas didn’t get his dick inside him immediately.

“C’mon, Cas, _please_ ,” Dean begged. “Need you.”

Cas moved up the bed to kiss Dean, their tongues sliding together, before Cas finally lined himself up and pushed slowly inside of Dean. Dean reached over to take Cas’s free hand, and laced their fingers together, squeezing his hand as Cas pushed deeper inside of him.

Dean threw his head back and moaned as Cas bottomed out, and Cas pressed kisses to Dean’s neck until Dean said, “‘m ready, move.”

Cas started thrusting, and Dean rocked his hips up to meet each of Cas’s thrusts, tangling one of his hands into Cas’s hair while the other was still laced together with Cas’s. 

It wasn’t long before they were both reaching their climax, and Cas leaned down to press feverish kisses to Dean’s mouth.

“Love you,” Cas said, as he started to stroke Dean through his climax.

Dean repeated “ _love you, love you, love you_ ” as he came. Watching Dean’s orgasm caused Cas to finish too, spilling hot come inside Dean.

Cas pulled out of Dean with a grunt, and then cuddled up beside him.

“We should clean up,” Cas suggested, but Dean shook his head and cuddled closer.

“Later,” Dean mumbled with a sated smile on his face.

Cas couldn’t stop himself from smiling back and pressing another kiss to Dean’s lips.

“I love you,” Cas stated, once again.

“Love you more,” Dean replied and rushed forward to kiss Cas before he could object. 

When they pulled apart, Cas asked, “How was your first time, then?”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Was that not obvious? We’re _so_ doing that again, angel.”

Cas laughed, and trailed his fingers along Dean’s abs. “Anytime you want, sweetheart.”

The moment felt huge to Dean; the gravity of what happened seemed to change his entire world. It wasn’t just about Dean’s first time bottoming, it was much bigger. It was their first time together since admitting they loved each other. Even bigger, it was their first time together since Dean admitted to himself that he never wanted to be with anyone else. Cas was it for him. He was ruined for anyone else.


	8. Chapter 8 (September - November 2019)

#  **Chapter Eight**

_(Cas)_

After their love confessions, everything changed and nothing changed. Dean still came over after work and cooked them dinner while Cas worked. He still tried to educate Cas on all the pop culture he was missing. They still had mind-blowing sex.

But now, Dean had a key to Cas’s apartment, and only seemed to spend any time at his own apartment on his weekends with Ben. Now, they said I love you any time one of them left the room, or just because. Now, Dean invited Sam over to the apartment to get to know Cas, and Cas introduced Dean to Gabriel and Anna over the phone.

They even occasionally left the apartment together. Cas rationalized that he was often seen hanging out with people in his cohort, and it never got any attention. When he lived in the UK, even though there was massive attention on him at the time, nobody questioned when he hung out with Balthazar, even though they _were_ secretly in a sexual relationship. There had only ever been one article in _The Sun_ that made any hints towards it, but it admitted they didn’t have any proof other than that they were roommates. 

As long as Dean and Cas didn’t _look_ like they were in a relationship, he decided that it should be fine. They often made it look even more platonic by inviting Sam and Jess or other friends to hang out with them when they went out. Even though they had to pretend their relationship was platonic in public, being able to go out together made them both feel more secure that their relationship was built on more than just sex.

They still set up boundaries, and one of those boundaries was Ben. Dean was worried about introducing him to Cas, worried that Ben would say something to the wrong person and their secret would come out before they were ready. He was also worried about the impact of what would happen to Ben _if_ that secret came out.

But they had taken some steps. Dean confided in Lisa that he was seeing a guy and it was serious, and he’d come out to both Ben and Matt. He told Lisa he wasn’t ready for his new boyfriend to meet Ben yet, but he didn’t tell her why.

That was why Cas was completely shocked when Dean suggested that he bring Ben over for the next weekend, nearly two months after they’d decided on that barrier.

“I thought you didn’t want him involved?” Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. “I don’t… not really. But he doesn’t have to know who you are. We can just introduce you as my boyfriend Cas. He’s been asking about you… and… I want you to get to know him.”

Cas was nervous. He’d never been particularly good around children, but this was _Dean’s kid_. He _had_ to make a good first impression.

“Whatever you think is best, Dean,” Cas said, and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist to pull him closer and give him a proper thank you kiss.

It was the day before Dean was going to pick Ben up, which didn’t give him much time to come up with a plan for how to entertain a seven year old without leaving the apartment.

While Dean was at work the next day, Cas went to the local comic store and bought entirely too many new comics, and then went to Gamestop to try to find appropriate video games.

He squinted as he looked at all the various game systems until an employee came over and offered to help him out. With help from the employee, he decided to buy a Nintendo Switch, and bought several different games that the employee assured him were safe for seven year olds.

Next, he went to the bakery and bought some pie, even though he was unsure if Ben had inherited Dean’s pie addiction or not.

He ignored the snide comments from Uriel and the jokes from Inias, even though he knew he was going overboard, but he _needed_ Ben to like him. He was pretty sure Ben disapproving of him might be a dealbreaker for Dean, who loved his kid more than anything. Now that Cas knew about Ben, Dean spent a lot of their time together bragging about him in the way only a proud father could.

When Cas got home, he got around to setting up the guest bedroom that was hardly ever used for Ben. He put new linens on the bed, and moved the only children’s books he owned from his bookshelves onto a shelf in this room, along with the comic books he’d picked up.

It was several hours before Dean returned home with a little boy with short brown hair and freckles trailing behind him.

This was the first time he’d seen Ben up close, and he could _definitely_ see the resemblance. It wasn’t just in the way they looked, but also Ben’s expressions and posture.

“Ben, this is my boyfriend, Cas,” Dean said as he closed the door behind them. “Cas, my son, Ben.”

Cas reached out a hand and said, “It’s great to finally meet you, Ben.”

“It’s good to meet you too,” Ben replied. “Dad says you make him happy.”

Cas glanced up at Dean, whose cheeks had turned red, and he smiled.

“Your dad makes me very happy too,” Cas replied. “Do you want to see your room?”

“My room?” Ben asked in surprise. “I get my own room?”

Cas laughed and nodded, and led Ben over to the guest room. “It’s not much, but…”

Ben unexpectedly hugged him around the middle and squeezed. Cas awkwardly pat his back.

“I love it, Mr. Cas,” Ben said with a grin. 

“He, uh, he doesn’t have his own room at my place…” Dean explained self-consciously. 

Cas reached over to squeeze Dean’s hand. “This is your place, Dean. And Ben’s, whenever he wants.”

“Hell yeah!” Ben said, as he flung his backpack onto the bed. 

Dean sighed. “Language, buddy.”

Ben rolled his eyes, and Dean shrugged in defeat.

“Um, do you want to see the rest of the place?” Cas asked, and Ben nodded.

He took Ben back out to the living room, and pointed out where the DVDs and video games were.

“Wow, you have a Nintendo Switch!” Ben said excitedly, and quickly went over to take a look at Cas’s supply of video games.

Dean furrowed his brow. “Uh, you do? Since when?”

“Since today,” Cas answered with a shrug.

“You didn’t have to do that, angel,” Dean replied.

“You once told me that when you asked if he’d be okay if you had a boyfriend, he said that it would be okay as long as the boyfriend gave him comics and video games, so I got him comics and video games,” Cas stated simply.

Dean shook his head. “You know that was a joke, babe, right?”

“I know, but I just…” Cas shrugged. “I wanted him to like me. And I don’t really know how to—kids aren’t really my specialty.”

“Cas, relax,” Dean said soothingly. “He’s going to love you because I love you. You don’t need to make such huge gestures.”

“So I shouldn’t bring out the pie I bought for you guys, then?” Cas asked with a slight grin.

“Pie? Let’s not get too hasty here. We definitely need pie for Ben’s approval,” Dean said with a wink.

“Pie?” Ben asked from across the room. “Did you say pie?”

Cas laughed. “I guess he _did_ inherit your pie addiction.”

“We Winchesters love us some pie,” Dean said with a grin. “Right, bud?”

“Love me some pie,” Ben repeated, rubbing his stomach for comic effect.

Cas smiled and felt like he was already beginning to feel attached to the mini Dean. This feeling only grew as he listened to the twin moans of appreciation they let out upon taking their first bite of pie. It grew even further once they all played Mario Kart together, and Ben laughed as hard as he could every time Cas utterly failed at controlling his character. He would feel ashamed of being beaten by a child at a game, but watching the joy on Ben and Dean’s face was more than worth the embarrassment.

Once Ben was sent to bed, Cas and Dean wrapped around each other in their own bed, even though they both had no intention of going to bed yet, as it was only 8:30. 

“You were great with him, even without the bribes,” Dean said.

“He’s so much like you,” Cas replied, which made Dean laugh.

“Lisa always tells me that,” Dean responded, shaking his head. “Pisses her off, sometimes.”

“You don’t think he’s like you?” Cas asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Oh, no, he is,” Dean answered. “I think he tries to be like me because he doesn’t get to see me as much as his mom and Matt. I think he wants my approval. I wish I could prove to him that he already has my unconditional love and approval.”

“I’m sure he knows you love him, sweetheart,” Cas said soothingly.

“Yeah, it’s just hard sometimes, you know?” Dean confided. “I feel like I’m just… I dunno, the fun weekend dad, but I can’t even be as fun as them because I don’t have the money for the fun stuff. They get to do the fun stuff, and they get to do the real parent stuff, and I’m just...Daddy Dean. Here for the weekends.”

“Money and gifts aren’t everything, love,” Cas stated, shaking his head. “More than almost anyone, I know that. My parents gave me presents all the time, took me to fun places as long as they weren’t ‘un-Christian,’ but they never actually showed me love. I’ve only seen you with him for an afternoon, but you show him love all the time, every time you interact with him.”

“Yeah, but I mean, he’s seven, you know? He doesn’t really understand money. He doesn’t get why I can’t afford to give him nice birthday or Christmas gifts like Lisa and Matt. And you saw how excited he was when he saw the video games, or the comics at bedtime… I can’t compete with that.”

“It’s not a competition, love,” Cas replied.

“Easy for you to say when you can compete,” Dean stated irritably. “You don’t get it. You’ve never had to worry about money. You got a trust fund when you were 21, and you’re set for life.”

Cas sighed. “You’re right, sweetheart. I don’t get what it’s like not to have the means to buy whatever I want. I’m just saying… I know he knows you love him. And he loves you too, he _adores_ you.”

“I know it might be irrational, but it just really hit me when I brought him here, and he had his own room, and his own comics, and a video game console…” Dean said with a shrug. “My apartment has an old X-Box that crashes constantly, and he sleeps in a corner of the living room.”

“Now that we’ve crossed the Ben barrier, if you uh… If you wanted to, you know, move in here, you know, full time, that guest room could be Ben’s room,” Cas suggested, pointedly avoiding eye contact.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” Dean asked in surprise.

Cas shrugged. “I mean, you basically live here already. You were only there for the weekends, and…”

Dean pushed Cas’s shoulder lightly. “The answer is yes, of course I’ll move in with you, but you really don’t understand that this isn’t about the apartment, or the games, or any of that. Now I’m just going to feel more guilty because _once again_ , I’m not providing for him. Now, instead of Lisa and Matt providing for him, _you_ are.”

“Isn’t that how things are supposed to work in committed relationships? Aren’t we supposed to share resources?” Cas asked.

“But what do I have to offer you or Ben, Cas? What am I good for, huh?” Dean asked, his voice softening with emotion. “You’re a fucking millionaire, with a million degrees, and the son of the president, and I’m just… a fucking mechanic with a GED who can barely pay rent.”

“Dean Winchester, don’t you dare,” Cas said angrily, before reaching over to press his lips to Dean’s briefly. “You want to know what you give me? Before we met, I spent all of my time researching and avoiding interacting with the real world. I got by, because I like my work. But I was _miserable._ I have never felt as happy as I do when I’m with you. You’ve given me strength, and happiness, and love, and fuck, Dean, do you think I care that you don’t have much money or a degree? And do you really think I see being the son of the President as a _positive?_ ”

“You could do so much better than me,” Dean replied.

“I’m in love with you, Dean. With _you_. With your kindness, your bravery, your intelligence, your compassion, your pride for your son and your brother, your passion, your humor, your—”

“I get it,” Dean interrupted.

“Do you?” Cas asked. “Because I could go on for a _while._ ”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut. “I just… sometimes I wonder why any of you put up with me. I’m _annoying_ , and too loud, and too irritable, and too insecure, and—”

Cas cut Dean off with a kiss. “Stop insulting the man I love. I could just as easily wonder why you put up with the awkward guy who doesn’t understand any of your pop culture references.”

“You’re getting better,” Dean said with a small smile. “Your education has been working.”

“Dean…” Cas sighed. “Dean, baby, do you know how often I wonder why you put up with _me_? When we can’t even be public about our relationship? When the smallest misstep could mean that your entire life could be thrown into chaos by the national news media?”

“I love you,” Dean said simply.

“As I love you,” Cas replied as he pushed back Dean’s hair. “As I’ll always love you.”

“Always?” Dean asked.

“Forever,” Cas promised, pressing a kiss to Dean’s forehead.

“I’ll love you always and forever too, angel,” Dean replied.

Cas’s face lit up in a smile and he drew Dean into a kiss. “You’d better.”

“Do you uh—” Dean bit his lip. “Do you think we can be quiet enough to—”

Cas laughed and started unbuttoning Dean’s jeans. “You’re insatiable, but it’s a pretty big apartment, and maybe if we don’t go all the way.”

Dean shimmied out of his pants and briefs, and then got to work on Cas’s. Once they were both free, Dean snaked his arms around Cas and pulled him into a deep kiss as their hardened cocks rubbed against each other. 

Cas reached down and grabbed both of their cocks in a tight grip. Dean broke their kiss with a surprised gasp, and Cas shushed him and brought their lips back together as he started stroking their cocks in unison. Cas came first, and smeared the come that shot out over both of their cocks until Dean also reached his orgasm. 

They both laid back with exhaustion and pleasure spreading through their bodies, and then smiled at each other, their eyes filled with a mixture of lust and love.

“Never doubt how much I love you, Dean,” Cas said.

Dean surged forward and captured Castiel’s mouth in a slow, sensual kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Love me some pie" is in reference to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIHwSC57XL0


	9. Chapter 9 (November - December 2019)

#  **Chapter Nine**

_(Dean)_

The next month passed in a frenzy. Dean gave his landlord 30 days notice, and then they got to work moving all his stuff out of the apartment. It helped that large portions of Dean’s stuff was already at Cas’s. They donated most of the furniture, but Dean was happy to bring over his record player and vintage car posters to the apartment.

Christmas was approaching quickly, and Dean found himself upset that he couldn’t spend Christmas with Cas. As they’d done every year since he moved, he, Sam, and Ben were taking a road trip back to Sioux Falls to have Christmas with Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and his father. It was the one time a year Dean was able to see them in person, and normally he was excited, but this year he felt sad about spending nearly two weeks away from Cas. They were going to celebrate New Years together, but Dean already found himself wishing that Cas could be part of all of his holidays.

Cas had just finished helping Dean load the Impala, when he said, “Can’t believe you’re driving this gas guzzler all the way to South Dakota.”

“Don’t you dare,” Dean said, lightly hitting Cas on the shoulder. “I know you love the environment and everything, and I love you, but you leave Baby out of this.”

Cas laughed. “I’m going to miss you.”

Dean smiled, and wished he could lean over to kiss Cas, but they were unfortunately outside where anyone could see them. “Gonna miss you too,” he said quietly. “God, I’m going to miss you so much.”

Cas glanced around at the parking lot outside their apartment. Seeing nobody, he drew Dean into a brief hug.

“Have a merry Christmas and I’ll see you soon, okay?” Cas said, as he pulled away much too quickly for Dean’s liking. 

“Have fun with Gabriel and Anna,” Dean said in response.

Cas snorted. “We’ll see. Last Christmas, Gabe hired strippers in Santa outfits to come while we opened presents.”

“Don’t have _too much fun,_ then,” Dean said. “No strippers.”

“I will attempt to convince Gabe to forego the strippers this year,” Cas promised. “But I promise to only fantasize about you in a sexy Santa outfit.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, you’d better, you kinky asshole.”

“Love you,” Cas whispered. “Call me when you find a hotel tonight?”

“I will, and I love you too,” Dean said as he reluctantly got into the driver’s side of the Impala. 

“Miss you already,” Cas said as he closed the door behind Dean.

Dean took a deep breath, and pulled out of the parking spot. It wasn’t long before he was at Sam and Jess’s apartment, and then they were on their way to Oakland to pick up Ben. Like every other year, it didn’t take long before he started wondering if it would be a better idea to get over his flying phobia instead of being stuck in a car for three days with his gassy brother and a bored eight year old who constantly wanted to make stops. This year he didn’t even have Jess to lighten the mood by teasing Sam with him.

He called Cas each night they stopped at a hotel, but it was always unfulfilling. Due to Cas’s paranoia about their calls being intercepted, they couldn’t say anything X-rated or even say I love you. Sam and Ben always made fun of him when he’d come back in the room after making his phone call, making fun of him for being _in loooove_ , even though Sam spent most of his time in the car texting Jess.

They finally made it to Bobby’s house on Monday, the day before Christmas Eve, and Ben immediately ran out of the car to rush towards the house.

Ben pounded as loud as he could on the door, and Dean laughed and pressed the doorbell.

“Uncle Bobby!” Ben yelled as Bobby opened the door, and he immediately rushed forward to give Bobby a hug.

“Heya, kiddo,” Bobby said as he awkwardly patted Ben on the back. “Good to see you boys.”

Dean and Sam both gave Bobby brief hugs once Ben moved inside.

It wasn’t long before Ben was entranced by Star Wars on the television, leaving Sam and Dean the chance to catch up with Bobby.

“So, how are things up in California?” Bobby asked. “Gonna tell me more about your mystery boy?”

Dean glanced over to Ben, who was clearly absorbed in the movie.

“Things are good with Cas,” Dean replied.

Bobby raised an eyebrow. “I distinctly remember phone conversations where you told me there was stuff about your “relationship” that you couldn’t tell me over the phone.”

“Yeah, so, Cas… Cas is Castiel Shurley,” Dean replied, wincing slightly.

“Castiel Shurley?” Bobby pressed. “The president’s son?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean answered.

“How in the Hell did you get involved with him?” Bobby asked.

“He’s getting his PhD at Stanford,” Dean said, gesturing around. “I was at Stanford picking up Sam. We just, uh, we connected.”

Sam let out a short laugh. “Yeah, that’s one word for it. Believe me, Bobby, I was skeptical at first, and I’m still worried about what might happen when it comes out. But Cas is a good guy, and he loves Dean more than anything.”

“Well, I hope you idjits know what you’re doing,” Bobby said. “But I like hearing you happy for once.”

“I like being happy for once,” Dean admitted.

“And Sam, how’s that law school going? How’s Jess?” Bobby asked.

Bobby succeeded at pulling Sam into a long-winded discussion of Sam’s law school projects, and Dean went over to sit down next to Ben. He was nearly halfway through _A New Hope_ and he looked absolutely engaged, even though Dean knew he’d seen this movie a hundred times.

“Hey buddy, you hanging in there? It was a long day,” Dean asked, nudging Ben’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Ben answered without removing his eyes from the television screen.

Dean sighed and sat back against the couch to settle in and watch the movie with him. Less than ten minutes later, as he’d expected, Ben slumped over on the couch and fell asleep.

Dean smiled and got up to pick Ben up to take him to bed. Dean groaned at the weight of his son, and felt a brief flash of panic at how big Ben was getting. He wouldn’t be able to pick his son up to take him to bed for much longer.

He stumbled his way through the hallways and into the family room where the pull-out couch was already made up for him, courtesy of Bobby. Dean carefully dropped his son on the bed, and pulled the blankets over him. He watched as Ben woke up for just a few seconds, smiled, and then went back to sleep. Dean felt a pang of sadness, not wanting to give up these private moments with his son.

He pressed a kiss to Ben’s forehead, even as Ben unconsciously squirmed to get away from him in his sleep. As soon as Dean left the room, he started hyperventilating.

Shit, he was being ridiculous. He frantically made his way to his bedroom and closed the door behind him, possibly a little bit too loudly.

He cursed, “shit,” and fell to the bed. His heart was racing, and he could feel the tears building behind his eyes, about to burst out at any moment.

Fuck, what was wrong with him. Nothing was happening. Why was this happening? 

In the back of his head, he thought back to the last time when he’d had a panic attack, his first time having a full on panic attack in front of Cas.

 _Cas_.

Cas made him do yoga breathing exercises with him and got him to calm down. He waited until Dean said he could touch him, and then cupped his face, and pressed urgent kisses to his lips. It worked.

Cas. He needed Cas. He got his phone out and pressed his number one contact on his Favorites list.

Cas. It took him nearly four rings to pick up, and Dean felt his anxiety building with every ring. What was he even planning to say to Cas? Why’d he call him without calming down first?

“Glad you’re finally calling me tonight,” Cas said dryly as he picked up the phone. “You told me you’d call when you got there, but I did see that Sam posted Facebook pictures of you at Bobby’s, so don’t worry, I wasn’t worried or anything.”

Fuck, and he was mad at him. “Cas,” Dean said desperately, his throat scratchy.

“Dean? Are you okay?” Cas asked, all traces of anger dissipated from his voice as a concerned tone took its place.

Dean let out a little whine.

“Dean, sweetheart? Did something happen?”

Dean practiced the yoga exercises that he learned from Cas and Lisa. Cas seemed to understand, because he said in a soothing voice, “that’s right, honey, breathe in and out. You’re doing great.”

Dean felt himself getting even closer to the edge of madness, as he realized Cas was breaking his own rules about not using pet names over the phone, just because he was worried about him and wanted to calm him down.

He shook his head, wiped his tears, and took another deep breath. “Sorry, Cas— I’m— I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Do you need me to fly out there?” Cas asked, and Dean’s chest constricted at the absolute kindness of Cas being willing to cancel his own Christmas plans just to help calm him down from a panic attack.

“No. ‘Course not, I’m okay,” Dean said. “God, you’re going to think I’m so stupid. Nothing even happened.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid at all, Dean,” Cas replied calmly.

“I just— I put Ben to bed—and he was—and he was _heavy._ And I tucked him in, and kissed him goodnight. And I just realized—I’m not going to have many more moments like this, you know? He’s getting so big,” Dean said as tears started welling up in his eyes again. “I know it’s dumb, I’m glad he’s growing up, it’s just—”

“He’s your baby,” Cas finished for him. “It’s not stupid, Dean. Your baby’s growing up, it’s normal to get emotional about that.”

“I’m sorry for calling you and freaking you out,” Dean said after a few seconds.

“I’m glad you called, Dean, I always want you to call. I want to be here for you,” Cas stated, his voice sounding so genuine that Dean once again felt butterflies in his stomach.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call when I got here like I promised, too,” Dean added.

Cas laughed. “It’s okay, Dean. I was just giving you a hard time. I was a little annoyed, but I was mostly joking. I’m not really upset. I know you were just spending time with your family.”

“I know, I just — I promised,” Dean said simply.

“I know, but I also know you didn’t mean to forget,” Cas said. “And you rarely get to see your family out there. I understand. I just miss you, even though I know it’s only been a few days.”

“I miss _you,"_ Dean responded. “You’re really more open on the phone tonight than you usually are.”

“Might possibly be the eggnog Gabe made,” Cas responded. “‘Sides, I think the ruse about the nature of our relationship was already made clear when I called you honey and sweetheart, so if someone is intercepting this, they already got all the proof they need, so why the fuck not, right?”

Dean laughed. “I guess so, Sunshine. In that case, I really fucking love you, okay?”

“I really fucking love you too, moon of my life,” Cas replied, and Dean couldn’t stop himself from grinning.

“A Game of Thrones reference? I’m so proud of your progress, my sun and stars. You’ve always been such a good student for me,” Dean said in a flirtatious tone.

“Don’t try to turn me on, mister, _that_ conversation I really don’t want leaked,” Cas replied, and Dean laughed again.

“You got it, handsome,” Dean answered. “Thanks for cheering me up. I love you, but I’m gonna wrap the last few presents for Ben and then head to bed. I know he’s going to wake me up at ass o’clock tomorrow, and it’s later here. Ugh.”

“Gabriel and Anna are getting irritated at my phone call and have taken to throwing a rubber band ball at the door of the guest room I’m in, so I should probably tend to that situation as well,” Cas responded. “I love you to the moon and back.”

“I love you to the sun and back, even though I’d die from being burned alive in a giant ball of fire,” Dean replied. 

“You’d die long before you ever reached the sun. I’d need to study it more extensively, but a standard spacesuit can only keep an astronaut safe for temperatures up to 248 degrees or so. I’d guess that you would die of dehydration or heat stroke at least a million miles before you ever reached the sun,” Cas answered instantly, causing Dean to break out into a laugh.

“I love you so much, nerd,” Dean said affectionately. “Never change.”

“I love you too, Dean, sleep well,” Cas replied, followed by a kiss sound.

Cas hung up before Dean could kiss back, but he felt his heart lighten just from that short discussion. He hadn’t quite realized how much he missed being able to be himself with Cas. Even though they’d talked every day since he left, there’s always something missing when you’re forced to pretend.


	10. Chapter 10 (December 23, 2019)

#  **Chapter Ten**

_(Cas)_

“Sooo, how’s Dean-o?” Gabriel drunkenly slurred once he opened the door.

Cas sighed and picked up the rubber band ball from the floor. “Was this really necessary?”

Gabriel shrugged, as Anna broke out into a hysterical fit of laughter.

“We got bored waiting for you to stop having hanky panky with your boytoy,” Gabe complained. 

Cas rolled his eyes “We weren’t—”

“‘Course not, that’s way too kinky for our little Cas,” Anna said with a laugh that ended in a snort. “It was just ‘I love you more,’ ‘no I love _you_ more,’ ‘no you hang up,’ ‘no _yoooou.’”_

Cas blushed, and avoided thinking about how kind of accurate that impression was.

“So how is your gay love affair?” Gabriel asked.

“Can you not call him that, please?” Cas asked angrily.

“‘S’not what I think,” Gabe replied with a shrug. “You just know how it’ll be reported on.”

“Can we not do this while we’re all drunk?” Cas pleaded.

Gabe winked at him. “Sure thing, Cassie. You seem happy, though. With him.”

“Haven’t seen you this interested in someone since Meg,” Anna supplied.

“Dean is...a lot more than Meg,” Cas said drunkenly.

Anna laughed. “Don’t think anyone’s a lot more than Meg.”

“No, no, not what I mean,” Cas said, shaking his head wildly. “I don’t mean Dean is more… something than Meg. Meg is definitely the most... _Meg._ I mean our relationship is… more. Meg changed my life, and I needed her to learn how to be a...moderately functional human. But our relationship was always…volatile. Lots of ups, lots of downs. I loved her, I’ll always love her, but she could drive me nuts about as often as she could make me happy. My relationship with Dean is different. It’s…” He shrugged. “Weirdly stable. Even when I’m mad at him, I still love him more than anything and want to be around him.”

“You talked with him about the coming out thing?” Gabe asked.

“I thought I asked for us to talk about this when we weren’t all drunk,” Cas grumbled.

“C’mon, Cassie. You know you’ve been refusing to talk about this for weeks,” Gabe replied. “No way you’re gonna be this honest when you’re boring and sober.”

Cas sighed and took in a deep breath. Gabe was right. This wasn’t the first time they’d asked for details, and he’d always found reasons to avoid talking about it. But he did need to talk about it with someone. The only person he was able to talk to about it was Dean, and he couldn’t exactly fully open up about his relationship fears with Dean.

“We’ve talked about it,” Cas confirmed.

“And what does he think?” Anna prodded.

“We have an arrangement to come out to the world sometime after the election,” Cas confided. “Win or lose, at least they won’t be able to use our coming out as a factor in election coverage.”

“Have you tried to explain what the media attention will be like to him?” Anna asked.

Cas sighed. “I’ve tried. I’ve told him what growing up with the press attention was like, and what it was like when the underage drinking pictures with Meg leaked or the tabloid story with April came out. I’ve explained the paranoia that comes with always feeling like you’re being followed, and the irritation of avoiding crowds of reporters who are _actually_ following you. I’ve told him about the hate mail and the death threats. But… I don’t think anyone really gets what it’s like until it happens to them. I don’t know that I can properly prepare him.”

“I could get Kali to talk to him,” Gabe suggested. “She might be able to explain better from the perspective of someone who joined the family what the change is like.”

“That might be a good idea, but there’s something else I’m worried about,” Cas said with a sigh. “Dean’s got a seven year old son. I wonder how _he’ll_ handle the attention. I don’t want to create problems for the kid.”

“Cassie, I don’t want to tell you this and I wish more than _fucking anything_ that it weren’t true, but you know it will cause problems for Dean, for the kid, for everyone around him,” Gabe replied. “I’m not tryin’ to talk you out of it. I want you to be happy. And God knows I want you to get out of your little turtle hiding shell and lean in to the rebellion, but you gotta know it’s always messy when you bring people into this life.”

“I know,” Cas said, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Look, we’re not trying to discourage you,” Anna said soothingly. “I do think you should come out. Hell, I think you should come out before the election, and tell everyone what growing up queer was like in our family.”

Cas vigorously shook his head. “I’ve told you I don’t want to be involved.”

“But even if you don’t talk about anything that personal or related to Dean, you could even just talk about his actions on climate change and the—”

“Anna, stop. We’ve talked about this,” Cas said angrily. “I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Involved.”

Gabriel laughed. “Told you he wouldn’t change his mind.”

Anna shrugged and winked at him. “Worth a shot.”

Cas sighed. After his father won the election, Anna and a few of her friends from the Obama administration decided to launch a podcasting company called Crooked Media to give a leftie news alternative. For all eight years of Obama’s administration, Anna worked as a lawyer in the White House counsel’s office. While she hadn’t interacted much with her co-hosts in the White House, they’d reached out to her to ask if she’d like to be a potential guest on a podcast they were thinking about launching. She’d wanted more than just to be a guest, and ended up joining their business, allowing her to provide her legal expertise, personal knowledge of the president, and a female voice to their shows.

Their eventual company turned massively successful, and they now had an entire line of podcasts. She’d been begging Cas to go on Pod Save America, the podcast that she co-hosted, or Pod Save the Constitution, her podcast that delved into the President and his administration’s legal issues. She had offered to let him only talk about the effects of climate change without asking for policy opinions, but Cas _knew_ she’d try to push his buttons in a way that would get him to say something negative.

Still, on the day Chuck pulled out of a global climate conference and held a press conference questioning the accuracy of climate scientists, even ones from _his own government,_ Cas wore his Friend of the Pod shirt and drove into San Francisco to walk around areas he knew would be crowded. He knew someone would take a picture and it would go viral, and he was right. When asked about it by reporters, his only comment was that he was supporting his sister’s company, but he knew the message it sent.

He knew he was criticized by a lot of people for his silence. “The only thing necessary for evil to exist is for good people to remain silent” and all that. But he was a scientist. His job was to release evidence and data based on scientific facts. It wasn’t to give opinions or political commentary. He wanted people to use his research to fight for policy, but he wanted to remain neutral and only look where the science led him.

And, more personally, he’d never wanted to be in the spotlight. He hadn’t asked to be raised by a public figure. Growing up in the public eye led to Michael becoming a Senator, Luke becoming a high-powered D.C. attorney, Anna becoming a lawyer turned podcast star, and Gabriel being the owner of a nationwide candy store chain and three Las Vegas casinos. All of them chose careers that put them in the public eye, except for Cas. 

He didn’t know how to explain to them that his upbringing didn’t help him feel more comfortable speaking publicly; instead, his upbringing made him want to avoid all public attention like the plague. He just wanted to be left alone to do his work. And yet...he felt like such a coward.

Cas slumped down further on the floor, using his arms as a pillow.

“You know, we could move somewhere more comfortable. We don’t actually have to hang out in the hallway outside the guest bedroom,” Gabe suggested. 

Cas made a dismissive noise and complained, “Then I’d have to get up.”

“Come on,” Gabe said, poking at Cas’s thigh. “Let’s get some cake. And more booze.”

Cas grumbled, “ _More_ booze?”

“Yeah, you’re still boring, more booze, come on,” Gabriel said, as he stood up and pulled Cas to his feet.

Gabe led them all back to the bar built into the living room of his house, where Kali was reading a book on the couch.

“Thanks for not trying to interrupt my phone call,” Cas said to her, which made her laugh.

“I don’t have any interest in overhearing your romantic dalliances,” Kali replied with a wink as she closed the book and joined them at the bar. “So, what are you making for us?”

“Gummy bear jello shots for the sibs, and a jamuntini for my lady,” Gabe said to her with a wink.

“Can I opt out of the gummy bear jello shots?” Cas asked.

“Nope!” Gabe said, as he pulled a tray of plastic cups filled with jello and gummy bears from the fridge.

Cas sighed and pulled one off the tray. Despite his original reluctance, he soon consumed four of the jello shots.

It wasn’t long before he was completely smashed, and he didn’t help his situation by also drinking the two Kamikazes Gabe prepared for him. 

All four of them were soon wasted and singing karaoke on Gabe and Kali’s television at the top of their lungs. Cas barely noticed Gabe swiping Cas's phone from the table as he belted out “All I Want For Christmas is You,” which he ended by drunkenly pouting about how much he wished Dean was there. 

He definitely didn’t notice Gabe sending the video he’d recorded to Sam with a message that said, “pls for all that’s holy, show this to dean as a christmas gift xoxo gabe.”

Cas wasn’t entirely sure when they ordered the tacos, but he took great advantage of eating as many as he possibly could. He also couldn’t remember passing out on top of the giant life-sized teddy bear Gabe inexplicably had in the corner of his living room, but that’s where he found himself at four o’clock in the morning with a desperate need to throw up everything he’d ever eaten into their toilet.


	11. Chapter 11 (December 24, 2019)

#  **Chapter Eleven**

_(Dean)_

As expected, at around eight AM, Dean heard the tell-tale sounds of footsteps outside his door. And it wasn’t long before Ben came barreling into his room and jumping on his bed.

“Time to get up, Dad,” Ben urged.

“Gimme a minute,” Dean said, but he nonetheless pushed himself up on the bed and wiped his eyes. After an exaggerated yawn, he looked over at Ben and said, “Alright then. Cinnamon rolls?”

Ben’s face lit up into a grin, and he rushed out of the room towards the kitchen. Dean forced himself out of bed and into a robe before following him over to the kitchen.

He loved cooking with his son, and it didn’t take long for him to wake up while showing Ben how to make their traditional Christmas cinnamon rolls. He loved how Ben was finally becoming old enough to be more of a help, rather than a hindrance in the kitchen.

Dean turned the small television in the kitchen on and changed it to a channel that was playing _Nightmare Before Christmas_ while the cinnamon rolls baked in the oven.

“Smells good in here,” Sam said as he came into the room a couple minutes later. “Can I talk to you about some Christmas secrets for a minute?”

Dean noticed the way Sam was nodding his head to the other room, and followed him.

“What’s up?” Dean asked.

Sam’s face lit up into a grin. “So get this…”

Sam pulled out his phone, and opened his text thread with Cas, handing the phone over to Dean.

Dean squinted as he read the message from Gabe, and then clicked play on the video. A clearly inebriated Cas was standing on the couch and belting out the lyrics to “All I Want For Christmas is You” completely off-key. Towards the end of the song, he started changing the “you” to “Dean.” After the song was over, he slumped down on the couch and pouted, “I want Deeeean. You guys _suck_. I want Dean. _My_ Dean.” Then, the video ended with the camera being turned towards an obviously drunk Gabriel, who blew kisses at the screen and winked.

Dean smiled at the video, feeling unusually touched by the sight of his clearly wasted boyfriend pining for him. Fuck, he wanted Cas.

“Cas is gonna kill him,” Dean said, ignoring the wave of emotion that overcame him and handing the phone back to Sam. “He’s paranoid about being recorded. Send me that video, though. I need it.”

“Gotta say that was a real surprise text to wake up to,” Sam said with a laugh as he forwarded him the video.

Dean heard the oven timer go off and ran back into the kitchen to take the cinnamon rolls out. It wasn’t long after the cinnamon rolls came out that Bobby joined them in the kitchen. As usual, Bobby ignored him and went straight to the coffee machine. It usually took Bobby at least ten minutes before he was able to communicate in anything other than grunts.

It was tradition for them to go to Ellen’s house for Christmas Eve, starting in the early afternoon, where they had a cookie baking and decorating tradition. 

Dean had just told Ben to hurry up so they could go over to bake cookies for Santa, when Ben said, “I know Santa isn’t _real_ , Dad.”

Dean froze. “What do you mean Santa isn’t real?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I’m not a _baby,_ Dad.”

“You’re _my_ baby,” Dean said, ruffling his hair and making Ben scrunch his face up in irritation. “And we’re still going over to the Harvelles’ to make cookies, so get your butt moving.”

Ben rolled his eyes at him again as he walked away, and Dean sighed.

“Who let him grow up, anyway?” Dean asked, and Sam squeezed him on the shoulder in response.

As he was walking back to his room to get dressed for the day, he started wondering if Cas would want any more kids. He hadn’t really considered it before he dated Cas. After all, he already had Ben. But now… Ben was already growing up so quickly, and there were so many things it was already too late to share with Cas. He wanted to experience the joy of a kid waiting for Santa again. He wanted to watch a kid take their first steps or have their first words. He wanted to argue with Cas over who was the better dad. He wanted to be able to hold his child in his arms without them trying desperately to get away. He wanted to watch Cas rock their baby to sleep while singing delightfully off-key. He wanted that. With Cas. Everything with Cas.

He took a deep breath. Holy shit, that was a big thought, and he had no idea whether Cas even _wanted_ children. He’d said he wasn’t good with them, but he was always good with Ben. Fuck, fuck, he had to put that thought away, and just get ready for a good Christmas with his family. 

He pulled on his Darth Vader themed Christmas sweater that said “Merry Sithmas” on it and a pair of jeans. He wondered how Ben would feel about younger siblings. Crap, he really needed to stop thinking about it.

It was only with the benefit of a lifetime of pushing down his emotions that he was able to get himself ready to go over to Ellen’s house. Once they got there, though, it wasn’t long before questions started popping up again.

“So, I hear you have a special someone,” Ellen said suggestively as she rolled out her piece of dough. 

Dean sighed and glanced over at Jo, who simply shrugged.

“I hear they’ve been part of your life for a _while_ now,” Ellen continued. “Even though I haven’t heard a peep about them.”

“Yeah, really sounds like you haven’t heard a peep,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “And your use of gender neutral pronouns _really_ makes it sound like Jo didn’t let anything else slide about him.”

Ellen laughed, while Jo raised her arms in an exaggerated shrug. “She really hadn’t confirmed anything for me. Her use of gender neutral pronouns did lead me to suspect, but I didn’t get anything confirmed until that ‘him’ came out of _your_ mouth. So, tell me about him.”

“His name is Cas,” Dean answered in resignation, cutting out shapes with the cookie cutters from his own dough.

“Cas is the best,” Ben interjected, causing Dean’s chest to constrict with happiness, even as Ben added, “He gave me my own room _and_ let me hang a Batman poster on the wall!”

“So you’re living together,” Ellen deduced.

Dean nodded. “It’s recent, only ‘bout a month, but—yeah.”

“Only _officially_ for a month,” Sam added.

“And unofficially?” Ellen asked.

Sam snorted. “Dean’s practically been living there since they first met. _Months_ ago.”

“How many months?” Ellen probed. 

“‘Bout seven,” Dean answered.

“Sounds pretty serious,” Ellen stated.

“Oh, Dad _looooves_ Cas,” Ben answered. “It’s _very_ serious. They’re _always_ kissing.”

Dean grinned at his son.

“It’s by far the longest relationship you’ve had since Lisa,” Jo commented. “And I gotta say you’ve never really gushed about _anyone_ like you do about Cas, not even Lisa.”

“So might I get to meet this mysterious gentleman next Christmas, then?” Ellen asked pointedly.

Dean shrugged. “Dunno, maybe, that’s a year away.” Internally, for the first time, he realized that next year, Christmas would be a month after the election. Maybe they _would_ be public by then.

“Is there a reason why you didn’t invite him this year?” Ellen asked. “Scared we’d all drive him away?”

“He has his own family that wanted to see him for Christmas,” Dean answered, but he knew that was largely untrue. Cas loved Gabriel and Anna, but that wasn’t the reason he was spending Christmas with them instead of with Dean. Cas had made it clear on a number of occasions that he would much rather be spending time with Dean over the holidays.

“Just as long as _you_ know we’d all be happy to have him here,” Ellen said pointedly. “And that this isn’t about anyone’s gender.”

“ _All_?” Dean asked. “Dad not coming tonight, then?”

Ellen sighed. “I invited him. He said he’d come, but… you know your father. We’ll see.”

“Wouldn’t be too big of a tragedy if he lost track of the days,” Sam muttered.

“Sam,” Dean said sharply. “He’s still our Dad.”

“Yeah, if you say so,” Sam said with a shrug. “So, Ben, how are you planning to decorate your Batman cookie?”

“Uh, like Batman?” Ben answered, tilting his head and squinting in a way that reminded Dean of Cas.

Dean laughed, loving the way Sam’s attempted diversion failed. “You tell him, buddy.”

They had five baking sheets completely filled with cookies, but they placed Dean and Ben’s in the oven to cook first. Their pans were full of a mixture of Christmas, Batman, and Star Wars shaped cookies. 

Dean’s favorite part of the cookie making process was always decorating, and this year was no exception. Dean spent entirely too long decorating one of the angels, turning the wings into a billowing trenchcoat that matched his Wikipedia profile picture, and adding blue eyes, brown hair, and a blue tie.

“Is that supposed to be Cas?” Sam asked.

“Maybe,” Dean answered.

“That’s adorable,” Sam said, snapping a picture and causing Dean to grimace.

Ben, as usual, was going overboard with the frosting and sprinkles, but Dean didn’t mind. Part of the tradition was letting his son go as crazy as he wanted on his cookies.

Dean went back to decorating his cookies, working carefully on making the Yoda cookie look like Baby Yoda, and had mostly forgotten about his cookie Cas when his phone pinged with a text from Cas nearly twenty minutes later. He opened the text, finding a picture of a gingerbread man that was clearly painted to be him with green eyes, a plaid shirt, a dark brown jacket, and jeans. Cas had evidently put way more effort into decorating his cookie Dean than Dean had with his cookie Cas and it made him smile.

“I guess you sent that picture of my Cas cookie to Cas,” Dean said to Sam, showing him Cas’s picture of his own cookie.

“I plead the fifth,” Sam answered with a grin.

Ben was already done with his cookies, and he left the table to go play with the Legos Ellen had set up for him in the other room, so Dean decided it’d be a good time to take a break to call Cas.


	12. Chapter 12 (December 24, 2019)

#  **Chapter Twelve**

_(Cas)_

Cas woke up with a head-splitting headache and groaned when he realized it was already nearly one in the afternoon. He didn’t know why he always let Gabe convince him to go too far, and he always regretted it the next day.

He could barely even remember what happened, but some of his memory was restored when he saw a text chain with Sam that was just a long string of crying laughing emojis.

He opened the video before it to see what he was laughing about, and his stomach sank as he realized it was a drunk video of him singing karaoke about Dean. What the fuck was Gabriel thinking? He knew the risks of that kind of video leaking, even if it was unlikely it would ever get out to someone other than Sam.

He wanted to throttle his brother, but he also wanted to stay in bed and never leave. Instead, he was roused out of bed by the smell of eggs and bacon cooking.

He walked into the kitchen, where he found Anna and Kali slumped over the kitchen table, looking about as distressed as he felt, while Gabriel who somehow _never_ experienced hangovers was whistling while cooking up some bacon and eggs.

“Good moooorning, sleepyhead,” Gabriel said as he sat down at the table.

Cas groaned. “I’m going to fucking kill you, Gabe.”

Gabe chuckled and placed the first plate of bacon and eggs in front of him. “I’ve got your cure for your hangover right here, bro.”

Cas glared at him. “Not for the hangover. That’s _my_ fault for being unable to say no to you. I’m going to kill you for the _video._ ”

Gabe let out a loud laugh as he gave Anna and Kali their food. “Oh man, I forgot about that! Did your boytoy and his little brother like their gift?”

“You _know_ how I feel about people secretly taking pictures or recording me,” Cas grumbled. “Especially after what happened with Meg.”

“Oh, don’t be such a drama queen. It’s not like I sent them to the press,” Gabe said, rolling his eyes. “Just gave some quality Christmas entertainment for your boyfriend’s family to enjoy.”

“And if Sam sends that video to the wrong person? Or one of our phones gets hacked?” Cas questioned.

“Don’t be so paranoid. I’ve sent all kinds of illicit messages to Kali, and they’ve never ended up in public. Right, babe?” He asked with a wink towards his long time on-and-off-again girlfriend.

“Yeah, well, maybe that’s because they don’t need to hack your phone for embarrassing pictures, because they can just wait until you’re wasted at one of your casinos with all your scantily clad employees hanging off of you to take a nice picture,” Cas said grumpily, to which Kali raised an eyebrow.

“I get why you’re angry, and Gabe _should not_ have recorded you without your consent,” Kali said with a sharp glare pointed at Gabe, “but you will not speak to him that way in our house, nor will you try to shame him for doing his _job_.”

“It’s his job to get drunk with his underdressed employees?” Cas asked incredulously.

“Yes,” Kali answered, rolling her eyes. “Don’t be such a naive little prude. It’s a _Las Vegas_ _casino._ We need publicity that shows it’s a fun place for very drunk and very horny men to come.”

“Oh, they come, alright,” Gabe said with a laugh. “The janitorial staff does _not_ like cleaning the bathrooms, I can tell you that.”

Anna, who had yet to say anything, said, “Cas shouldn’t be judgmental of Gabe’s life choices. Gabe should stop being such a fucking prick who always pushes way past Cas’s very clearly set boundaries. Can we move on now?”

“Oh, like constantly asking him to come on one of your pods isn’t pushing at his boundaries?” Gabe asked.

“I _ask_ ,” Anna emphasized. “You do whatever you want without worrying about the consequences for the people around you. You always have, and you know it. If you had a podcast, you would have dialed Cas into the pod without telling him it was recording live.”

Gabe shrugged. “Whatever, I’ll just wait for you guys to get over your hangovers, and then maybe we can continue this fine Christmas Eve _without_ a fight.”

“I’d be mad without the hangover, too,” Cas said grumpily.

“Yeah, well, I’m used to you being mad at me, so I’m going to get started on the gingerbread house,” Gabe said as he headed back into the kitchen.

Kali rolled her eyes and got up to help him, leaving him alone at the table with Anna.

“Thanks for sticking up for me,” Cas said quietly.

“I do think you go overboard with your paranoia sometimes, but recording you while drunk and sending the video to someone was definitely a step too far,” Anna replied with a shrug. “I’d be furious if he did it to me, too.”

Cas sighed and shook his head, but his attention was diverted when he felt his phone vibrate with a text. He looked at his phone, and saw Sam had sent him a text with two pictures: one of an angel cookie that was clearly decorated to represent him, and another of Dean carefully concentrating on decorating this cookie with his brow furrowed, clearly unaware that a picture was being taken.

Cas grinned, and his anger immediately started to fade away. “Gabe, you already cooked the gingerbread men, right?” 

“What? Yes, I made the gingerbread men yesterday. I’m making the house now,” he answered.

“Can I decorate a gingerbread man?” Cas asked.

“Go for it,” Gabe said, gesturing to where he’d set up the frosting and toppings for cookie decorations.

For the next twenty minutes, Cas carefully decorated the cookie, adding in as many details as he could think of to make sure it looked distinctly like Dean. As soon as he finished, he sent a picture of it to Dean.

Shortly after he sent the picture, his phone started ringing, and he immediately went to answer it, ignoring the minor protests from his brother as he made his way into the guest room for privacy.

“Hello, Dean,” he answered.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean replied, and Cas would never get tired of hearing that voice.

“How’s your Christmas Eve going?” 

Dean let out a small laugh. “How open do you want me to be on the phone today?”

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas replied as he tried to push the paranoia out of his head. “I… may have been overly cautious in my phone etiquette. As long as you keep it PG-13 and don’t make it obvious in our WhatsApp chat, I think we can be open on the phone. Gabriel and Anna haven’t had problems and they’re… much bigger public figures than me. And… anyway, I love you, and I miss you, so please talk to me truthfully.”

Dean’s voice got quieter as he said, “Lots of talk about you. Ellen forced me into coming out to her. She already knew, though. Jo’s… not subtle.”

“I’m sorry she forced you to talk before you were ready,” Cas said, causing Dean to laugh.

“‘S’okay, she was supportive, and I was planning to tell her anyway,” Dean replied. “Think she’s already planning our wedding, though.”

Cas smiled at the thought of marrying Dean. “We could probably use some wedding help. I only feel qualified to help in wedding cake tasting.”

“Wedding _pie_ testing,” Dean corrected.

“You’re right, Dean, my bad,” Cas said with a laugh. “How’s everything else?”

Dean groaned. “Ben stopped believing in Santa sometime since last year, apparently.”

“Oh no, how does that make you feel?”

“Makes me feel old and like shit, but hey, what else is new?” Dean answered.

“You’re definitely not old, Dean. You’re not even thirty.”

“You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re older than me and in denial,” Dean replied. 

“Well, you know, if you want to leave me for a younger, more—”

“Cas, baby, with age comes experience,” Dean said suggestively.

“Oh, so you’re saying we’ll be even better in bed when we’re both in our seventies?” Cas asked.

“You got it, sexy,” Dean replied. “You ‘n me, we’ll be seniors in the nursing home and give everyone a show.”

“You gonna develop a public sex kink, then?” Cas asked.

“Look, I’m just saying, once we’re _that_ good, it would probably be criminal _not_ to show everyone the way it should be done,” Dean said.

Cas laughed. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Dean said easily. “How are things going over there?”

“Well, today has mostly been us getting into an argument because of Gabe failing to respect my drunken privacy,” Cas grumbled.

Dean laughed. “I loved that video, though. You should serenade me more often.”

“Nobody wants to hear me sing,” Cas said with a sigh.

“I do,” Dean replied. “Freaking _loved_ that video. Made Sam send it to me. Already watched it three times. Especially loved the end where you pout about how much you want me.”

“I _do_ want you, desperately,” Cas said. “Wish I could spend Christmas with you.”

“Wish I could spend Christmas with you too, angel,” Dean said. 

Cas cleared his throat. “So, uh, what else do you have planned for Christmas Eve?”

Dean sighed. “Mostly just dinner. Dad might come, so that’ll be… interesting. Then we all get special Christmas pajamas and go to bed. What about you?”

“Kali always makes us a feast of Indian food on Christmas Eve, at least on the years when they’re still together for Christmas time,” Cas said. “It’s actually my favorite part of Christmas. We have a more traditional Christmas dinner on Christmas day with ham, and mashed potatoes, and stuffing, and everything, but Christmas Eve Indian food— mm, my favorite.”

“That sounds awesome,” Dean replied. “Ellen always cooks up a storm for Christmas Eve too, but sadly no Indian food.”

“You said your dad might come?” Cas questioned. “How do you think that’ll go?”

Cas could hear the deep sigh on the other end of the phone. Dean had told him a fair amount about his father, and none of it had been particularly good.

“I guess it depends how drunk he is,” Dean said after pausing for a minute or so.

“No matter what happens, sweetheart, just know I’m here for you,” Cas said. “And if you need me to make an emergency phone call pretending to be your “work”, you just let me know.”

Dean laughed. “I’m not sure what kind of Christmas mechanic emergencies you can come up with for a shop that’s in another state and closed for the holiday, but thanks for the offer.”

“Anything for you, my love,” Cas responded. “If he’s drunk enough, he might not notice it doesn’t make sense. Just like how I didn’t notice it would be a bad idea to have gummy bear jello shots last night.”

“Gummy bear jello shots?” Dean asked incredulously with a laugh. 

“Yes, Gabe has… a remarkable sweet tooth and generally poor ideas,” Cas answered.

“I’ve never seen you _drunk_ drunk before,” Dean commented. “Might need to get you more alcohol for home, see if I can load you up enough to make you sing for me.”

Cas groaned. “Please, I don’t need another bad drinking influence in my life.”

“Hey, babe? Ben’s calling for me. I think he wants to play a board game,” Dean said, somewhat reluctantly. “I’ll call you later, okay? I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetheart. Happy Christmas Eve,” Cas replied.

They hung up, and Cas realized that his morning anger and hangover had cleared up, just from a short conversation with Dean. He wished he could be there with Dean, decorating cookies and playing games with Ben. He hated that he had to miss out on family traditions with them, just because he was worried about them being seen spending the holidays together. He fucking hated being the son of the President. 

He hated it even more after he went back out to his siblings, who showed him a picture the White House had posted on Twitter of their parents, Michael, Michael’s wife Lily, Luke, Luke’s wife Kelly, and Michael and Luke's children eating a Christmas Eve dinner together. He wouldn’t have gone anyway, but he hadn’t even been invited.

In response, Anna took a picture of the four of them wearing matching elf hats that ended in little bells and posted it on Twitter with the caption, “All the jingle ladies.”


	13. Chapter 13 (December 24, 2019)

#  **Chapter Thirteen**

_(Dean)_

They’d already mostly finished dinner when there was a knock on the front door. Dean’s stomach fell, already knowing that it was most likely his father.

He was proven right a couple minutes later when Ellen let a bedraggled-looking John into the dining room. He looked worse than Dean had seen him in years. His hair was tangled and messy, his eyes were bloodshot, he’d clearly lost weight, and the skin on his face was red and blotchy.

“Merry Christmas, Dad,” Dean said, trying to push down the guilt he felt just from looking at him.

“Merry Christmas, Grandpa!” Ben added cheerfully as he got up to hug him. Dean watched as John barely acknowledged Ben in the hug, and then stumbled down in the chair next to Dean.

Even though he wasn’t sitting that close, Dean could smell the alcohol. He grit his teeth in irritation.

“How’s uh, how’s that big fancy Harvard Law School treatin’ you, Sammy?” John asked, ignoring Dean and Ben entirely. “Teachin’ you how to lie ‘n rip people off yet?”

Dean watched the anger on Sam’s face as he answered, “I go to Stanford, not Harvard.”

John waved his hand dismissively. “Same difference.”

Ellen came back into the room with a plate full of food for John, but he ignored her entirely as she placed it in front of him.

“Back with Lisa yet?” John asked Dean, nudging him in the shoulder. “Keep tellin’ ya that ya need to stick with the boy’s mother.”

“Lisa is married, Dad,” Dean stated angrily.

“John, why don’t we move on to another discussion?” Bobby said gruffly.

“Fathers should stick with mothers,” John said. “If Mary was still around, I’d—”

“If Mary was still around, she would have left you for being an alcoholic asshole who has never cared for your children,” Sam said, his face burning with clear anger.

“Hey, um, Ben,” Dean said, “Why don’t you and Jo go play in the other room?”

He gave a pointed glance to Jo, who nodded, knowing he was asking her to make sure Ben didn’t listen in to the conversation.

“The kid should stay,” John said. “You think your dad and mom should get back together, right, kid?”

Ben glanced between Dean and John with wide, fearful eyes, and Dean placed his hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

“I…” Ben said, his voice small. “I like Matt. And Dad has Cas now!”

Dean drew in a deep breath, pulled Ben into a hug, and placed a kiss on his forehead. “Hey, buddy, can you go play in the other room? I’ll come get you when it’s time for dessert.”

“Okay, Dad,” Ben said, and he walked over to where Jo was standing with a hand held out for him.

As Ben and Jo were still leaving, John started to say, “Cas? Who in the Hell is Cas? You cheating on Lisa?”

“I can’t cheat on someone I haven’t been with for five years!” Dean yelled.

“Okay, okay, why don’t we all calm down a little bit,” Ellen said. “John, can we please just have a nice Christmas dinner?”

“All’s y’alls ate without me anyway,” John said.

“You were an hour and a half late, Dad! What the fuck did you expect?” Sam asked. “We should all just wait around every time you’re late, even though half the time you fail to show up at all?”

“Don’t speak to me with that tone of voice, boy,” John said.

“I’m not a kid anymore, _John_ , and I’ll speak to you however I damn well please,” Sam said as he stood from the table and left the room.

“Dunno what’s got into that boy,” John said, and Dean felt his hand ball into a fist.

“Have you considered that if you treated him better, he might treat you better?” Dean asked.

“What do ya know about treatin’ someone righ’?” John asked, his words slurring. “Just up and leave when I need ya, never call, never write.”

“You do know phones and mail work two ways,” Dean said, his voice cold. “And you care so much about me staying a family with my son that you want me to _break up her marriage_ , but you don’t think I should move to live near my son because my adult father might need me?”

“Well, ya won’t get back with her anyways, so what’s the use of ya living there? That other guy - Mike or whatever’s more a dad ‘n you are. And now you are slutting it up with another whore, gonna get her pregnant and leave too?” John asked angrily with spit spraying out the side of his mouth.

Dean’s anger hit its boiling point as he coldly said, “I highly doubt I’ll manage to get my _boyfriend_ pregnant.”

John shot up from his chair and screamed, “I DIDN’T RAISE NO BUTTFUCKING QUEER!”

John’s screams made Sam run back into the room, his face bright red and angry.

“You didn’t raise us at all,” Sam said in an icy voice. “Dean had to raise both himself and me.”

“DON’T YOU DARE—” John bellowed, but he was surprised out of finishing by Bobby grabbing his arm.

“I think it’s time for you to leave,” Bobby said coldly.

“You can’t tell me to leave!” John yelled.

“ _I_ can,” Ellen said. “It’s my house, and I won’t have you speaking to my family this way. It’s time for you to go.”

John tried to punch Bobby who was leading him towards the door, but Bobby easily caught the fist due to John’s reflexes being slowed from the alcohol. Bobby took the keys that were hanging out of John’s pants, and pushed him out the door.

Dean watched from the window as Bobby manhandled John into the backseat of the car and got into the driver’s side. He sighed. John was rarely fun company, but he hadn’t seen him _this_ bad since Sam announced he wanted to go to another state for college, and Dean told him he was leaving too.

Sam walked up next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?” he asked.

Dean shrugged and moved away from Sam’s touch.

“I need to talk to Ben,” Dean said. “How much do you think he overheard?”

Sam sighed. “Based on how much I heard after leaving the room, I’m guessing roughly… all of it. Jo was trying to distract him, though.”

Dean sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “Great.”

He walked back out to where Jo was desperately trying to get Ben to play with the Star Wars action figures. 

“Hey kiddo, come here,” Dean said, and Ben rushed over to give him a hug.

“You okay, Daddy?” Ben asked, and his voice was so filled with fear that part of him wanted to drive to his father’s house and punch him himself.

“Yeah, buddy, I’m okay,” Dean answered. “Are you okay?”

Ben nodded. “Why was Grandpa so mad?”

Dean took in a deep breath and hugged Ben closer. “Grandpa’s sick, buddy. You’ve grown up so much, so I think you’re old enough to handle the truth now. Do you think you’re old enough for that?”

Ben nodded eagerly, and Dean guided him over to the couch. Dean jerked his head towards the door, and Jo and Sam took his signal to clear out of the room so that it was just the two of them.

“Grandpa was really, really sad when Grandma died, and he became an alcoholic. Do you know what that is?” Dean asked.

Ben nodded. “Someone who drinks lots and lots of alcohol.”

“Right,” Dean said. “He drinks a _lot_ of alcohol. And when he drinks alcohol, he gets mean, and says and does things that hurt people.”

“But why does he want you to get back with Mom?” Ben asked.

Dean sighed and shrugged. “He’s got some backwards ideas, kiddo. Just know that your mom and I are happy the way things are, and we both love you just as much, even though we’re not together.”

“I know,” Ben said. “And Matt always says I’m lucky because I get a bonus dad. And now I get _two_ bonus dads.”

Dean smiled. “That’s right, buddy. Make sure you tell Cas that next time you see him, too.”

“Dad,” Ben said. “What’s a buttfucking queer?”

Dean sighed and rested his head against the back of the couch. “Don’t repeat that, bud. It’s not nice.”

“But what does it mean?” Ben asked.

“You remember when Suzie told Erin she didn’t have a real family?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, and I called her a bitch,” Ben replied.

Dean laughed. “Yes, and we told you not to say that. But...There are some people who don’t like it when men are in relationships with men, or women are in relationships with women. When Dad said what he said - which, again, please don’t repeat that - he was calling me a mean name to say he didn’t approve of my relationship.”

“Why do people not like gay relationships?” Ben asked.

Dean shrugged, and pushed everything he’d ever heard from his father out of his mind. “I don’t know, bud. Some people think it’s wrong or sinful. _They_ ’re the ones that are wrong. Love is love.”

“I’m happy you found Cas, Daddy,” Ben said, snuggling up next to him.

“Me too, Ben,” Dean said, putting his arm around Ben’s waist. “Me too.”

Dean sat with his arm around Ben for several minutes, savoring the moment as Ben allowed him to snuggle closer for once. He knew he had to call Lisa to tell her what happened, so she’d be ready to answer any questions Ben might have when he got home. For the moment, though, until they were called in for dessert, he was going to enjoy a moment alone with his son.


	14. Chapter 14 (December 24 - 25, 2019)

#  **Chapter Fourteen**

_(Cas)_

Cas was stuffed full of delicious Indian food, and curled up under a blanket on the couch watching Elf with his siblings when Dean called. 

He quickly got up and went to the guest room for privacy before answering the phone.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said as he answered the phone.

“Hi, angel,” Dean said, but Cas could tell there was something off in his voice.

“How’d your Christmas Eve go?”

“Just got Ben down for bed,” Dean said. “John showed up for dinner.”

“How’d that go?” Cas asked.

“Worse than expected, and I wasn’t expecting much,” Dean said with a sigh. 

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas said sincerely. “Was he drunk?”

Dean scoffed. “ _Of course_. And he immediately started in on Sam for going to law school and me for...I guess breaking up with Lisa five years ago.”

“Did he not know you broke up before this?”

“No, he did,” Dean said, his voice clearly irritated. “He’s never been okay with it. The only thing that pissed me off is he started in about it with Ben still at the table, and the bastard even tried to get Ben to say he wanted us to get back together. And you know what my incredible son said?”

“That your Dad should stay the fuck out of your love life?”

“He said I had you now,” Dean said with a laugh. “And then Dad said I was _cheating on Lisa_ somehow.”

“He knows she’s married, right?” Cas asked.

“Don’t think he cares,” Dean said. “I got mad and told him you were my _boy_ friend, he yelled that I was a buttfucking queer, Sam yelled at him for never being around, and then he tried to punch Bobby when Bobby forced him to leave, but luckily he was too drunk to succeed.”

“Wow,” Cas said. “That’s...uh, that’s a lot. You doing alright, sweetheart?”

“Yeah, mostly just mad Ben had to see it,” Dean said with a sigh. “Had to have a heart to heart with Ben and explain alcoholism and homophobia, and then I had to call Lisa to warn her.”

“How’d that go?” Cas asked.

“Mostly okay. Felt bad interrupting her Christmas, but she was cool about it,” Dean said. “She knows John, so… she gets it. Probably knew we’d have to talk to Ben about him eventually.”

“Ben’s okay, though?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, he’s awesome,” Dean said. “By the time for pie, he seemed completely over it. And he was thrilled to open his Stormtrooper pajamas. I’m sure he’ll completely forget about it once he sees all the presents tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry your Christmas was disrupted by him, anyway,” Cas said.

“It’s alright, babe. At least I don’t have to worry about him finding out about you from someone else anymore,” Dean said.

“I’m proud of you for coming out to him.”

Dean snorted. “I mean, thank you, but I only said it to piss him off. He told me I was probably going to get you pregnant and leave you, just like Lisa. So I told him it was unlikely that I’d get my very male boyfriend pregnant.”

“Not for lack of trying,” Cas said, and Dean laughed.

“Can’t wait to try again soon,” Dean said.

“Me either, Dean,” Cas said. “I love you.”

“Love you too, angel,” Dean replied. “I should get to bed and let you get back to your family.”

“Okay, Dean, sleep well,” Cas said. “Love you so much. Have a good Christmas tomorrow.”

“You too, babe, love you,” Dean replied.

Cas went back to watching _Elf_ with his siblings, but spent the entire time visualizing what he would have said to John if he had been there. He’d never actually been someone who ran towards confrontation, and in fact, he usually would go silent when other people in his family would start fighting. But the idea of Dean’s _father_ saying those things to him, and in front of Ben… It made him want to fly out to South Dakota and punch the guy himself.

After the movie was over, he excused himself to go to bed, turning down Gabe’s offers for some “lightly alcoholic” cider.

The next day, Cas woke up to pictures of Ben excitedly opening up his presents, and a picture of Dean wearing a Santa hat and a red Christmas sweater that said “Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal” and winking at the camera. He made the picture of Dean his phone background, and sent Dean back a picture of himself wearing a red and white striped onesie and a Santa hat.

 **Dean (9:45 AM):** hahaha where the fuck did you get that onesie

 **Castiel (9:45 AM):** Gabriel, of course.

 **Castiel (9:46 AM):** Ben seemed to enjoy his presents.

 **Dean (9:47 AM):** yeah he’s been shooting all of us with the nerf blaster for hours now. really regretting that purchase.

 **Dean (9:48 AM):** he also really fucking loved the lego robot building set you got him. but he told me he wanted to wait to use it with you.

 **Castiel (9:48 AM):** <3 Can’t wait.

 **Dean (9:49 AM):** thanks for turning my kid into a science nerd like you.

 **Castiel (9:51 AM):** Are you under the false impression that you’re _not_ a science nerd? Who is the one of us who can fix any mechanical or electronic thing?

 **Dean (9:52 AM):** well, it sure as hell isn’t you. you wanted to call a plumber just because the toilet got clogged.

 **Castiel (9:52 AM):** It was a very bad clog.

 **Dean (9:53 AM):** if you say so. the plunger didn’t find it particularly challenging.

Cas smiled at his phone and wished once again that he could be with Dean today. Instead, though, he got up, and joined Kali in the kitchen.

“Everyone else still asleep?” He asked.

She nodded. “I went to bed shortly after you, but Gabe didn’t join me in bed til at least three AM, so I imagine they’ll be a while.”

“You mind if I ask you some personal questions?” Cas asked.

Kali raised an eyebrow. “Depends what they are.”

“Just… when the media found out you and Gabe were together, what was that like for you?” He asked.

“Ah, so this is about Dean,” Kali said with a short nod. “Well. To be fair, the media found out about me and Gabe because they took a video of us doing some pretty vigorous making out, partially nude, with more than a fair amount of frottage. So… I recommend a different approach.”

“Yes, I imagine that’s not the best way to be introduced to the public,” Cas said.

“It was hard at first,” Kali said with a shrug. “Lots of racism, lots of sexism, lots of slut shaming. I’m guessing Dean will mostly be hit with homophobia. You will too, you know. You ready for that?”

“I’m not worried about me,” Cas answered. “I’ve been through the media attention before.”

Kali sighed. “The other difference between Dean and me is that, while I was not used to the _kind_ or _amount_ of attention, I was a professional competitive dancer. I’d had media attention beforehand. It didn’t prepare me. Gabe didn’t try to prepare me, either. And unlike you, he never tried to be discreet about any relationship he was in.”

“What helped you get past it?” Cas asked.

“Honestly?” Kali questioned. “It gets easier, but I’ll never get completely past it. It’s why Gabe and I have broken up so often. Even though our relationship is open, and the “cheating” stories don’t really bother me because he always tells me about them before they are reported on… the constant attention and rumors get in my head. I love him, though, so I come back.”

“I’m glad you do,” Cas said. “You’re good for him.”

Kali smiled and placed her hand over Cas’s. “If Dean loves you, he’ll find a way through, too.”

“Yeah, I guess I just wonder if it’s selfish of me to make him go through it,” Cas replied.

“It’s not selfish of you to want to share your life with someone,” Kali said, shaking her head. “And I would have hated Gabe if he tried to take that choice away from me, especially if it was framed as being ‘for my own good.’ Let Dean decide on his own what’s right for him.”

“I guess you’re right,” Cas said.

“I generally am,” Kali said. “If only your brother recognized that.”

Cas grinned. “Pretty sure my brother is physically incapable of admitting he is wrong about anything.”

Kali shrugged one shoulder. “You’d be surprised how often he admits to fucking up, and feels guilty about fucking up, when he doesn’t feel like he needs to impress someone.”

“I’m his brother, why would he need to impress me?” Cas asked. 

Kali shook her head. “It’s _because_ he’s your big brother, Cas. He lives up to the expectations you set for him. You expect he’s going to be the goofy irresponsible one, so he plays up that part of himself. That’s not to say he’s faking, because God knows he’s always goofy and frequently irresponsible, but he… There’s more to Gabe that he doesn’t show you. Just as I imagine there’s stuff you show to Dean that we don’t see.”

Cas thought about it, and found that it was definitely true that he acted differently with Dean than with anyone else. More open and more affectionate, for sure, but also more willing to be silly. Perhaps it was the opposite with Gabe, where he was more willing to be serious when he wasn’t putting on a show.

He spent the rest of the morning hanging out with Kali and knitting, until Gabe and Anna finally woke up a little after noon. Because they’d grown up with deeply impersonal expensive gifts, they had a pact that they’d only give each other a charitable donation along with homemade or inexpensive gifts that they would never think to buy for themselves. Cas gave jam and apple sauce that he’d canned himself to each of them, along with a knitted bright orange hat for Gabe, a green scarf for Anna, and a red scarf for Kali. He donated $1000 to Planned Parenthood for Anna, $1000 to Toys for Tots for Gabe, and $1000 to the Wildlife Conservation Society for Kali.

In return, Kali gave him a pillow hand embroidered with an elephant in a Rabari style and a $250 donation to Greenpeace, Anna gave him a homemade honey scented candle and a $1500 donation to the International Rescue Committee, and Gabe got him underwear with his face printed all over them and a $1000 donation to the Environmental Defense Fund.

“To get Dean in the mood,” Gabe explained as he opened the underwear.

“Thanks, but I think your face will probably turn him off immediately,” Cas said.

“It works for Kali,” Gabe said, sending a wink at his girlfriend, who rolled her eyes.

“Well, I suppose it does fall under the category of gift I’d never buy for myself,” Cas said with a half-hearted shrug. 

“Better than the Casa Erotica tape he got me,” Anna said. “At least yours was personal.”

“Oh, that Casa Erotica is _very_ personal to me,” Gabe replied.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve made me want it _less_ ,” Anna said, shaking her head.

All in all, it was a successful Christmas; they had good laughs, ate good food, and made fun of horrible Hallmark Christmas movies together. There was only one thing missing: Dean. He kept wondering what jokes Dean would make, what Dean would think of the salted caramel apple pie, how comfy Dean would be snuggled up next to him...It was weird how suddenly Dean had become such a huge fixture of his life, how his absence left a hole in Cas’s life, even in events Dean had never been a part of before. He simply couldn’t wait until the day before New Years, when they’d _finally_ see each other in person again. 


	15. Chapter 15 (December 26 - 30, 2019)

#  **Chapter Fifteen**

_(Dean)_

Although his Christmas vacation had mostly been positive, and he’d loved seeing his South Dakota family and getting to spend quality time with Sam and Ben, Dean was _very much_ looking forward to getting home. He had just dropped Ben off at his mom’s house, and he only had a short drive back to Palo Alto, where he could drop Sam off at his and Jess’s apartment, and then finally, _finally_ , get home and see Cas.

He didn’t think it was possible to miss someone so much after such a short trip, but it was his first time being away from Cas for any extended period of time, and he missed him terribly. 

“You doing okay there, Dean?” Sam asked.

Dean nodded. “Just getting a little tired of driving.”

“I can take over if you want,” Sam said.

“No!” Dean replied quickly.

“Okay then,” Sam said, rolling his eyes. “Excited to see Cas again?”

“Excited to see Jess again?” Dean mocked.

“Madly,” Sam answered seriously. “So, you excited to see Cas?”

“Yeah,” Dean replied. “So stupid how much I miss him.”

“Love does that to you,” Sam said with a shrug. “My first year dating Jess… If she was away from me for more than a day, I wanted to rip my hair out.”

“Shoulda kept her away from you more, then,” Dean said. “Get that hair a bit more reasonable.”

Sam shot a glare at him and said, “She likes it.”

“Does it get easier, then?” Dean asked.

“Yes and no,” Sam answered. He took a minute to think out his response before saying, “I still miss her when she’s not around, but it doesn’t feel quite as empty anymore. I guess because I know it’s real, and permanent, so it feels less like I’m missing out on something fleeting and huge by being away from her, you know?”

“Real and permanent, huh?” Dean asked.

“Yeah,” Sam replied. “I’m uh… I actually bought a ring. I’m planning to ask her tomorrow at midnight.”

“That’s great, Sammy,” Dean said, taking his hand off the wheel to squeeze Sam’s leg. “A New Year’s proposal, nice and romantic. Good way to start off the new decade, too.”

“As long as she says yes, I guess,” Sam said cautiously.

“‘Course she’ll say yes, you kidding me?” Dean said. “Girl is crazy about you. And you guys have talked about marriage, right?”

“Yeah, we have,” Sam confirmed. “But it’s still nerve wracking actually asking.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Dean said with a grin. “Why didn’t you tell me you were planning to propose?”

“I just did,” Sam said.

Dean shook his head. “The day before, after you already bought a ring. You’ve obviously been thinking about this for a while. Did you just want her to be the first to know, or did you think I wouldn’t be supportive?”

Sam shrugged. “I didn’t think you would be particularly _un_ supportive, but…”

“But?”

“You still treat me like a baby a lot of the time,” Sam said. “I was worried you’d say it was too soon, that I should wait until I graduate law school or something. I just didn’t need any more doubts when I’m already nervous.”

“Sam…” Dean sighed. “You know what you told Dad, that I raised you?”

“I mean, yeah, I recall screaming at our idiot sperm donor,” Sam said.

“Well, you know, I treat you like a baby because in a way you’ll always be the kid I cut the crusts off the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for. It’s a problem with Ben, too. The kid’s seven, and I sometimes think of him as a three year old,” Dean said.

“I know,” Sam replied.

“But I try to treat you like an adult most the time, ‘cause you are,” Dean said seriously. “You’re twenty-two, you’ve been dating Jess for… what? Three years?”

“Three and a half,” Sam confirmed.

“Exactly,” Dean said. “And you’ve been living together for over a year. I’m pretty sure you know what you’re getting into, and I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Dean,” Sam said quietly.

“‘Sides, I better not start any precedent about having to be finished with degrees before getting married, or Cas and I won’t get married until we’re in our sixties,” Dean said with an exaggerated sigh. “Do you have _any_ idea how long PhD programs are?”

Sam laughed. “Not _that_ long, but yes. So… marriage, then? You want to marry him?”

“Eventually, yeah,” Dean said. “Obviously we need to… find a way to be public before then, but yeah. He’s it for me.”

“I’m happy for you, Dean,” Sam said.

“Whatever,” Dean said with a shrug, causing Sam to roll his eyes. Despite his feigned disinterest, when Dean dropped Sam off at his apartment, he hugged him for a lot longer than he normally would.

The trip from Sam’s apartment to his apartment with Cas was only a ten minute drive, but somehow that part of the trip seemed longer than the several hours he’d already spent in the car that day.

Finally, he made it into his apartment, and barely had a chance to call out “Cas, I’m home” before he had a fully grown man rushing up to him and desperately crashing their lips together with feverish desperation. 

“Missed you too, baby,” Dean said once they pulled apart to catch their breath, before leaning in again to peck a kiss on Cas’s lips.

Cas grabbed hold of Dean’s right hand and laced their fingers together. He pulled Dean’s hand up to his lips to press a kiss against his knuckles, and Dean smiled at him.

“Come on,” Cas said, pulling Dean towards the bedroom. “I got you a present.”

“A _sexy_ present?” Dean asked. 

Cas briefly turned his face towards him and winked suggestively. As soon as they made it into the bedroom, Cas placed Dean’s hand on the button of his jeans. 

“Time to unwrap your present,” Cas said huskily, and Dean eagerly took off Cas’s shirt, stopping to kiss Cas’s nipple. Then he took off Cas’s pants, revealing a pair of lacy green panties with a red bow on top and a pair of stockings connected to a garter belt. Cas’s cock was already straining in the panties.

Dean’s mouth dropped open, and he went silent for a few seconds before finally managing, “You…”

Cas suddenly looked nervous at his response and averted his gaze. “I’m sorry, too weird? I can take it off, I just…”

“Don’t you dare, Castiel Shurley,” Dean said, reclaiming his wits and straddling Cas on the bed. 

“Hey, look at me,” Dean said softly, and Cas’s bright blue eyes looked up to meet his gaze.

“You’re so beautiful like this,” Dean said, leaning down to lick across Cas’s chest, and nibble lightly on his nipple. Cas moaned softly, and Dean felt a wave of arousal rise in his body, his breath stuttering slightly.

“Dean, fuck, baby, fuck me—“ Cas pleaded as he started tearing off Dean’s clothing. Once the clothes were flung away, Dean leaned down and crashed his lips against Cas, whose hands slid around Dean’s back and neck, pulling him closer as their tongues slid together. 

Dean shifted so that their cocks rubbed against each other, making them both moan in tandem through their kiss. Dean softly bit Cas’s bottom lip, and then started moving lower, kissing down Cas’s neck, chest, and stomach, and then licking Cas’s hipbones as Cas’s fingers started clenching down on the bedsheet beneath them.

Dean pulled back for a moment, and then gently turned Cas until his ass was facing him. Cas whined as Dean hooked a finger on both sides of the panties and started pulling them down. 

Dean gasped as he spread Cas’s cheeks apart and discovered a bright red plug nestled inside Cas’s hole. 

“You got yourself ready for me, sweetheart?” Dean asked in a breathless whisper. 

“Wanted you so bad,” Cas said, turning to face Dean again, his eyes blown wide with arousal. “Couldn’t wait.”

Dean licked his lips, and said, “Fuck, baby, the things I want to do to you…”

Cas spread his legs and pushed his ass out towards Dean. “Show me. Show me how much you missed me.”

Not needing any further invitation, he spread Cas’s cheeks and grabbed a hold of the plug. He pulled the plug out and then back in several times, savoring the whine that came out of Cas, before finally pulling the plug out entirely. Dean stared at Cas’s hole and licked his lips as he dropped the plug down next to them.

Testing to see how open Cas was, he pushed a finger inside, dragging it over Cas’s rim and then pushing all the way in until his knuckles pressed against Cas’s ass and Cas let out a deep moan. Without pulling out his finger, he added a second finger inside Cas.

“You like dressing up pretty for me, baby?” Dean said as he dragged his finger against Cas’s prostate. Cas whimpered and started pushing his ass back to fuck himself on Dean’s fingers.

“Yes, yes, right there, please, yes…” Cas said through moans.

“My pretty boy,” Dean said, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of Cas’s head as he thrust a third finger inside Cas. “Do you have any idea how hot you look like this? Know how much I want to fuck that pretty little ass in those panties?”

“Deeeeannn,” Cas whined as he started rutting his cock against the bed and back against Dean’s fingers. “Make love to me, Dean, please.”

Dean pulled his fingers out of Cas’s ass and turned Cas around so that they were facing each other. Dean’s cock was already hard and leaking, just from prepping Castiel. He hadn’t even masturbated since going on vacation, and seeing Cas on the edge almost pushed him to his breaking point.

“Want to see you,” Dean said as he leaned down to press a kiss to Cas’s lips. He poured a generous amount of lube on his cock and then lined it up against Cas’s hole. He thrusted inside with a swift push, and Cas and Dean let out twin moans as Dean bottomed out. Dean waited a few seconds until Cas nodded, and then grabbed a hold of Cas’s hips as he pushed in and out.

“Not gonna last long, angel,” Dean said as he felt himself getting close to the edge.

Cas entwined his fingers with Dean’s with one hand, and guided Dean’s other hand from his hips over to his erection. Dean wrapped his hand around Cas’s cock and pumped it in time with his thrusts.

“Gonna come, Cas,” Dean said breathlessly.

“Look at me,” Cas ordered, and Dean realized he’d shut his eyes tight. He opened them and stared into Cas’s blue eyes as he felt himself coming inside Cas’s hole at the same time as Cas’s come spilled over his hand.

Dean slumped down until his face rested against Cas’s chest. “Best Christmas present ever.”

Cas laughed and ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. “If I’d known panties would get you going like that, I would have bought some long before now.”

“ _Loved_ the outfit, but it wasn’t _just_ the panties, it was _you_ ,” Dean said sleepily. “Fuck, Cas, if this is how you greet me, maybe I should leave more often.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Cas said with a growl. “Never leave again.”

Dean laughed, and traced his fingers down Cas’s stomach. He glanced up to wink suggestively at Cas and said, “Maybe next time I’ll wear the panties.”

Cas let out a groan. “If you hadn’t just fucked the life out of me, you saying that would have already pushed us into round two.”

“Later, baby,” Dean said, pressing a kiss to Cas’s chest. “We’ve got all night, and all day tomorrow.”

“That better be a promise,” Cas replied with a happy, dazed grin.

“I wore panties once,” Dean told him after a couple minutes. “Rhonda Hurley. High school. She made me try on her panties. They were pink. And kinda satiny. And you know what?”

“What?” Cas asked.

“I kinda liked it,” Dean confessed, winking at him.

“Fuck,” Cas said. “ _Definitely_ buying you panties.”

Dean smiled at Cas and felt an overwhelming sense of contentment. He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rhonda Hurley/panties conversation taken from 5.04 The End. (http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/Rhonda_Hurley)


	16. Chapter 16 (December 31, 2019)

#  **Chapter Sixteen**

_(Cas)_

Early on the morning of New Year’s Eve, Cas woke up to Dean pressing a kiss to his lips and gently caressing his face. 

“Wake up, honey,” Dean said quietly.

Cas sniffed at the air as he noticed the distinctive sweet and buttery smell of pancakes. Cas fluttered his eyes open and took in the sight of Dean holding a tray of breakfast foods. Cas smiled and sluggishly sat up against the headboard.

“You made me breakfast in bed?” He asked. 

“’Course I did, babe,” Dean said with a smile as he placed the tray carefully on Cas’s lap before sitting down next to him.

Cas looked down at the plate full of pancakes, all of which had icing piped on them to make them look like a clock, but each clock was different. One had a square with the time ’12:00’ written on it in a font reminiscent of the blocky numbers you’d find on a pixelated digital clock. The other two both had classic analog clocks with the hands pointing towards the 12, but one had roman numerals and the other had regular Arabic numerals. There was also a bowl full of cut up strawberries, a maple syrup jug, and a glass of orange juice.

As Cas poured syrup on his pancakes, he looked over and smiled at Dean. “This is adorable, Dean.”

Dean’s face flushed. “Mostly I’m surprised it was that easy to wake you up.”

Cas shrugged. “I smelled pancakes.”

“Ah, so it wasn’t your desire to spend New Year’s together,” Dean joked.

Cas nodded. “Not at all. Do you want a pancake?”

Dean shook his head. “I already ate some when I was in the kitchen.”

Cas nodded and carefully poured maple syrup over the pancakes. He could feel Dean watching him as he chowed down on the pancakes, and see his obvious interest every time he made noises of approval.

“Do you have any leftover icing?” Cas asked when he was finished, which caused Dean’s eyebrows to shoot up.

“Um… Yes,” Dean said. 

Cas nodded. “Right, we’re going to need that.”

“Yeah, uh...yeah, I…”

“Get the icing, Dean,” Cas ordered, and savored the view as Dean shot up and practically ran out of the room with the empty breakfast tray. 

One very sticky and delicious set of blowjobs later, followed by some particularly vigorous shower sex, and they finally got around to exchanging the presents they got for each other. 

Dean opened up the first present, finding a hand-knitted green sweater.

“You made this for me?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded.

Dean pulled off the t-shirt he was wearing and pulled the sweater over his head. He looked kind of ridiculous wearing a sweater with boxers, but Cas couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm. Dean leaned over to press a kiss to Cas’s lips and said, “I love it. Thank you.”

“And I was right, that yarn does bring out your eyes,” Cas replied.

“So it’s really for you then,” Dean said with a wink. 

“Maybe.”

“Here, I made this for you,” Dean said, handing over a small package to Cas. “It’s not exactly as time consuming as a sweater, but…”

Cas opened the package and found a cassette tape labeled “Castiel’s Mixtape.”

“A cassette tape?”

Dean shrugged. “It’s a mix of songs I think you’d like. So you can have some music in the Impala.”

“I thought the rule was driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole?”

“Yeah, well, maybe rules can be changed,” Dean said with a blush. “Or maybe you can drive the Impala someday.”

Cas raised an eyebrow. “You’d let me drive the Impala?”

“Yeah, I mean, if you wanted to…” 

“Dean, you just drove to South Dakota and back, and refused to let Sam drive the entire time, because nobody drives the Impala but you,” Cas said.

Dean shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe I trust you with Baby more than I trust Sam.”

Cas carefully set down the mixtape and kissed Dean passionately.

“That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me, Dean,” Cas said as he pulled away.

“More romantic than I love you always and forever?” 

Cas nodded. “I know how much your car means to you.”

“Okay, okay, next gift please,” Dean said and he was promptly handed the next package.

He opened it up to find a framed picture with a circle filled with a star chart. Under it, there was a caption that said “Our Love Was Born” with the names “Dean & Castiel” underneath, and “Palo Alto, California” and “May 31, 2019” printed at the bottom.

Dean furrowed his brow. “Is this…?”

“It’s what the sky looked like the day we met,” Cas explained.

Dean’s eyes shot up to Cas’s. “And you called a fucking _mixtape_ romantic. Cas, this is...Fuck, I love you. This is beautiful.”

“I love you too, Dean,” Cas said, taking hold of Dean’s hand and squeezing.

“You really beat me at the present game, but here’s my present for you,” Dean said, handing over another present.

“It’s not a competition, love,” Cas said as he took off the smaller package that was taped to the larger package. He raised an eyebrow when he unwrapped it to find a set of post-its.

Dean gestured for him to open the next package, which contained a book called _The New InterCourses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook_. 

“I know you like it when I cook for you—”

“I _love_ it when you cook for me,” Cas corrected.

“Right, so I thought you could, um, go through that book and mark the recipes you want me to make for you,” Dean explained.

Cas smiled and shook his head. “And you think this wasn’t romantic.”

“I think it wasn’t _as_ romantic as a fucking personalized star chart,” Dean said.

“I disagree,” Cas said, pulling Dean on top of him. “Do you want your last present?”

Dean nodded, and his eyes darkened visibly once he opened the gift bag to find apple pie flavored lubricant.

“Fuck, you do love me,” Dean said.

Cas laughed and pecked Dean on the lips. “You just figuring that out?”

“I have one more gift for you too,” Dean said. “I was gonna give it to you later, closer to midnight, but uh… You mind if I get it?”

Cas nodded and loosened his hold on Dean so he could get away. When Dean came back, he offered him a messily wrapped odd-shaped package that Cas unwrapped to find a black canister that said Lelo with a silver lid with a red circle on top of it. 

“It’s a massage candle,” Dean explained. “It um, it melts into massage oil. It’s black pepper and pomegranate flavored.”

Cas opened the candle and sniffed, letting out a short noise of approval.

“Thank you, Dean, I love it,” he said.

“You, um, you want to try it out?” Dean asked shyly.

“If you’re asking me if I want the hottest man in the world to massage me, the answer is yes,” Cas said.

Dean’s face lit up. “Good, ‘cause I really wanna get my hands on that body.”

Cas laughed. “You say that like we haven’t already had sex twice today.”

“Third time’s the charm, baby,” Dean said, picking up the candle and the apple pie lube and heading to the bedroom.

Cas followed him and quickly removed his clothing. Dean removed his sweater and carefully placed it on their dresser, but kept his boxers on. He removed the normal sheet from the bed and replaced it with a bright red satin sheet that he’d hidden under the bed.

“Lie down on the bed, face down, angel,” Dean instructed, and Cas quickly complied. He heard Dean light the candle, and soon he began to smell a delicious scent wafting through the room.

A minute later, Dean’s hands were finally on his shoulders, warm with newly melted massage oil. Dean kneaded his hands into Cas’s flesh.

“Relax, angel,” Dean said as he pressed his knuckles down both sides of Cas’s spine, causing Cas to let out a deep groan.

Every stroke up and down his back felt incredible, and Cas felt his tension begin to ease away.

“Damn, baby, these knots are tight,” Dean said as he kept working on Cas’s muscles. “Should give you massages more often.”

Cas let out a noise of approval, which made Dean laugh. Dean’s fingers continued working on Cas’s back, sometimes gently rubbing, and sometimes kneading with hard pressure. 

Cas felt himself start to harden, and he said, “God, Dean, your hands…”

He felt Dean’s hands begin to wander lower, until they began massaging his ass.

“You want a happy ending, baby?” Dean asked.

“Don’t ask stupid questions, Dean,” Cas answered, which made Dean give his ass a firm squeeze. Dean pulled off his boxers, and climbed on the bed, hovering over Cas until his erection hit Cas’s ass. 

Cas gasped. “You’re hard already?”

“With all those sounds you were making? Fuck, Cas, ‘course I’m hard,” Dean replied. “You think you’re open enough from last night and this morning to let me just slide in? No prep?”

Cas moaned. “You gonna use the apple pie lube?”

“Nope, regular lube,” Dean said, as he pressed a kiss to Cas’s shoulders. “Leaving that baby for midnight.”

“So you think you’re gonna get a fourth round out of me today?” Cas asked.

Dean laughed. “Oh, I know I am, baby. We’re sending this decade out in a _bang._ ”

“An orgasm at midnight does sound better than merely a kiss,” Cas said. “I’m fucking you, though. My ass is gonna need a break.”

“No objections here,” Dean said as he lubed up his cock. Dean’s cock pushed at Cas’s hole, and he slid in easily. Cas made a throaty sound as he felt Dean’s cock stretch and fill him.

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean said as Cas’s hole tightened around him. Dean moved, rolling his hips forward and back. After a few minutes, the feeling of Dean rubbing against his prostate and the rub of his cock against the satin sheet brought Cas to the edge. Sheer pleasure built up in him as Dean moved slowly and gently inside his body until he felt his body tense up and his cock spill onto the sheets.

“So good for me,” Dean said as he kept fucking into Cas’s hole for another minute until he also found his release. Cas made a slight whine as Dean pulled out and laid down next to him, but then he rolled over to look at Dean and smiled at the lazy, sated look on Dean’s face.

“You’re amazing,” Cas said, leaning over to grab the wet wipes from the nightstand. He cleaned them both up while Dean stayed boneless next to him, half asleep. Once they were both relatively clean, Cas cuddled himself against Dean, avoiding the wet spot on their sheets, and joined him for a nap.


	17. Chapter 17 (December 31, 2019 - January 1, 2020)

#  **Chapter Seventeen**

_(Dean)_

They had angled the clock to be easily visible from the bed, and Dean prided himself on holding out until the clock turned to midnight. He was bouncing up and down on Cas’s cock, and Cas would squeeze his leg whenever he felt himself getting too close to coming so that he could slow down. They’d both gotten so close to the edge so many times that Dean felt himself going a little crazy with a desperate need to come.

As soon as he saw the blessed 12:00, he darkly whispered “come for me, baby” and almost immediately felt the come shoot out of Cas’s cock inside of him. He continued fucking down on Cas’s cock, getting it to hit _just_ the right spot, until he came untouched. They could hear the fireworks going off outside, and it felt to Dean like they were going off in celebration of their orgasms.

He collapsed on top of Cas until Cas complained he was too heavy and made him roll to his side. He felt completely exhausted and sated, but still leaned in to kiss Cas, savoring the taste of apple pie lube and precome that was still lingering in both of their mouths.

“Happy New Year, my love,” Cas said, his voice wrecked.

“Happy New Year, baby,” Dean said, leaning in to give him another kiss.

They stayed curled up together, ignoring the rest of the world, until Dean’s phone vibrated. Reluctantly, he checked it, and smiled as he saw the text from Sam.

**Sam (12:11 AM): She said yes!!!**

Attached to the text was a picture of Sam and Jess kissing, with Jess’s left hand raised in front of them with a simple engagement ring featuring a princess cut diamond on her ring finger. Dean showed the picture to Cas, who kissed his shoulder and told Dean to send his congratulations.

**Dean (12:11 AM): congrats i knew she would!! tell jess welcome to the family from me**

**Dean (12:12 AM): cas says congrats too**

With a grin and a wink at Cas, Dean sat up and took a picture of the apple pie lube. He texted the picture to Sam, along with a text that said,

**Dean (12:13 AM): new years is going really fucking well here too**

**Sam (12:14 AM): Gross, Dean.**

Cas rolled his eyes and removed the phone from Dean’s hand.

“Stop torturing your brother, Dean,” Cas said as he sent another text to Sam.

**Dean (12:15 AM): This is Cas. I apologize for your brother. We’re really very happy for you guys. Happy New Year.**

**Sam (12:15 AM): Thanks, Cas. Happy New Year to you guys too!**

“Is it ingrained in older brothers that they have to do everything they possibly can to permanently traumatize their younger brothers?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded. “It’s part of the code.”

“Well, let me know if you want me to wear the underwear with Gabe’s face printed all over them,” Cas said with a sigh.

Dean laughed. “Wait, _what?_ And also, please, God, no.”

“He seemed to think they were an appropriate Christmas gift,” Cas said with a shrug. “He told me they’d turn you on.”

“Maybe if he got underwear with _your_ face on them,” Dean said with a wink. “Actually, I kind of want those. Have your face on my cock at all times.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Maybe, but you love me,” Dean said.

“Regrettably, yes,” Cas said before giving Dean a brief peck on the lips. “I got you something else.”

“ _Something else?_ ” Dean questioned incredulously.

Cas gave Dean a kiss and said, “Just a card.”

“I didn’t write you shit,” Dean said as Cas got the envelope out of his nightstand and passed it over to Dean. The envelope had the words “Open After Midnight” written on it in cursive.

Dean opened the envelope and removed the two pages from inside. 

“This isn’t just a card, baby,” he said as he started reading.

_Dearest Dean,_

_This year has been one of the most interesting years of my life. Before now, my life so far tended to always be one way: lackluster and dark. And this year started the same way every other year in my life started. I had no real drive or motivation outside of my research. That’s not to say I was directionless; I wasn’t. I had interests, I had ideals. I knew what I wanted to do and why I wanted to do it. But as everything else around me seemed to crumble, I struggled to care or believe that my work would serve any purpose._

_This was especially true since 2016, when I realized that the world would continue to ignore the overwhelming scientific evidence that our world is in crisis. Worse than that, that neglect would be spearheaded by my father. Unlike Gabriel and Anna, I never even had the courage to try to stop him. This spiraled me into a pretty deep depression. I still did my research out of a sense of duty, but I had no hope, and I certainly had no happiness. I was fairly certain that that was just what life was, that nobody was ever truly happy or enthusiastic about anything._

_I could fake it; I was faking it. In my mind, everyone else must be to some extent, too. It’s human nature to have doubts, right? Gabriel and Anna often ask me why I stay silent. I give them the easy excuse, which I generally believe is somewhat true. I told them it’s not my place as a scientist to advocate for politics, but I’ve always known it’s not that simple. There’s no reason why scientists can’t have personal opinions, as long as they don’t allow them to bias their work. The truth was I wanted to avoid conflict and consequences._

_But I see now that I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Watching Anna and Gabriel should have proven that to me years ago. Where I was, if not content, willing to simply go along without a fight, they fought tooth and nail. Why else would they do that if they didn’t actually have the elusive human quality of giving a shit?_

_But now, Dean, I understand. I’ve always had doubts and misgivings about my father’s political career, but I am no longer able to ignore it in order to keep the peace. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. I don’t know what the right course of action is. But I find myself finally wanting to figure it out. And there is one reason for this change in attitude: you._

_I say the year started out the way it normally did, dull and meaningless, but it is ending in a completely opposite fashion. My life changed when you walked into it. You call me Sunshine sometimes, but you’ve always been_ _my_ _sunshine. It’s like I was walking around in a dark cloud, but I didn’t even realize I was in a dark cloud until you came through and shined a beam of light through the cloud. I’m not saying the cloud isn’t still there, because it is, but the light continues to take more and more of it away every day._

 _You’ve made me question because you’ve given me the one thing I was always lacking: passion, drive, love. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t met you, or where I would have ended up, but I doubt I’d have ended up as a person I could admire. I don’t_ _like who I was before, but I’m finally slowly learning to like the man I am now, the man I am with you. And in seeing your humanity, I’m starting to see hope for the future again, too._

_This year wasn’t perfect, our relationship isn’t perfect, but I am willing to work on it. I am willing to do whatever I have to in order to make myself better, to make us better. I don’t know where my life is heading. I don’t know when I’ll be able to stand up to my father or fight any level of injustice I see in the world. But what I do know is that, for the first time, I want to fight to make things better. You’ve brought me that and I will never be able to thank you enough._

_So, to bring in the New Year and to celebrate the fact that I am finally truly happy to be part of this New Year, here is what I propose. I hear resolutions are customary for the holiday, but this is my first time actually making them. This is the first year I have any reason to consider what I want for the following year._

  1. _I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you when I’m hurting and when I’m happy. I want to share my life with you, completely._
  2. _If (when) we have a fight, I don’t want us to go to sleep angry at each other. I want to talk things out with you._
  3. _I want to try to speak more publicly about things that are important to me. I never asked to have a platform, but I have one. I should use it to make the change I want to see in the world._
  4. _I want to come out publicly, and introduce my gorgeous boyfriend to the world. I will leave the timing of that decision up to you, but I am no longer scared. Before the election, after the election, tomorrow, or several years from now, I want the world to know the man I love._
  5. _I want to make sure you always know that you are truly, completely, irrevocably loved._



_There are many things I hope for in this New Year, but there is only one thing that I know I can’t live without, and that’s you._

_Yours, always,_

_Cas_

By the time he’d finished reading the letter, tears had begun streaming down Dean’s face, and he used his arm to wipe them away.

“So… What do you think?” Cas asked, avoiding eye contact.

“What do I _think?_ ” Dean asked incredulously. “I think I love you, you romantic fucking bastard.”

“I mean, about being more public. It could draw attention to me, which could draw attention to us,” Cas said.

“I don’t care, Cas,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I think we should try to wait to officially come out after the election to avoid the election-level coverage, but that’s more for Ben’s sake than mine. If it somehow comes out before then... I want the world to know you’re mine. I’m so, so proud of you.”

Cas stroked his fingers across Dean’s cheek, and leaned in to kiss him properly.

“So, how were you thinking you’d be more public? Gonna go on Anna’s show?” Dean asked.

Cas shook his head. “I’m not sure yet, and no. I don’t like public speaking, even if it’s in podcast form. I think I’ll write an article. Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. I didn’t really… I just decided I wanted to do this over the holidays, so I haven’t really given much thought to _how_ yet.”

“You’re good at writing,” Dean said, pressing a kiss to Cas’s cheek.

“Oh yeah, and what have you read of mine?” Cas asked.

“Just read this novel length letter you wrote me,” Dean said, gesturing to the letter. “And I may have possibly used Sam’s library account to read all your scientific articles.”

“You read my journal articles?” Cas asked with a soft voice.

“Uh, yeah,” Dean said. “Couldn’t understand about half of ‘em, but the writing was good.”

“Those aren’t really… fun reading,” Cas said, a smile gracing his lips.

“But they’re important to you,” Dean said.

“Why didn’t you tell me you read them?” Cas asked.

“Didn’t wanna sound like an idiot,” Dean said with a shrug.

“Dean…” Cas said with a sigh. “You’re not an idiot. They’re written to expand the scientific field, to be read by other students, scientists, professors, and researchers. They’re written for highly specialized journals, where the average reader is assumed to know things the general public wouldn’t. _Most_ people couldn’t understand them, at least not without doing other background research.”

“Oh,” Dean said.

“I’m touched that you read them, though,” Cas said.

“The parts I could understand were interesting. Mostly terrifying, but also interesting,” Dean said.

Cas laughed. “Welcome to my life, Dean.”

“I should say it more, but I’m so proud of you,” Dean said, pulling Cas closer and draping Cas’s arm around him. Cas took the hint and spooned up closer to Dean, kissing his neck.

“I’m proud of you too, Dean,” Cas said. “You’re so brave. I was so worried about asking what you thought of me being more public. It’s taken me years to even think about the possibility of speaking out, and you’re just okay with it in an instant.”

“It’s not me going public, man,” Dean said.

“But it _might_ be, Dean. You have to know that it might be,” Cas replied.

“I know,” Dean replied. “And I’ve been gearing myself up for that eventuality for months, Cas. I’ve always known there’s a chance something could leak. At first, I was in denial about it, but Cas, we’ve already taken so many risks, broken so many of your rules. And I’m… maybe not so oblivious to the world anymore, now that you’re in my life. I can see the intensity about everything related to your family. I see the way people watch you and treat you.”

“I’m serious, Dean, if you want me to keep laying low…”

“Cas, no,” Dean said brusquely. “For one thing, I know you wrote it in a letter because you were worried about my reaction, but that also shows me how much this means to you. And your letter never asked my permission, so don’t start asking my permission now. This is your _life_ , baby. If you make this decision, it’s going to change everything for you, and you _can’t_ make that decision worrying about me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to make sure I have your approval,” Cas said.

“Okay then, I’m telling you now that I will not be mad at you if this brings more attention, which eventually outs us. I might get frustrated at times, but I will not blame you, because this is much, much bigger and more important than me,” Dean said.

“Nothing is more important to me than you, Dean,” Cas said.

Dean shook his head. “This isn’t about me. I’m going to be here either way, okay?”

“Okay, sweetheart,” Cas said calmly.

“And for another thing, Cas,” Dean said, pausing to take a breath. “I spent most of my life going along with my father, even when I knew he was wrong. I still struggle to fight back when he’s being an abusive dickwad. I know how hard it is to make that choice to break free, and I don’t have to do it in front of the whole world.”

“Hm, I guess the thing is that I feel like I already have broken free. I haven’t talked to either of my parents since 2015. I haven’t talked to either Michael or Luke since 2016,” Cas said. 

“But not publicly, baby,” Dean said. “Sure, everyone already lumps you with the other two ‘Fallen Shurleys’ or whatever and assumes what you think, but you’ve never spoken out with anything other than your research. It’s a big step.”

“I know,” Cas said. “Anna and Gabe are gonna flip when I tell them.”

“You haven’t talked to them about it?”

Cas shook his head. “Wanted your thoughts first. I didn’t want to get their hopes up if you were seriously against it.”

“I love you, Cas,” Dean said softly. “Show the world what a badass you are.”

Cas squeezed around Dean’s middle. “Nobody thinks I’m a badass, sweetheart.”

“I do,” Dean said.

Cas laughed. “What, with my knitting, and canning, and environmental research?”

“Hey, I’ve seen how feisty you can get when I throw something in the trash that should go in the compost or recycling,” Dean said. “Or when I forget to replace the toilet paper.”

“Ooh, I do hate that,” Cas said. “Seriously, Dean. It takes two seconds.”

“Yeah, well, at least I know how to load a freaking dishwasher,” Dean said.

“I think I load it just fine,” Cas said.

Dean let out a strangled laugh. “Cas, you put bowls _face up._ You keep putting glasses and small bowls on the bottom rack, even when there are still pots that need to be washed. You leave stickers on jars. You overfill it to a ridiculous point. I’ve honestly never seen someone fail so badly at such a simple task.”

“Yeah, well, you…”

“You’re failing to think of another pet peeve, aren’t you?” Dean asked jokingly.

“No, my pet peeve is that you’re always a big rude jerk,” Cas said.

Dean laughed and rolled over in bed to face Cas. “Cas, when I say you’re a badass, I mean on the real things. Who cares that you make jam or wear ridiculous sweaters? Your father is probably the most famous climate denier in the world, and you’ve never let that scare you away from your job. Your father isn’t exactly supportive of LGBT rights, and yet you’re here with me. You were scared of taking care of children, but you stepped up for Ben. That’s how I know you can handle this.”

“You make me feel like I can handle anything,” Cas said, leaning in to kiss Dean.

“You can, baby,” Dean said. “And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Cas said, interlacing their fingers together and snuggling closer.

It wasn’t long before they both drifted off to sleep, ending the best New Year’s Eve either of them had ever had.


	18. Chapter 18 (January 1 - February 11, 2020)

#  **Chapter Eighteen**

_(Cas)_

The next couple weeks passed slowly and uneventfully for the most part. Cas spent a lot of his time thinking about how he wanted to start to break out into the public. The media had dubbed him “the silent son,” but he was about to break that title.

The one time he’d said _anything_ even remotely against his father’s presidency, even though it had been a generalized “we need to do more,” he’d ended up fielding reporter requests for _weeks._ His father had embarrassed him publicly, and his brother Luke sent a lawyer from his firm to threaten him in a way that Cas was fairly certain wasn’t legal. Speaking out hadn’t seemed worth it, and it hadn’t changed anyone’s opinion.

Still, he was about ready to go into the fray in a much more public way than he’d ever done before. He spent a lot of time bouncing ideas off Anna, who practically vibrated with excitement every time he talked about it.

Dean was his favorite sounding board, though, because he never held back how he really felt about any of his ideas.

“I was thinking about going more general, instead of personal, for the first one,” Cas said one evening after Dean handed him a plate of spaghetti.

“Hmm?”

“I mean, for my article,” Cas clarified. “I was thinking about writing about The Refugee Act of 1980.”

“Okay…”

“You think it’s dumb,” Cas said with a sigh.

“Cas, you need to give me more details,” Dean said. “But also try to remember that you want to write something the average person is gonna want to _read_.”

Cas nodded. “More specifically, I was thinking of writing a joint article with Anna… I was going to write the first half about how climate change is going to cause a massive refugee crisis, and in fact, already is. Then I was going to work with Anna to write about how our refugee laws are outdated and based on WWII and Cold War-era standards. The Refugee Act of 1980 made it so that refugees could only be accepted into the United States if they have a well-founded fear of persecution which makes them unable or unwilling to return to their home country. This means that no people fleeing climate disasters can qualify as a refugee. Then Anna could help me write a section talking about how the remaining pathways for immigration for climate migrants are wildly insufficient.”

“Hmm, it sounds like a good idea to me,” Dean said.

“You don’t think it’s too… unexciting for the masses?”

“Babe, this is linking your life’s research to policy. It makes sense you’d want to start by writing about climate refugees,” Dean said.

Cas smiled. “Okay. Depending on the reaction from the first piece, I think I’ll write the second one about all the ways my father’s administration is further restricting people’s pathways to immigration. Because it always pisses me off how they say they “only have a problem with _illegal_ immigration” and then simultaneously try to cut off every pathway for _legal_ immigration.”

“Sounds good, sweetheart,” Dean said, squeezing Cas’s thigh.

With Dean’s blessing and Anna’s excited acceptance of his proposal, he got to work writing the piece. Their first draft was twenty-four pages long, and Anna and Brian Beutler, their editor, made him make some serious edits until it was a more reasonable length.

He spent most of his free time when he wasn’t working on his dissertation research working on the article, wanting to make sure it was perfect before they launched it. He only took one major day off working on it to celebrate Dean and Jess’s shared birthday.

Dean had asked for a low-key birthday, so they spent it inside the apartment, playing board games, watching The Mandalorian, and eating pizza with Sam and Jess. Cas went out of his comfort zone and baked Dean a pie, which did not turn out nearly as well as any of Dean’s pies, but his efforts still earned him enthusiastic thanks from his boyfriend. 

Three days after Dean’s birthday, the story launched on Crooked Media’s website. The response was immediate, with both MSNBC and CNN’s primetime shows highlighting the article with chyrons like _The Silent Son Speaks_ and _Castiel Shurley Speaks Out… About Climate Migrants._ The reaction was split between people who felt that it was a sign that Castiel had finally cemented himself as one of the Fallen Shurley siblings, and others who pointed out that the work wasn’t directly pointed solely at the Shurley administration.

The White House press office put out a statement reiterating that families have different opinions, and that they listen to the government’s experts on climate change instead of their son’s opinions.

In response, Cas made his first Twitter account. His first tweet was, “It would be lovely if the White House did, in fact, listen to the government scientists as they claim to do. Unfortunately, the reality is that climate reports are buried and warnings from our own government are ignored.” It received 129K likes and 28.6K retweets in a single day.

For the first time in three years, he got a phone call from Luke. He ignored it, and subsequently received a cease and desist letter from Luke’s law firm. Anna confirmed for him that the letter was legalistic bullshit, so he ignored the letter, too.

He started fielding incessant calls from reporters, and he soon got tired of refusing to comment or telling them to watch his Twitter account. He couldn’t pass a newspaper or a television without seeing news about the election, which now frequently included news about him.

Dean seemed to always know when it was getting to him, and he’d find ways to distract him. This was usually done through touch at home, but even in public, he’d bring up something ridiculous to distract Castiel. Cas had no idea what he’d do without him; Dean was the only thing keeping him sane.

Still, even though the attention was starting to drive him crazy, two weeks after his first article, he put out the second one. This one much more directly called out the President and his administration’s cruel policies. The reaction to this piece was even larger, and stories about the Shurley Civil War began to be brought up again. Suddenly, the hell that was 2016 had turned into the hell of 2020, but this time he was a soldier instead of a bystander.

One night in February, they were out at a bar for trivia night. Their team was pretty good: Dean and Jess had a very good pop culture knowledge, and Sam and Cas both knew a lot of random history and trivia.

Their team was slightly ahead when Dean suddenly got a text and frowned down at his phone.

“Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this,” Dean said, as he got up and went outside.

It was bad timing, because the next question was about cars, and they definitely did not know the answer without Dean. Their score started slipping without Dean, and they were soon dropped down to second place. 

When Dean still wasn’t back after ten minutes, Cas said, “I’m gonna go check on him.”

He walked out to the parking lot to find Dean, and found him leaning against his car and hyperventilating. Seeing that Dean was in distress, he rushed over and grabbed Dean’s hand.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Cas asked.

“My dad,” Dean got out through sobs.

“What happened, Dean?”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. “He uh… he died. Ran his car into a tree. Flew through the windshield. No seatbelt.” Dean’s voice started to quiver as he added, “He was drunk, of course.”

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean tightly and pressed a kiss to his lips. Dean leaned into the kiss before pulling away to say, “It’s my fault.”

“Baby, it’s not your fault,” Cas said soothingly. 

Dean shook his head. “I _knew._ I saw how bad he looked last time. I didn’t even try to get him help.”

“It’s not your job to force help on someone who doesn’t want to help themselves,” Cas said.

Dean shook his head and tears streamed out the corner of his eyes. “I need to tell Sam. Can you just… can you get Sam?”

Cas nodded, and leaned in to press one last kiss to Dean’s lips. “I’ll go get Sam.”

As he left, he realized he’d just kissed Dean in public for the first time. He glanced around the parking lot, and was pleased to see nobody other than his agents.

Cas went inside and went back to the table where Sam and Jess were laughing and throwing popcorn at each other.

“Hey, uh, Sam…” Cas said.

“What’s up? What’s wrong? Is Dean okay?” Sam questioned, suddenly turning serious.

“Yeah, he just, uh… He needs to speak to you outside,” Cas said. “I think… probably alone.”

Sam nodded and left the table. Cas stayed back with Jess, who looked concerned.

“It’s John,” Cas explained. “Their Dad got into a drunk driving accident. He didn’t make it.”

Jess’s face scrunched up in anger. “Of course he did. Fuck. Is Dean okay?”

Cas shrugged, and Jess sighed. 

“Well, I wish I could say I was surprised that John’s last act in life was an extremely selfish one,” Jess said. 

“Yeah, I just hope Sam and Dean both recognize there’s nothing they could have done to save him,” Cas said with a frown. 

“Good luck with that,” Jess said, rolling her eyes. “Dean’s always had a guilt complex.”

Cas sighed. “I know.”

Jess squeezed his shoulder. “I’m glad he has you. Don’t know that he could get through this without you.”

“Thanks,” Cas said with a shy smile. He and Jess paid their bar tab and walked outside, watching from a distance as Sam hugged Dean, who seemed mostly limp. It was a very abrupt end to what had been a pleasant night out.


	19. Chapter 19 (February 11 - 12, 2020)

#  **Chapter Nineteen**

_(Cas)_

Cas had stayed up until nearly four AM, holding Dean as he cried. So when his phone went off just after seven AM, he was ready to murder whoever was calling. Dean turned over and grumbled as Cas rejected the phone call. Wanting to make sure Dean stayed asleep, Cas grabbed the phone and went into the other room.

He called the offending caller back, who happened to be Anna.

“Cas?” 

“You’d better have a really fucking good reason for—” 

“Turn on the television,” Anna interrupted.

Cas squinted, but went to the television and turned it on, using the remote to flip it to MSNBC. There, on the screen, breaking news: _Castiel Shurley Seen Kissing Unknown Man._ There was a grainy picture of Dean and Cas kissing against the Impala from the night before.

“Fuck,” Cas said. “ _Fuck fuck fuck.”_

“I thought you and Dean had talked about the possibility of coming out,” Anna said.

“We did, but… Fuck. Not like this,” Cas said as his free hand raked through his hair. 

“Shouldn’t have kissed in public then, kiddo,” Anna replied.

“Anna…” Cas squeezed his eyes shut. “Anna, he’d just gotten a call that his father had died. I was comforting him. It was _instinct._ I didn’t think. I couldn’t think. Fuck, this is the last thing he needs right now.”

“Shit…”

“Look, I gotta go,” Cas said with a sigh. “Thanks for letting me know, I guess.”

“Love you, Cas,” Anna said. “Let me know if you want any help dealing with the media fallout.”

Cas really didn’t want to deal with it, but…she was probably his best resource for knowing what to do here. “Thanks, Anna. I’ll probably take you up on that.”

Unable to go back to sleep but unwilling to wake Dean up, Cas settled into the couch and pulled up Twitter. He scrolled through the reactions that were beginning to pour in. They ranged from horrifically homophobic to supportive to downright lusty. Even grainy pictures of Dean Winchester made it obvious how absurdly attractive he was.

About a half an hour after Anna called, he got another call from an unlisted number. He considered ignoring it, figuring it was probably a reporter, but answered against his better judgment. He soon realized he’d made the wrong choice when Michael was on the other side of the phone.

“We’re going to need to do damage control,” Michael said as soon as Cas answered.

“Damage control? We?” 

“Yes, Castiel. Don’t be an idiot. You don’t want to get your lover involved in all this, do you?”

“I really don’t want to think about what your idea of damage control is,” Cas said with a groan.

“Just say he kissed you and you were too startled to react quickly,” Michael said. “Or that he was drunk.”

“So your advice for me is to blame my boyfriend for me kissing him?”

“My advice for you is to not have a boyfriend,” Michael said. “And believe me, you _really_ don’t want to have a boyfriend.”

“Believe me, Michael, I really don’t care what you think, so fuck off with your veiled threats,” Cas said before hanging up his phone.

“Cas?” Dean said as he came out of the bedroom, rubbing his arm over his eyes. “I heard you yelling. What’s goi— oh.” Dean stopped talking upon noticing the pictures on the television screen. “I really don’t fucking need this right now.”

“I know, sweetheart, I’m _so sorry,_ ” Cas said, getting up to move closer to Dean.

“Cas, I love you, but don’t,” Dean replied. “I’m going for a drive.”

Cas bit his lip. “There are probably reporters outside.”

“Whatever,” Dean said, grabbing his keys, along with a baseball hat and sunglasses.

Cas watched helplessly as Dean left the apartment. Shortly afterwards, he saw footage of Dean exiting the building and leaving in his Impala. Even with a hat and sunglasses, they’d recognized him. The people on the television were speculating about what it meant that Dean left the building, and Cas angrily turned off the television.

Wanting to make sure Dean had some support, even if it couldn’t be from him, he called Sam, who promised to try to make sure Dean was okay. Sam told him it wasn’t his fault, but Cas knew it was. After getting off the phone with Sam, he set his phone to only receive calls from people in his contact list to try to avoid the barrage of reporter requests.

Within an hour, Dean’s identity was known, and reporters were digging into his background. Now that he’d been outed completely, Cas saw little reason in remaining silent anymore.

He took to his twitter account and made a simple tweet: “His name is Dean. I love him very much. Please respect our privacy. <3” 

While he was obsessively checking Twitter, he heard a knock at his door. He considered ignoring it for a minute, but eventually went to answer it, only to find Inias waiting at the door.

“Can I come in?” Inias asked, and Cas stepped aside to let him in.

Once the door was closed, Inias said, “It was Uriel.”

“Uriel? Are you sure?” Cas asked.

Inias nodded. “I saw his camera app last night. I asked about it, but he said he was just zooming in to make sure you guys were okay. It didn’t make sense. It was obvious that Dean wasn’t okay, so I didn’t know how a camera zoom would make anything more clear.”

“And you just… did nothing about it?”

“I didn’t think he was going to give it to the _press,_ ” Inias said. “I wasn’t even sure if he’d actually taken a picture until this morning.”

“But you still didn’t think to warn me?” Cas asked.

Inias frowned. “I should have.”

“Yes, you really should have,” Cas said with a sigh. “Why now, though? This isn’t the first time I’ve kissed Dean in front of you guys. There were times in daylight and brightly lit rooms, where he could have gotten much nicer pictures.”

Inias shrugged. “If I had to guess… He’s loyal to the president. He didn’t mind when you were being mostly silent, but…”

“But I’ve been speaking out,” Cas finished.

“Yeah,” Inias confirmed.

“So this was payback,” Cas said. “Do you know if he did this on his own or on someone else’s order?”

Inias shook his head. “I don’t know anything other than what I saw. I just know he’s been...distressed at your decisions lately.”

Cas nodded. “Well, thanks for letting me know. You can let yourself out.”

“I’m really sorry, Cas,” Inias said, but Cas wasn’t in the mood for forgiveness, and simply nodded.

After Inias left, Cas thought back to the past few weeks. He had noticed Uriel being more curt and cold, but he hadn’t really thought much about it. He’d always had a closer relationship with Inias, who would joke around with him and treat him like a normal person when he wasn’t actively doing his job. Uriel had always been more distant, so it hadn’t seemed too out of place. He felt _so stupid_. 

The only thing he really needed was to talk to Dean and make sure he was okay. Cas was trying to give Dean space, but when he hadn’t heard anything from Dean in three hours, he tried texting him to ask if he was okay. When he hadn’t heard from him for another couple of hours, he sent another text with a single heart. Every minute that Dean didn’t respond felt like an eternity.

Several hours later, he finally got a single text message back from Dean.

 **Dean (6:12 PM):** staying at sam’s tonight. i love you.

Cas felt simultaneous relief at finally hearing back from Dean and pain from Dean choosing to sleep somewhere else. He knew that this was overwhelming, and that he was already grieving before this happened, but Cas still felt like Dean avoiding him was a sign that he was going to leave him. That was something that Cas _couldn’t_ let happen.

 **Castiel (6:13 PM):** I love you too, Dean. Always and forever.

Dean didn’t respond, and Cas went to get something to drink.


	20. Chapter 20 (February 12, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty**

_(Dean)_

Dean exited the apartment complex and was immediately met with what felt like hundreds of flashes of light. Cas hadn’t been wrong about the place being surrounded by reporters, and he rushed to his car to avoid their questions.

_“How do you know Castiel?”_

_“Are you and Castiel dating?”_

_“Was it a one night stand? Did you know he was the president’s son?”_

_“How long have you and Castiel been seeing each other?”_

_“Was the photograph last night staged?”_

The last question almost made him pause. Who on Earth would stage a blurry photograph in a parking lot? Without stopping, he rushed to his car, and then sped out of the lot, hoping that nobody would follow him.

He started driving without having any end location in mind. It wasn’t long before his phone started blowing up with texts and calls, and he quickly silenced it and kept driving. He finally understood Cas’s paranoia about being watched and followed. Every time there was a car behind him, he worried that it was somebody following him, and it made him constantly take random turns just to avoid having the same person behind him for any extended period of time. For the first time, he regretted having such a distinctive classic car. Even borrowing Cas’s Tesla would have been less obvious.

Part of him felt guilty. They had talked about the possibility of this happening, and he’d promised to stick by Cas. He knew this wasn’t his fault, but this was just… too much, all at once.

Before he knew it, he was passing Sacramento, and part of him knew he should turn back, but he just kept driving. Eventually, he saw signs for Eldorado National Forest, and decided that would be as good a place as any to stop. He parked his car, grabbed a water bottle out of the trunk, and started down a random trail to clear his head.

The green trees and streams helped him clear his head. Normally, he avoided hikes, even made fun of Sam and Jess for liking to go hiking. At that moment, though, he needed something physical to ground him and help him clear his head. He found a clearing halfway down a trail and sat down on a rock.

He checked his phone to see what time it is, and soon realized how many calls and texts he’d missed with his phone on silent. The real world found him in the forest. There was no running away from this.

Six missed calls from Sam. Three missed calls from Lisa. A missed call from Bobby. Five missed calls from unknown numbers.

 **Sam (8:30 AM):** Answer your phone, Dean.

 **Lisa (9:16 AM):** What the fuck, Dean? How could you not tell me the guy you’re seeing is CASTIEL FUCKING SHURLEY?

 **Lisa (9:41 AM):** I thought we were over this kind of bullshit. 

**Castiel (10:34 AM):** I know you need space, but please just let me know you’re okay. I love you.

 **Lisa (11:58 AM):** PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE

 **Sam (12:33 PM):** Dean, please call me. 

**Jo (12:45 PM):** hmmm it seems like maybe there’s some stuff about cas you forgot to mention to me.

 **Jo (12:47 PM):** he’s hot tho

 **Castiel (1:03 PM):** <3

 **Bobby (1:13 PM):** You okay, son?

 **Lisa (2:15 PM):** I swear to God, Dean. This isn’t just about you. If you want to see Ben this weekend, you’ll _fucking call me._

Dean felt tears building up again, and he wished he could just fall into a hole and stay there until this all blew over. The last thing he wanted was to call Lisa, who was clearly furious at him, but he couldn’t risk losing Ben.

“Oh, so you didn’t get abducted by aliens!” Lisa snapped as soon as she picked up the phone.

“Hey, Lis.”

“Don’t _‘Hey, Lis’_ me, Dean Winchester. How on Earth could you not tell me who you were dating? I let Ben stay with you guys. Didn’t you think I had a right to know?” Lisa asked.

Dean knew she was right, but he’d always been scared of her judgement, so he’d been too scared to tell her the truth.

“I’m fucking serious, Dean,” Lisa said. “I need to be able to trust you. I have half a mind to try to re-do the custody arrangement over this.”

“No!” Dean exclaimed. “I’m sorry, Lis. You’re right. I should have told you.”

“And you and your horny boyfriend couldn’t even keep it in your pants long enough to get home before kissing, so now we’re all in this too,” Lisa said.

“It wasn’t…” Dean sniffed. “It wasn’t _lust_ , Lisa. I’d just found out Dad died, so he was comforting me. He’s… usually very careful. Overly careful.”

There were a couple seconds of silence before Lisa said, “John’s dead?”

“Yeah,” Dean replied. 

“I’m still furious at you, but are you okay?”

That question brought up a million feelings bubbling to the surface: anger, fear, guilt, pain, sadness. All those emotions that he’d been pushing down suddenly came to the surface and manifested in a maniacal laugh that quickly turned into a hysterical sob.

“Woah, okay, Dean, breathe,” Lisa said, her voice changing to what Dean used to call her ‘yoga instructor’ voice. It’s the voice she always used during Yoga sessions, and also the voice she always used to use when she was trying to get Dean to calm down.

“I just… This is all too much,” Dean said.

“Your Dad or this thing with Cas?”

“Both. Everything,” Dean said. “No… No.”

“No?”

“I love Cas. He’s everything to me,” Dean said. 

“Is it worth all this? You know I’ve had reporters calling me,” Lisa said.

Dean bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Lisa.”

Lisa sighed. “I know you didn’t mean for this to happen, Dean, even if it’s pretty fucking obvious this would happen. So, I’m asking you. Is he worth it?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “ _Yes_. I’m sorry, Lis. I never meant for anyone else to have to deal with...all this. And I wanted to tell you before we decided to come out publicly. But I love him, Lisa. More than anything. I’ve never felt this way about anyone... no offense.”

“No offense taken. You weren’t exactly my number one relationship either,” Lisa replied with a short laugh. “Largely because of things like _you not telling me anything._ ”

“I know, Lisa. I’m sorry,” Dean said.

Lisa sighed. “So was everything else you told me about Cas true?”

“Every word,” Dean confirmed.

“Fine. I still think this has a really good chance of blowing up and hurting all of us, but I’ve seen how much happier you are with him, so… not that you need it, but you have my blessing,” Lisa said.

“Thanks, Lis.”

“And John?” Lisa questioned.

Dean let out a deep breath. “Drunk driving. Hit a tree. He didn’t make it.”

“Ah, wish I could say I was surprised,” Lisa replied.

Dean’s voice quivered as he said, “Me too.”

“Dean…”

“That’s what kills me about it, Lis,” Dean said. “We all knew this could happen, and we didn’t try to stop it. We could have tried to get him in rehab or something.”

“Dean, when has anyone ever been able to make John do anything he didn’t want to do?”

Dean shook his head. “We didn’t even _try._ We could have at least taken away his car.”

“Dean, don’t tell me you didn’t try. You tried for years. Bobby and Ellen tried for years. He always resisted treatment, you know that,” Lisa said.

Dean squeezed his eyes shut, but tears still found their way down his cheeks. “I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard. I’ve barely spoken to him in years.”

“He was still your father, Dean,” Lisa said gently.

Dean sniffed and wiped his tears away. “Yeah, yeah, I guess. Look, I should probably start driving back home before Sam or Cas put out a missing person’s report on me.”

“Okay, Dean. We’ll talk about this more later,” Lisa said. “And I mean that, there’s a lot we still need to discuss about Ben and the press.”

“I know, Lisa, I promise I’ll call you back,” Dean said. “Thanks for… thanks. And I’m sorry.”

“God help me, Dean, I do love you, so I’ll forgive you, but I swear to God, if you keep something like this from me again…”

“I won’t,” Dean promised. “Love you too, and give Ben my love.”

Lisa snorted. “Oh, he’s _very_ excited about Cas being the president’s son. He seems to think it makes him a prince or something. We need to do a better job explaining the differences between democracies and monarchies, apparently.”

Dean smiled for the first time since he’d gotten the phone call the night before.

“Our kid’s the best,” Dean said. 

“That he is. I’ll talk to you later, Dean,” Lisa said.

After Lisa hung up, Dean felt slightly lighter, and he hiked back to his car to head back home. It was nearly a three hour drive back to Palo Alto. He had been planning to go back to their apartment, but as soon as he saw the news vans still waiting outside, he changed course and headed to Sam’s house.

As soon as he parked, he sent a text to Cas so that he’d know where he was.

 **Dean (6:12 PM):** staying at sam’s tonight. i love you.

 **Castiel (6:13 PM):** I love you too, Dean. Always and forever.

Fuck, why did he have to be so perfect? He didn’t have any time to respond to Cas’s text, because almost immediately his little brother was rushing out of his house to meet him, his face a mixture of concern and anger. Dean sighed, knowing he was about to get _another_ earful.


	21. Chapter 21 (February 12, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-One**

_(Dean)_

Sam flung open the passenger’s door and sat down. “Where on Earth have you been? And I swear to God, Dean, if you’ve been drinking…”

“You really think I’d go out drinking and then drive here, _today_ , when Dad…”

“I didn’t know what to think, Dean!” Sam exclaimed. “Dad dies, Cas calls me worried about you, tells me what happened, and then you ignore me all day! Every other time something big happened and I didn’t hear from you, you were off on a bender. When you got into fights with Dad? When you first found out Lisa was pregnant with your kid? When you and Lisa decided to break up for good? When Lisa and Matt announced they were moving to California? Every single time, you went off to some bar and drank away your feelings.”

“That hasn’t happened in years, Sam,” Dean replied.

“Yeah, well, I was worried,” Sam said. 

“I just needed some space to think,” Dean said.

“Well, next time you need ‘space to think’, at least let the people who love you know you’re safe,” Sam said with a sigh. “So… How are you dealing with all this?”

Dean shrugged. 

“Does Cas know you’re here?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Can I stay tonight? There are reporters everywhere outside his place.”

“There were reporters here earlier, too,” Sam told him. “We said no comment, and they left.”

“Fuck. Cas warned me, but I really didn’t expect they’d bother everyone I know, too,” Dean said with a sigh.

“Dean… I always knew this might happen,” Sam said, shaking his head. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not mad.”

“I’m mad at myself,” Dean replied. “I’m mad at the world. I’m mad at everything.”

“Let’s go inside, Dean,” Sam said, and Dean nodded.

Once they got inside, Sam had a quiet conversation with Jess that he couldn’t hear, and soon Jess was getting a pillow and sheets out for the pullout couch. Sam came back into the room with three cups of tea, and handed one to Dean and one to Jess.

“Dean, I know this is a lot to process…”

Dean snorted. “Understatement.”

Jess moved to sit next to Dean on the couch.

“Dean, have I ever told you about when my mom died?”

Dean shook his head.

“It was five years ago. Cancer,” Jess said. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean replied.

Jess shook her head. “Do you know what the hardest thing about it was for me? It wasn’t that I’d never see her again. It was that I’d spent so much of my time resenting her and blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life. She wasn’t...quite as broken as your father was, and I still had my dad and stepmom who have always cared for me, but my mom would constantly belittle me and tell me how much I ruined her life.”

Jess took a deep breath and continued, “She’d been a ballet dancer, and she liked to tell me her body was never the same after having me. She tried to push me into ballet, and she’d yell at me constantly when I didn’t live up to her standards. She’d get mad if I ate anything she didn’t consider healthy, she’d put locks on cabinets that contained “junk food” that only she was allowed to eat because she didn’t need to care about her figure anymore, and she’d force me to work out well past the point of exhaustion. I developed an eating disorder because of it, something I still struggle with today. I think she finally wrote me off when I quit ballet as a teenager.”

“I’m sorry, Jess, I didn’t know,” Dean said.

“Yeah, ‘cause I never told you,” Jess said, shaking her head. “My point is that when she died, I felt guilty because our last words were a fight. I felt guilty because even though I knew she had cancer, I never tried to be there for her. She never told me it was terminal, but I didn’t… I didn’t check up on her. I didn’t want to.”

Dean frowned. “But it was cancer, right? You couldn’t have stopped cancer.”

“But I could have been there for her. I could have made sure she took her meds and got to her appointments. I could have cleaned up her vomit, and helped her find wigs.” Jess said. “At least, those were the thoughts I had swirling in my head when she died. It took me years, and Sam’s help, to realize that she was not my responsibility. She hadn’t asked for help, and I couldn’t have saved her.”

Dean bit his lip. “But I saw Dad at Christmas. I _knew_ he was in trouble. He looked so sickly that I think he would have died soon anyway, even if he hadn’t driven himself into a tree.”

“John had been lost for years, Dean,” Sam told him. “He hadn’t really been with us since Mom died, you know that. He was emotionally and physically absent for my entire life. That’s not something you could have just fixed.”

“I might have been able to help enough to keep him from _dying_ ,” Dean said.

“And do you think his life would have been fulfilling, even if you did find a way to save him?” Sam replied.

“Maybe...I guess I just wish we had some closure, you know? I just wish that the last time we saw him, we hadn’t gotten into a fight that turned so bad we needed to kick him out of the house,” Dean said with a sigh.

“As much as I would have loved the chance for a heart to heart with Dad where he acknowledged us as his children and told us he was proud of us, that’s not who Dad was,” Sam said. “It was almost inevitable that our last conversation with him would be negative, because nearly _all_ our conversations with him were negative.”

“I know,” Dean said with a sigh. “Doesn’t make it any easier, you know? I still have some memories of him from when Mom was alive. He wasn’t always like that. Even after Mom died, there were some moments where he was almost Dad again on the rare occasions where he was sober. I know it was naive, but I guess I just always hoped that one day he’d…turn things around.”

“It’s normal to hope your parents will love you the way they’re supposed to,” Jess told him, squeezing Dean’s thigh. “Until the day she died, I always had a lingering hope in the back of my head that my mom would realize the way she’d treated me and apologize.”

“I guess I stopped hoping for Dad to turn around the first time I saw him hit you,” Sam confided.

Dean’s eyes shot up to Sam’s. He’d always thought that he’d managed to hide the violence from Sammy, always making sure Sam was in another room when Dad was at his worst. One of Dean’s proudest achievements had always been that he’d kept the worst of Dad’s violence from Sam, that he’d never let Dad hurt his little brother.

“You knew?” He asked.

“Of course I knew, Dean, I was terrified,” Sam told him. “And I also know you took a lot of punches _for me_ , when he was mad at _me,_ not you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I _tried_ , Dean. Every time I brought up Dad’s drinking, or his violence, or his neglect, you shut me down,” Sam said, shaking his head.

“I was afraid of child services splitting us up,” Dean confided.

“I know, and that’s why I never told anyone. I just wish you would have talked to _me_ and not tried to defend him,” Sam said.

Dean leaned his head back against the couch. “I guess I just...no chick flick moments, right? That’s what we were taught. I thought if I could just make sure you were taken care of and that the bills were paid, there wasn’t any use talking about it.”

“I know, Dean, but emotional health is just as important as physical health,” Sam told him.

Dean nodded. “I know that now. Things changed for me once Ben was born. Once I was a father, the way Dad treated us… I couldn’t fathom letting anyone treat Ben the way we were treated. It’s why I stopped defending him and stopped paying his bills for him. I even talked to Bobby and Lisa about getting custody of you, but you were already living with Bobby and Dad was rarely around, so…It didn’t seem worth the hassle.”

“I never knew that,” Sam said.

“You were fifteen, and you were mad at me for moving out to live with Lisa,” Dean said. “I didn’t think you’d want to discuss the possibility of leaving Bobby’s to join the new family you didn’t want me to have.”

“I wasn’t _mad_ ; I just felt left behind.”

“Yeah, I know that now,” Dean said. “But at the time? I was nineteen, I was _severely_ fucked up, and all I could see was that I had a newborn son, and my little brother who had always been the closest person in the world to me didn’t want anything to do with me or my son.”

“All _I_ could see was that the only father figure I’d ever known was moving out and leaving me behind to start a new family,” Sam told him. 

“I’m sorry, Sam, really. I never meant to make you feel abandoned,” Dean said. “You were safe with Bobby, and I tried to make sure I came over to check on you as often as I could, and I just… I didn’t want to be the kind of father Dad was. I had to be there for Ben.”

Sam shook his head. “I _used_ to feel that way, when I was fifteen. Then I got to know Ben, got to see you with him, and I got it. I love that kid, you know that. Being an uncle is one of the best parts of my life.”

“He’s a great kid, isn’t he?” Dean said with a small smile. “Lisa says he thinks he’s a prince now, ‘cause Cas is the president’s son.”

Sam and Jess both laughed, and Dean felt the anger and the pain he was feeling start to slip away. He hadn’t realized how much of his pain about the way Dad raised him he’d kept locked up. Even though he’d told Cas a lot of what he’d gone through in his childhood, he’d never allowed himself to truly unpack how it affected him, or how he’d let it affect Sam. 

He knew there was a lot more that he still had to unpack, both with his dad and with the public attention that he knew he couldn’t avoid forever. He knew there were funeral arrangements they’d have to make, and long discussions with Cas about how they wanted to handle the press, but he decided he didn’t have to deal with it that night, so he allowed himself to just be in the moment with his brother and soon to be sister-in-law.


	22. Chapter 22 (February 12, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Two**

_(Cas)_

Shortly after getting no reply to his last text to Dean, Cas started drinking to alleviate his anxiety. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and his mind still kept running through all the worst case scenarios. He was _sure_ Dean was going to leave him, and the alcohol was doing very little to dull that pain, but he kept drinking in the hopes that it would eventually not matter to him anymore.

He was well past the point of drunkenness when Dean finally did call. Cas froze. He didn’t want to get broken up with on the phone, so he rejected the call.

Ten minutes later, Sam called. Cas rejected that call too, but unlike Dean, Sam left a voice message.

Trembling, Cas listened to the message.

“Cas, I know it’s probably been a hard day for you, but please recognize that it was a harder day for Dean. You don’t get the option to reject his calls, because now he’s freaking out and thinks he’s fucked up. I’d _just_ gotten him to the point of calming down when he called you, so I really need you to call him back and reassure him. If you want to call me first to find out how he’s doing, that’s fine, but you _need_ to call him.”

His head was pounding, and he wanted to lie down. He wanted to punch something. Sam was clearly upset, and worse, Dean was upset. _He’d_ made Dean upset. He couldn’t call Dean, because he didn’t know how to fix what he’d done, so he called Sam.

“Hi, Cas,” Sam said as he picked up.

“I got your message,” Cas said. “It was long, your message.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Sam asked. “Are you…drunk?” 

“No,” he denied, before stumbling and grasping at a table to stabilize himself. “Yes,” he admitted.

“What the hell happened to you?” 

Cas leaned against the wall. “I found a liquor store.”

“And?” Sam pressed.

“And I drank it,” Cas snapped. “How is Dean?” 

“Dean’s...about as good as can be expected, or at least he was before you rejected his call,” Sam said. “What the hell were you thinking, getting drunk? He needs you.”

“He...I thought he was going to break up with me,” Cas said. “I _deserve_ for him to break up with me.”

Sam sighed. “You’re an idiot. I know you’re not really in a state to hear this and process this, but you should know better than to drink away your problems. If you want to be in a relationship with him, you can’t do that shit. Not with the way our father was. You can’t drink when you’re upset and you can’t cut off any ways to reach you. It kills him.”

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Cas said softly, the panging in his head increasing.

“Yeah, whatever,” Sam said. “Apologize when you’re sober. To Dean. He’s not going to break up with you, by the way, you incredible idiot. He’s in love with you.”

In the background, Cas heard a muffled, “Is that Cas?” followed by other mumbled background conversations he couldn’t make out.

“Dean wants to speak with you,” Sam said in a resigned tone.

A couple seconds later, he heard, “Cas, sweetheart?”

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, and he felt his eyes well up with tears. “I’m so...I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t leave me.”

“Cas, baby…” Dean sighed. “I’m sorry too. I should have communicated with you better today. It’s just been… a long, emotional day.”

“‘S’ not your fault,” Cas said through tears. “It’s my fault. I was _careless_ and you—you wanted to wait until after the election, and _your dad_ — and I’m so, so sorry—”

“Cas, are you at home right now?”

Cas nodded, but then realized Dean couldn’t see him through the phone, and said, “Yes.”

“Do you need me to come home? There are a million reporters outside, but if you need me, I will come home,” Dean said.

“Nooo, I don’t—I don’t know,” Cas said.

Dean sighed. “Alright, honey. I’m coming home. And when you’re sober, we can talk about how you’re never fucking drinking like this when you’re alone and paranoid ever again.”

“I love you, Dean, _so so much_ ,” Cas said.

“I love you too, baby, I’ll see you soon.”

Dean hung up, and Cas suddenly felt extremely stupid. Talking to Dean had managed to sober him up a little bit. Now, he realized that not only had he gotten Dean outed, he was forcing him to come home to take care of him because he can’t even handle his liquor. He felt _so stupid_ and he knew he did not deserve Dean.

He’d managed to doze off, but was abruptly awakened by the sound of the door opening. Dean glanced at the coffee table and raised an eyebrow at all the empty bottles.

“Jesus, Cas, how much did you drink?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. “Enough. I thought...I thought you were going to leave me.”

Dean sighed and joined Cas on the couch, allowing Cas to lay his head down on his lap. 

Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair as he said, “I thought I made it clear to you that I’m in this for the long haul? That I wasn’t going to leave you if it became public prematurely?”

“But then you… you left,” Cas said. “I thought… it was too much. Was always too much to ask of you.”

“I left to go for a drive, Cas, not forever,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I just needed some space.”

“It was Uriel,” Cas told him.

“Uriel?”

“The picture. He took the picture,” Cas said. 

“Huh,” Dean said. “Why?”

Cas let out a strangled laugh. “Payback. I have no proof, but I think someone told him to do it. Probably Luke. He...he likes to skate right on the edge of legality.”

“That’s some real bullshit,” Dean said.

“I cancelled my secret service protection,” Cas told him.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Can you do that? Is it safe?”

“Adult children can decide if they want it or not,” Cas said. “Anna and Gabriel both chose not to have it. I thought… I mean, I always got along fine with them, so I thought it was fine. But I don’t feel safe having anyone employed by the administration in my life anymore.”

“Okay,” Dean said. 

“Did you see the statement they put out?” Cas asked.

Dean shook his head. “I’ve been avoiding everything about it.”

Cas took out his phone and read the statement out loud in a mocking tone, “As with many things in Castiel’s life, we do not always agree with his choices. Castiel has made many rash decisions lately, and this lack of judgment in his latest romantic partner is no exception. We will always love our son, but we do not condone his lifestyle.”

“Wow,” Dean said. 

“Kinda backfired on them. I mean, I suppose Fox News and his base will see it positively, but the news media generally wasn’t too impressed,” Cas told him.

Dean continued massaging Cas’s scalp as he said, “To be fair, you did show a remarkable lack of judgement in your latest romantic partner.”

“I think the only thing lacking in my judgement about my latest romantic partner is his own lack of judgement in agreeing to be with me,” Cas said.

“Mmm, best choice I ever made,” Dean said.

“How are you doing, Dean, seriously?”

Dean’s fingers halted in their massage and he sighed. He moved his hand to lace his fingers together with Cas’s. “I was fucked up earlier, not gonna lie. But I talked to Lisa, and I talked to Sam and Jess, and...I think it was more about it happening on top of Dad than it happening in general, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s what worried me,” Cas said. 

“But...they helped me through some of my guilt about Dad,” Dean said. “I realized there was a lot about my childhood I still hadn’t processed. Probably a lot I still need to process.”

“Yeah?”

Dean sighed. “Yeah, and now I need to deal with funeral shit. Sam, Jess, and I got flights for South Dakota tomorrow.”

“I can come with you,” Cas offered.

Dean shook his head. “Sorry, baby. I’d love to take you up on that offer, but I really don’t need the entire news media following us there.”

Cas frowned. “I guess you’re right. But flying, though? You hate flying.”

Dean shrugged. “Can’t take too much time off work. Guess I gotta just deal with it.”

“How do you want me to handle the media?” Cas asked.

“Honestly, baby…” Dean sighed. “I don’t know. Tell them whatever you want. I mean, make it clear that we _are_ in a relationship because I am not going back to hiding, but I don’t really want to deal with any of this bullshit myself. Not right now.”

Cas squeezed his hand. “I’ll do everything I can to keep them away from you.”

“Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“As much as I wish we could have come out in our own way, at our own time, I am happy that we can be together publicly now,” Dean confided.

“Me too, sweetheart, so much,” Cas said. “Hey, you mind if I take a picture of us for Twitter?”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Uh, sure, babe, but my scalp massage has left you with a pretty massive case of sex hair. And I should know, having seen your sex hair many times.”

Cas shrugged, and sat up to frame them in a selfie.

“Let them think what they want,” Cas said, as he pressed a kiss to Dean’s cheek and took a picture. The resulting picture had Dean’s eyes widened and his lips slightly parted in surprise, and Cas loved it. 

“Will you regret this when you’re more sober?” Dean asked.

Cas shook his head. “Mostly sobered up now, and the internet’s going to love this,” he said, as he posted the selfie with a single heart emoji. “They’re very thirsty for you, understandably.”

“The internet is thirsty for me?” 

“Oh yeah,” Cas said. “ _Desperately_ thirsty. I’ve made many people very jealous.”

“I mean...why?”

Cas paused and squinted at Dean. “You are aware that you’re the most handsome human on the planet, right?”

“Have you seen yourself?”

“I _assure_ you, the internet thinks you’re out of my league,” Cas said. 

“The internet is full of morons then,” Dean said.

Cas shrugged. “That’s definitely true, but they’re not wrong about your attractiveness.”

Only a couple minutes after the tweet was sent, Cas felt his phone vibrate. 

**Anna (10:12 PM):** THAT TWEET. THAT HAIR. THOSE LIPS.

 **Castiel (10:13 PM):** I have decided to take you up on your offer to help me deal with the media storm.

 **Anna (10:13 PM):**!!!!

 **Castiel (10:14 PM):** We can talk about details tomorrow. I’m going to take Dean to bed now.

 **Anna (10:14 PM):** yeah I bet you are

 **Anna (10:14 PM):** have good sex

Cas rolled his eyes, and Dean looked over at his phone out of curiosity.

“I hear you’re going to take me to bed so that we can have good sex,” Dean said. 

Cas laughed. “I wouldn’t want to disappoint my sister.”

Dean stood up and held a hand out for Cas, who took it and allowed himself to be pulled up. He was still just tipsy enough that the room spun a little when he stood up, but he wrapped his arms around Dean and let him guide them into the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liquor store conversation between Sam and Cas taken from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhsHH7vSnCw


	23. Chapter 23 (February 13, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Three**

_(Dean)_

Dean had to run the gauntlet leaving the apartment complex again the next day, but the number of reporters had dwindled significantly. It was easier this time, not just because there were fewer reporters, but also because he came down with Cas, who attracted most of the attention. Cas ignored them, and squeezed Dean’s hand as they went over to Sam and Jess’s Prius, which they had decided to take to the airport so that they could avoid being recognized by Dean’s car. 

Dean placed his bag in the back of the car, and then turned back around to Cas. He placed his arms around Cas and moved closer so that their foreheads were touching. It was a private moment, even as he saw the bright flashes out of the corner of his eye.

Cas sighed and pressed a kiss to Dean’s lips before pulling away.

“Call me if you need me,” Cas said. “Any time. I mean it.”

“I know,” Dean said.

Cas moved closer and whispered, “I don’t really know the right thing to say to you right now, because ‘have a good trip’ certainly isn’t on the table. Just know that I love you so, so much, and I can’t wait for you to come home to me.”

“Thanks, Cas, I love you too,” Dean whispered back before giving him another parting kiss.

He got in the car with Sam and Jess and watched as Cas went back inside, stopping only briefly to answer a question from reporters. Dean wondered what he told them. They had decided to do a public goodbye instead of saying goodbye in the apartment to avoid speculation that Dean was leaving him when he left the apartment with a suitcase and got in his brother’s car. 

“Well, at least they’ve got some new pictures to replace the blurry parking lot picture on their news reels now,” Jess said. “Although I _did_ like the picture in Cas’s tweet. Had you guys _just_ had sex?”

Dean groaned. “I told Cas everyone would think that. I just gave him a scalp massage.”

“Sure, Dean,” Jess said.

“Oh, we had sex _after_ the picture,” Dean clarified. “But we really hadn’t been up to any mischief before that picture was taken.”

“Jess, I love you with all my heart, but I don’t know why you encourage my brother to discuss his sex life in my presence,” Sam said.

“Such a prude, Sammy. I didn’t even give any details,” Dean said.

“Please don’t,” Sam pleaded.

Dean considered telling Sam about how a still slightly tipsy Cas had insisted on making Dean ride his cock and said “Aloha, Cowboy” after orgasming, because it was possibly the funniest thing that ever happened to him, but he decided to be a good brother and keep those details to himself.

Dean’s anxiety seemed to rise as they got closer to the airport and didn’t lower as he got the suitcases out of the trunk. Dean grabbed his suitcase and sped forward to the check-in line, leaving Sam and Jess behind.

As soon as they caught up with Dean, Sam gave him a questioning look. “Are you okay?”

“No, not really,” Dean said nervously.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Jess asked.

“Well, I kind of have this problem with, uh…” Dean made some hand motions that resembled a plane taking off and then sighed.

“He’s terrified of flying,” Sam translated with an exaggerated eye roll. “That’s why he always insists on driving everywhere.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?” Jess asked.

“It’s never really been an issue until now!” Dean said.

“Okay, okay, we’ll get through it,” Jess said.

Dean nodded and took a deep breath in as they got to the front of the line and moved to one of the machines that let them print out a boarding pass. They moved to security, where Dean had to remove his hat and sunglasses. He thought he saw a couple surprised looks of recognition, which was definitely a new phenomenon. 

Because they had gone to the airport early, there was a significant wait until it was time to board. Dean needed something to distract him, so they wandered around the airport shops, picking out books and travel pillows they really didn’t need out of boredom. After visiting all the shops in their terminal, they still had thirty minutes left before they could board, so they sat down at the gate. Within a couple minutes, Sam noticed that Dean was getting increasingly anxious, tapping his leg with his fingers repeatedly and breathing heavily.

“Dean,” Sam whispered. “Dean, look at me.”

Dean slowly turned to look at Sam.

“What can I do for you? How can I help?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know,” Dean sputtered. “It’s just…we could die, Sam. The plane could crash. The plane is probably going to crash.”

“Dean, we’re going to be fine. The plane won’t crash,” Sam said quietly.

“Can we just go home?” Dean whispered as his breathing sped up. “I should just go home, Dad was a dick anyway, and—“

They were cut off by a middle aged woman walking toward them, who asked, “Are you Dean Winchester?”

“I don’t think this is the best time,” Jess said. 

Dean gave her a half hearted smile, wishing she would go away.

“It’s just—” the woman gestured at the television screen, where Dean saw a video of himself from this morning kissing Cas and wearing the same clothes he was wearing now.

“You caught me,” Dean said with a shrug.

“I just want you to let your boyfriend know that I appreciate the work he does, and that I think he’s very brave for speaking up against his father,” the woman said.

Surprised, Dean said, “Thank you?”

“I apologize for bothering you,” the woman said. “You’re a very cute couple.”

Dean stared at her as she walked away, unsure of what to take from that interaction, which really hadn’t been what he’d expected when she’d approached him. Unfortunately, several people were now staring at him, and he saw more than one person surreptitiously take his picture. It was an incredibly bizarre experience.

“Well, at least that distracted you from worrying about your impending doom,” Sam said.

Dean glared at him. “Yeah, _until you brought it up._ ”

Twenty minutes later, they were allowed to board. Jess took the window seat and Sam let Dean have the aisle seat so he could feel closer to the exits. Dean immediately buckled his seatbelt and picked up the safety card from the seat in front of them, studying it intently.

“Just try to relax,” Sam told him.

Dean continued staring at the safety information. “Just try to shut up,” he said under his breath.

Sam smirked, clearly amused by his brother’s phobia. Dean didn’t look up from the safety information for the whole time that the other passengers continued to load into the plane. As the stewardesses explained the safety protocols, he stared at them attentively, trying to make sure he understood all the information he had just read multiple times. 

When the plane started to take off, Dean braced himself against the back of the seat and squeezed the armrests as hard as he could. Dean closed his eyes for a few seconds until he heard a banging noise and opened them widely, looking around frantically for where the noise came from.

Sam continued to look at Dean with amusement while he gritted his teeth and took in a deep breath. Once the takeoff was over and the ride began to become more smooth, Dean loosened his grasp on the armrests until a small bout of turbulence happened, causing him to tighten his grasp again and start humming quietly.

“Are you humming Metallica?” Sam asked, looking over towards Dean with a confused expression.

“It calms me down,” Dean said angrily.

Sam shook his head. “Look man, I get you’re nervous, alright, but you need to chill out.”

“Sam, stop taunting your brother,” Jess scolded.

As the turbulence got heavier and they turned on the fasten seatbelt sign, Dean suddenly yelled out, “Come on, that can’t be normal!”

“Hey, hey, it’s just a little turbulence,” Sam said soothingly, finally showing a hint of concern.

“Sam, this plane is going to crash, okay, so quit treating me like I’m freaking four,” Dean said angrily.

Sam looked over at him and said, “You need to calm down.”

Dean sent a glare at him. “Well, I’m sorry, I can’t!”

“Yes, you can,” Sam said. “Breathe, Dean.”

“Dude, stow the touchy feely self help yoga crap, you’re not helping,” Dean griped.

“Dean, you’re attracting a lot of attention, and you’re kind of a public figure now, so you _need to calm yourself down right now_ ,” Sam said.

Dean nodded and focused on the Yoga breathing exercises he’d learned from Lisa and Cas.

“Good,” Sam said as Dean’s breathing began to stabilize.

“Dean, the drink cart is coming, and I know something that might help,” Jess whispered.

“Thank God for booze,” Dean declared.

Dean ordered a beer and promptly drank the whole thing. Soon after he finished the drink, he managed to calm down enough to fall asleep. Dean snored lightly through the rest of the plane ride, not even waking up as they landed.

“Dean, it’s time to wake up,” Sam said as he shook him lightly.

Dean opened his eyes slowly, rubbing them with his hands. “How much longer?” he asked sleepily.

“Zero minutes,” Jess said. “We just landed. We’re taxiing now.”

“We didn’t die,” Dean said in amazement, sitting up in his seat and glancing out the window.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Of course we didn’t die, you paranoid freak.”

“Sam,” Jess warned.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sam said dismissively.

Dean narrowed his eyes. “Like you’re one to talk. You’re afraid of clowns. At least my phobia has actually killed people.”

Sam glared at him as Jess laughed hysterically.

Dean turned his phone off airplane mode, and immediately got several texts from Cas that he must have sent while they were in the air.

 **Castiel (2:14 PM):** Twitter tells me you’re nervous. I know you are probably in airplane mode, but just letting you know I love you whenever you land. 

**Castiel (2:14 PM):** Somebody with the Twitter handle @SuperBeckyRosen is on your plane live-tweeting your plane ride

 **Castiel (2:14 PM):** https://twitter.com/superbeckyrosen/status/117294484532685368

 **Castiel (2:14 PM):** <3 <3 <3 

**Castiel (2:14 PM):** I think you’re going to be very mad when you read this thread, but I want you to know that *I* find it fucking adorable

 **Castiel (2:14 PM):** @SuperBeckyRosen says you’re landing now. Please text me when you land. I love you.

Dean groaned and opened up the link Cas sent him.

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** Omg i am 95% sure that dean winchester is going on the same flight as me

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** 100% sure!!! someone else just walked up to him and he admitted it. she told him that cas and him are a cute couple. he looked confused and shocked

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** (replying to @ **fallenpsadork** ) He mostly looks nervous tbh

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** (replying to **@annabanana** ) no, castiel isn’t there. he’s there with a really tall hot guy with perfect hair named sam, and tall hot guy’s girlfriend.

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** (Retweeted **@yashar** Dean has a brother named Sam. Does he look like this? <picture>) YESSS THAT’S HIM

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** not even kidding guys he’s in the row in front of me 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** don’t worry dear followers i am going to buy the ridiculously overpriced gogo wireless to keep you all informed

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** omg he’s TERRIFIED of planes

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** sam: “just try to relax” dean: “just try to shut up” this flight has barely started and it is the best flight i have ever been on and i am having a really hard time not cracking up bc they would def hear me

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** omg. he’s humming metallica now. sam: “are you humming metallica?” dean: “it calms me down!” 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** (replying to @ **psamerica** ) XD sam is def the mvp 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** (replying to @ **ashleigh83** ) i am definitely a sam girl #TeamSam

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** (replying to **@RealAnnaShurley** ) OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU RETWEETED ME. I LOVE YOU.

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** sam’s gf who is apparently named jess is chastising him for making fun of his brother

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** sam’s actually trying to help him now but dean is NOT having it

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** my guys sam basically just said ‘dude you’re famous now and everyone is watching you. stop being a wimp.’ i’m paraphrasing, but that’s the idea

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** dean did some deep breaths and he seems better now

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** dean, loudly: THANK GOD FOR BOOZE! 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** booze update: he bought a beer

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** lol he drank that beer in like 3.5 seconds

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** omg he’s a total lightweight. this ridiculous man just went from full on panic attack to fast asleep not even ten minutes after drinking that beer

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** he’s snoring now. 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** (replying to @ **fallenpsadork** ) actually i generally hate the sound of people snoring, but his snores are v. adorable. they’re really quiet and sometimes he makes tiny little whining noises. sam looks like he wants to punch him

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** <picture> this is the best i can get without being super obvious and creepy

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** omg how is this man who is TERRIFIED OF PLANES sleeping through landing 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** sam is complaining to jess about how dean is still sleeping even though he couldn’t sleep himself

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** what was in that beer? did they poison him??

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** we just landed. sam had to shake him awake. 

**@SuperBeckyRosen** adorable unicorn dean winchester: “how much longer?” jess: “zero minutes”

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** omg. dean: “we didn’t die” sam: “of course we didn’t die, you paranoid freak”

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** SHOTS FIRED. dean: “you’re afraid of clowns. at least my phobia has actually killed people!” jess is DYING laughing

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** jess can fight cas for dean and give sam to me. i will keep him safe from clowns.

Well, shit. Dean passed the phone to Sam to look at, and decided to look for his stalker. Based on the picture she took, it was pretty clear she was sitting in the row behind him on the other side of the aisle. He turned around and found a girl with blondish brown hair. He raised an eyebrow at her, and her face turned bright red. Suspect confirmed.

“Hello Super Becky Rosen,” he said.

Her jaw dropped open, and she seemed to be fighting to come up with anything to say, so Dean simply winked at her and turned back around.

“Well, that’s creepy,” Sam said, passing the phone along to Jess.

Jess, on the other hand, laughed at loud at several points while reading the tweets.

When they finally started deboarding, Jess paused before entering the row to say to Becky, “I’m his fiance, not his girlfriend. And I’m very sorry to tell you that Team Sam is closed to new members.”

Dean and Sam both laughed as they walked down the aisle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Aloha, Cowboy" comes from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drDicO2AtoA
> 
> Dialogue from Dean's plane phobia comes from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcuspKaQZs0
> 
> @superbeckyrosen is an actual Twitter account that tweeted the tweets seen in the show on September 24, 2011. (https://twitter.com/superbeckyrosen)


	24. Chapter 24 (February 13, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Four**

_(Dean)_

Bobby picked them up at the airport and Dean texted Cas to let him know he’d arrived safely as soon as he got in the car.

 **Dean (2:45 PM):** landed. bobby’s driving us to the roadhouse now

 **Castiel (2:45 PM):** Yes, Becky informed me you arrived a while ago. 

**Castiel (2:46 PM):** How true is it that you winked at her?

Dean sighed and reopened her tweet thread to see what she added.

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** OMG ABORT MISSION ABORT ABORT

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** dean checked his phone after landing and then turned around and said “Hello Super Becky Rosen” and then WINKED AT ME i am 100% serious

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** jess is laughing so i think they’re not mad??? help

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** UPDATE: Jess is Sam’s FIANCE fml

 **@SuperBeckyRosen** she told me, and i quote, “team sam is closed to new members”

Dean laughed, and texted Cas again.

 **Dean (2:47 PM):** umm pretty true. the jess stuff is VERY true. she looked terrified when she realized we knew who she was, it was kinda hilarious

 **Castiel (2:48 PM):** You’re taking this a lot better than I thought you would.

 **Dean (2:49 PM):** i’m kinda embarrassed but ehh

 **Castiel (2:50 PM):** Well, if it makes you feel better, the internet says you’re a “precious cinnamon roll who is too good for this world.”

 **Dean (2:51 PM):** wtf cas

 **Castiel (2:51 PM):** I’m just reporting what I see, sweetheart.

 **Castiel (2:53 PM):** I don’t know if you saw how many likes and retweets it got, but it went...pretty viral. Anna says it’s good, that it’s a good way to humanize us and make us seem more real and likeable. She also says this won’t do much to get attention off of us, though.

 **Dean (2:54 PM):** ugh great, glad that my panic attack went viral

 **Dean (2:55 PM):** you’re lucky i love you

 **Castiel (2:55 PM):** The luckiest. <3 

Dean grinned as they arrived at The Roadhouse, Ellen’s bar. Dean used to work shifts at Ellen’s bar on occasion to make some extra money for Sam or Ben, and it always felt a bit like another home to him.

With everything that had changed in his life in the last few years, it was almost surreal to walk into The Roadhouse and see everything exactly the same as it had been a few years ago, including Ash passed out on the pool table and the same badass woman tending bar.

“Well, if it ain’t the Winchesters,” Ellen said, stepping out from behind the bar to wrap them up in hugs. “It’s good to see y’all, even if it’s not for the best of reasons.”

She hugged Jess last, clinging on her and saying, “Welcome to the family, sweetheart. We missed you at Christmas.”

“Thanks, Ellen,” Jess said as she squeezed back. “I wish I could have been here, but it was probably my grandmother’s last Christmas with us.”

“I know, honey, Sam let us know. Just glad to see you here now,” Ellen said. “You guys want any drinks?”

“Wouldn’t say no to a beer,” Dean said, and smiled at Ellen as she went behind the bar and poured him a glass of El Sol, which she knew was his favorite.

“So how’s that boy of yours, Dean?” Ellen asked with a twinkle in her eye. “What’s his name, Castiel…? I don’t think you mentioned his last name.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “I know you know, Ellen.”

“Oh, sure, but it did seem to be something you forgot to mention when we were talking about him at Christmas,” Ellen said.

“He told me,” Bobby said with a small smirk. “Must just trust me more.”

“Oh, shut up, both of you,” Dean said. “I couldn’t say anything in front of Ben.”

“Pretty sure Ben knows now,” Jo said as she walked in from the backroom. “Just ‘cause you couldn’t keep your hands off your man in public.”

“Excuse _you_ , he couldn’t keep his hands off me,” Dean said, getting up to wrap Jo in a hug.

“Still pissed you didn’t tell me,” Jo said with a dramatic sigh.

Dean shrugged. “Join the club. Lisa almost murdered me.”

Jo slapped his arm. “You didn’t tell _Lisa?_ ”

“I was worried she’d disapprove, and it’d make things hard with Ben,” Dean replied, causing Jo to hit him again.

“I know, I get it, I was dumb,” Dean said, stepping out of Jo’s hitting range. 

“I think he’s gotten his punishment already,” Jess said as she sipped on the cocktail Ellen made for her.

“Speaking of punishment, how was your plane ride, Dean?” Jo asked.

Dean groaned. “I suppose you found Becky’s tweets?”

“Obviously,” Jo said with a wide grin. 

“She did a dramatic reading for us and everything,” Ellen told him with a wink.

“Why’d I even let Bobby bring me here to see you guys, anyway?”

Jo whipped him with a bar towel. “You love us.”

“I should wear body armor when I come in here,” Dean said.

Sam laughed. “You worried the 100 pound girl is going to hurt you? Poor baby.”

“I hate all of you,” Dean muttered.

As much as he protested, Dean was happy to be home and able to focus on his family. He knew the next day would be hard, focused almost entirely on funeral arrangements and going through his Dad’s apartment. This night, though, he could put those thoughts away, and focus on being with the people that really mattered to him.


	25. Chapter 25 (February 14, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Five**

_(Dean)_

As predicted, the next day was much harder. In some ways, it was easy. They decided to get him cremated, rather than buried. The funeral was going to be small, as John Winchester didn’t really have many friends he hadn’t already burned bridges with. He didn’t exactly have any wealth or valuables to give to his descendents.

On the other hand, Dean couldn’t ignore John’s death like he did the day before. And the guilt grew as he checked out John’s apartment, which was a complete mess and full of trash. There were empty alcohol bottles everywhere, and almost nothing in the fridge other than beer.

The only thing they found that was worth keeping was one single box that was labeled 'Mary' full of stuff from Dean’s mother that Dean and Sam hadn’t known John even had. Almost everything of Mary’s was destroyed in the fire she died in, and they’d moved so much after Mary died that Dean was surprised anything was still around.

Dean inhaled deeply as he opened up a photo album. The first picture was a large photo of Mary, which was labeled as 'senior photo' in a loopy feminine handwriting that he recognized from the inside of a children’s book that she’d written a note in for Dean. Until today, it had been the only thing Dean still had from her, and he’d stared at the words “Merry Christmas to my baby Dean” more times than he could count. Dean caressed her face with his finger before turning the page. 

The album started with pictures from when Mary and John were dating and continued all the way until there were pictures of Mary holding baby Sam. They were almost all meticulously labeled. Dean continued flipping through the pages, his eyes glistening with tears as he absentmindedly stroked every page while reading the captions. Tears began to fall down his face as he got further in the book. When he was about halfway through, he looked up at Sam and found that he was in a similar emotional state.

Sam wasn’t looking at the photo album, though. Sam was looking through Mary’s sketchbook, and had stopped on a drawing of a baby in his crib that she’d labeled as simply 'Sam.'

“She loved to draw,” Dean said as he remembered a vague memory of his mom drawing a picture of a truck for him in that sketchbook. “I forgot that until just now.”

Sam shook his head. “I never knew. Dad was hung up on her for the rest of his life, but he never talked about her. He had all this stuff, and he never even showed it to us. I never got to know my mom, and he didn’t even _try_ to show me this stuff.”

Dean took out a binder labeled 'recipes' while Sam continued looking through the sketches. Most of the recipes were just random things his mom cooked at one point, but Dean gasped when he found an apple pie recipe, handwritten by Mary with lots of corrections made with different colored pens, indicating that she had fiddled with the recipe for a long time before finally being satisfied. The recipe had originally been named ‘Grandma’s Famous Apple Pie,’ but she had crossed out Grandma and written ‘Mary’s.’

Dean had been trying to recreate his mother’s apple pie for years, based only on a four year old’s memory of what it was like. Even though rationally he knew he could never recreate a memory, he’d still constantly tried changing and improving his recipe. Now he found the recipe Mary actually used, and saw how she’d gone through the same process of making improvements from her own mother’s recipe. He hadn’t felt this close to his mom since he was four years old and she was still alive.

The only other thing in the box was a manila envelope full of letters Mary had written for John. He started reading one, then ended up putting it down when the letter started to get explicit. He knew he’d eventually read all these letters, his dead parents’ privacy be damned, but he wasn’t really in the mood to read about their sex life.

His emotions were fraught after going through the box. On the one hand, everything in the box was precious, and a piece of himself he hadn’t even known was missing. On the other hand, it was just one more thing their father kept from them. He wanted to scream at him, but he couldn’t because he was gone. He wanted to scream at himself for being mad at a dead man.

“Can you believe he just… had all this?” Sam said as he started going through the photo album. 

Dean shook his head and wiped tears from his eyes. “I forgot what she looked like, Sam. I can’t tell you how much it haunted me that I forgot what she looked like.”

“I...never really knew what she looked like,” Sam said. “All I had were your memories. And fuck, Dean, you were four. It’s not like you really had much to tell me. I’d gotten so used to just thinking I’d never get a chance to know my mom, but this...”

“It’s her photos, her art, her recipes, her letters. This box is a piece of her,” Dean said. “He had a piece of her, and he kept it to himself.”

Sam let out a strangled sob. “Is it wrong to hate a dead man?”

“Is it wrong that this makes me hate him a hell of a lot more than him calling me a buttfucking queer or using me as a punching bag?” Dean asked.

“I wish he’d died instead of her,” Sam said.

Dean bit his lip and admitted, “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that and hated myself for thinking it.”

“Me too,” Sam confided.

After carefully wrapping Mary’s stuff back up in the box, they did a cursory look through the rest of the house before declaring everything else worthless. Bobby took one look at their faces once they came back to his house and immediately made them some tea.

When it became clear that his mood wasn’t improving, Bobby offered to let Dean work on a 1967 Chevy Camaro he had in his shop. More than anyone, Bobby knew how Dean worked through his problems by working on cars. Dean appreciated the gesture, and took him up on it, wanting to do something, _anything_ , to get his mind off his father.

Dean used to always listen to classic rock while he fixed cars. Lately, though, he’d started listening to podcasts, especially Anna’s podcasts and Lovett or Leave it. He liked feeling actually informed and being able to talk about current events with Cas, and the pods let him learn in a way that was entertaining. Even better, on rare occasions, Anna would mention Cas. A single sentence about Cas in an ad could make his entire work day.

He turned on the latest Pod Save America and started working on the car. 

“Welcome to Pod Save America, I’m Jon Favreau.”

“I’m Jon Lovett.”

“I’m Tommy Vietor.”

“I’m Anna Shurley.”

“Later in the pod, Anna’s interview with first son, no longer the ‘silent son,’ Castiel Shurley,” Jon Favreau said and Dean nearly dropped heavy equipment on himself in surprise.

“I think he’s going to have a _lot_ to say,” Anna teased.

“Now that we finally landed Castiel, maybe we’ll finally get Joe Biden next,” Lovett said. “Hey, you never know, right?”

Cas was willingly doing an actual interview? _And he hadn’t told him?_

_What the fuck._


	26. Chapter 26 (February 13, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Six**

_(Cas)_

Cas could hardly believe that he’d agreed to do this, but it seemed like the best way to get the media off of Dean’s back. If he was open enough in an interview, it would clear up a lot of lingering questions and give reporters less reasons to dig.

“Okay, Cas, just be yourself,” Anna said.

“Right,” Cas said.

“Cas, this isn’t live. Anything you don’t want, we can edit or do another take,” Anna reassured him.

“I know,” Cas said. “Okay, okay, I’m ready.”

Anna started recording and said, “Joining us on the pod, he’s a doctoral candidate at Stanford studying climate change, a really good jam maker, and my favorite Scrabble partner. He’s also...my baby brother, Castiel Shurley.”

“I think just brother is fine, Anna,” Cas said.

“Hi, Cas,” Anna said.

“Hi Anna, it’s good to be here,” Cas replied.

Anna laughed. “It’s so good to be here that it took me _three years_ to get you to come on.”

“Oh, do you have a Podcast?” Cas teased. “I hadn’t heard.”

“Ugh, someday you’ll appreciate me,” Anna said.

“Hey, I’m a friend of the Pod. I have a t-shirt and everything,” Cas said.

“I gave you that t-shirt and I think you wore it... _once_ ,” Anna replied.

“I wear it at home all the time,” Cas stated. “It’s very soft. Well made. Good quality.”

“Thanks for the merch plug, but we’re not all Dean Winchester, so maybe wear it outside the house sometime,” Anna said. “Speaking of Dean Winchester…”

“Yes, I hear he’s a topic of conversation,” Cas said.

“We’re going to talk about other subjects, but let’s get this out of the way because it’s what a lot of people are listening for,” Anna said. “Do you want to give your explanation about what happened in that photograph?”

“Love to, Anna, because I’ve seen a lot of speculation, most of which is false,” Cas said. “The truth is that Dean and I have been dating for about nine months. We’d made a joint decision to put off announcing our relationship until after the election, to put off… well, this. We didn’t want to create a spectacle.”

“What changed?”

“That photo’s dark with really low resolution, and it’s hard to really see anyone’s facial expressions. If you could see them, you’d see that Dean was crying. He’d just gotten a phone call telling him his father was dead, and without thinking, I comforted him in the most natural way I could think of,” Cas explained. “I didn’t really consider the possibility that someone might see us in the moment.”

“Since the photograph has come out, what has happened?”

“Well, my favorite thing was getting a phone call from Michael telling me that I should claim Dean kissed me against my will, or that he was drunk, basically wanting me to pin it on Dean, even though _I_ kissed _him_ ,” Cas said.

“Wow, that is so very surprising,” Anna said in a sarcastic tone.

“Yes, he told me I really didn’t want to have a boyfriend, which is weird, because I was pretty sure I _did_ want to have a boyfriend,” Cas replied. 

“There was also that truly lovely statement put out by the administration,” Anna said.

“Oh right, they love me, but they disagree with everything I do and especially my romantic partner, who they have never met,” Cas said. 

“To be clear, since some people were under the impression that nobody knew about Dean, _I_ have known about Dean for months,” Anna said.

“Yeah, it was only a secret to the public. The people closest to me knew,” Cas said. “Let’s just say that the people closest to me does not really include my parents or two of my siblings.”

“Does this make you a Fallen Shurley?”

Cas laughed. “You _hate_ that term.”

“I absolutely do, and I have no idea why we’re called that, which is why I want to drag you down with me,” Anna said.

“Do you remember when you went to a protest and there was this giant depiction of you lying dead with huge black feathered wings and a giant sword stabbed through your abdomen painted on the pavement?” Cas asked.

“Yes, I’m still traumatized, thank you,” Anna said.

“Oh, bullshit, you laid down on top of it and took a selfie,” Cas said.

“It’s not every day there’s a painting of you dead on the street,” Anna said. “But back to you joining Gabriel and me in making some good trouble… Can you explain what kept you from speaking out for so long, and what made you change your mind?”

“There are a lot of answers to that question,” Cas said with a sigh. “I guess the simplest answer is also the most selfish one. I don’t like public attention; I never have. It was thrust on me since childhood, and I just never wanted to be a part of it.”

“Even when your favorite sister offered a coveted spot on her podcast,” Anna said.

Cas laughed. “Right, even then. There was also a bigger reason that I used as an excuse. In science, you’re taught not to make any conclusions without scientific evidence and statistically significant data. Science is always where I’ve felt most comfortable, and I guess there was a part of me that felt like it was _wrong_ to have opinions outside of my research, in areas where I’m clearly not an expert.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Several things, a combination of things,” Cas said. “I always knew that there’s nothing inherently wrong with scientists having political opinions, and in fact, scientists _should_ have political opinions because we make those opinions based on facts, rather than feelings. As my father’s administration started taking away people’s rights, and turning back the clock on fighting climate change, my silence started to become untenable. I was complicit if I continued to do nothing, especially when I had such a huge platform I wasn’t using. And then...there was Dean.”

“Dean pushed you to be more public?”

“No, Dean has never once pushed me,” Cas said. “What _is_ true is that I had developed a pretty fatalistic mindset, especially after 2016. I started to believe that nothing mattered, that the world was going to crumble no matter what anyone tried to do. Then, I met the most wonderful and captivating person I’d ever met, who always looked out for everyone else even when he was going through some serious challenges. I cannot express to you the depths of how much that man has changed my life, but it changed my entire outlook on my own power and agency. He gave me the courage to speak out.”

“I happen to know that Dean is a listener—”

“A much more faithful listener and friend of the pod than I am, in fact,” Cas said.

“—and that you did not tell him you were coming on the Pod today. So, is there anything that you’d like to say, directly to Dean? Keep it PG-13, because we’re still recording.”

“Yes. Dean, I love you more than words can say and I’m sorry my parking lot indiscretion led to your panic attack being live-tweeted on an airplane. You are the strongest and bravest person I’ve ever met. Even though I know you’re going through a tough time right now, I know that you will push through it, and I will be there with you every step of the way. And also, if you listen to this before friday, happy Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry we can’t spend it together this year, but I will make it up to you when you come home.”

“And anything you want to say to the reporters who are obsessed with your relationship?”

Cas laughed. “Yes, I would like to tell them to leave Dean alone. He is grieving right now, and he is not used to being a public figure. He does not have any people to help him handle his public statements. I do. So, although I do not understand why people care so much about our relationship, if anyone wants any comment about it, I want them to go through me. Depending on the question, I may answer or I may not, I may even give you a comment _from_ Dean, but until he tells you otherwise, I promise you the only answer you’re going to get directly from Dean is “No comment.”” 

“Okay, enough about your relationship, you’re usually my go-to to explain climate science to me, so let’s talk about climate change...” Anna said.

The rest of the interview was easier for him. He felt comfortable talking about science, and he didn’t have to worry about saying anything that could jeopardize his relationship. Dean _had_ told him to handle the media and tell the truth, so he’d tried to tell the truth without giving away anything _too_ personal. He just hoped Dean would appreciate everything he said, and be okay with how open he was.


	27. Chapter 27 (February 14, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Seven**

_(Dean)_

_Valentine’s Day._ Shit. He frantically scrambled for his phone and checked the date. _Friday, February 14._ Shit shit shit.

Until Dean listened to the podcast, he’d completely forgotten about Valentine’s Day. He’d even had plans for Valentine’s Day. Ever since New Years, he’d been planning to buy some panties to try out, and he’d been thinking about what he’d cook for Cas… but that had all been before. So much had happened that he’d completely forgotten about the holiday.

And now, on their first Valentine’s Day together, he was in another state arranging his dead father’s affairs. Romantic.

He called Cas, who picked up almost immediately.

“Hello, sweetheart,” Cas said, and Dean couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

“Hey baby, will you be my Valentine?”

Cas laughed. “Always, as long as you’ll be mine. Happy Valentine’s Day, love.”

“I gotta say, I don’t actually find going through my dead abusive father’s old junk to be the pinnacle of romance,” Dean told him.

“Mm, we can celebrate when you get back,” Cas replied.

“I’m sorry I didn’t think about the fact I’d be away for Valentine’s Day.”

“Dean…” Cas sighed. “It’s not your fault that your dad died right before a holiday. You didn’t choose to leave for fun.”

“Yeah, but I still feel shitty about forgetting,” Dean said.

“You clearly didn’t forget, since you called me,” Cas replied.

“Yeah, I—maybe possibly only remembered after listening to the sexiest man in the world being interviewed for Pod Save America,” Dean said.

“How could you possibly know someone is sexy through a podcast?” Cas teased.

“Your fucking _voice_ ,” Dean said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going on the pod?”

“You’ve kinda had a lot going on, and you told me to handle the media, so...”

“Well, your interview made me cry,” Dean said.

“Cry? Why?”

“Cas...you just gave me a very public love confession,” Dean said, shaking his head. 

“I confess my love to you daily,” Cas replied.

“Not _publicly._ And I know you hate interviews.”

“Yeah…” Cas said. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but mostly it was the only way I could think of that might work to get reporters off your back.”

“Thank you, angel,” Dean said.

“It also helped that it wasn’t live, but we’ll see how I handle Lovett or Leave It. Ugh, an audience,” Cas said.

Dean gasped. “ _You’re going on Lovett or Leave It?_ It’s my favorite pod!”

“I know, sweetheart, why do you think I’m going on it?”

“I’m fangirling a bit right now,” Dean said. 

“You mean that all this time, all I needed to do to impress you was to take Anna up on her incessant offers to go on a podcast?”

“Baby, you impress me every day,” Dean said.

“How are things going over there?”

Dean frowned. “Would it make me a horrible person if I told you that my grief has morphed into rage at my dead father?”

“No, it would make you human,” Cas said. “Did something happen?”

Dean sighed. “I mean… Yes and no. I’ve had to reevaluate a lot of things in the past couple of days, but my breaking point was that he had a bunch of old stuff from Mom. Photos, recipes, artwork, letters.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“ _Yes_ , and we already packed up the box and sent it first class back home, so be on the lookout for a package,” Dean said. 

“Okay, I will make sure it comes safely,” Cas promised.

Dean cleared his throat. “The thing that hurts, that fucking _kills_ , Cas, is that he’s had this the whole time and he _never once_ showed us. We grew up without a Mom. Sammy didn’t even have any memories of her, and he just… He erased her from us.”

“Oh, Dean…”

“I always had this vague memory of Mom telling me there were angels watching over me before putting me to bed, but I could never tell if it was real or just something my brain made up. But there’s a sketch she did - one of the few she put the time into coloring - that’s a drawing of me sleeping in a crib, with angels on clouds above looking down on me.”

“That’s beautiful, Dean. I’m sorry he kept it from you.”

“It has her _apple pie recipe_ , Cas,” Dean said, his voice cracking.

“Mmm, pie really is a Winchester family trait.”

“Fuck that, it’s a Campbell trait,” Dean corrected. 

“I love you, Dean. I’m sorry your father didn’t love you the way you deserved.”

“Yeah, well, I probably wouldn’t have fallen for you so quickly if we didn’t have shitty fathers to bond over, so at least he gave me that,” Dean said.

Cas laughed and said, “I’ll be sure to thank my father for that.”

“The funeral’s tomorrow,” Dean said with a sigh. “I don’t know how to grieve him.”

“Sweetheart, there’s no right way to grieve,” Cas said.

“Yeah…”

“I wish I could be there with you,” Cas said. “I really want to hold you.”

“I should have let you come,” Dean said with a sigh. 

“I can try to get a last minute flight…”

“No, it’s okay, baby. I’m leaving tomorrow night anyway,” Dean said. 

“Wake me up when you get home, okay? No matter how late it is,” Cas said.

“I will,” Dean promised. “I should probably get going, but I love you. Thanks for...you know, everything.”

“I love you too, sweetheart, more than anything,” Cas said.

Normally, he felt better after getting off the phone with Cas. It was like a balm to soothe his nerves, but this time, he devolved into a fit of hysterical sobs. He just felt so alone, and desperately wanted the feeling of Cas around him. Grief over his father, grief over the mother he never got to know, and grief over the childhood he never got a chance to have overtook him, and everything he had been holding back came rushing out all at once. It was nearly an hour before he felt capable of pulling himself together enough to rejoin his family.


	28. Chapter 28 (February 15, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Eight**

_(Cas)_

Cas was strongly considering murder. Dean was currently at his father’s funeral, and _some idiot_ named Lee Webb had decided to capitalize on his relationship with Dean by writing a Medium article titled _I Was Dean Winchester’s First Gay Experience._

It talked about how he used to be friends with Dean, and how that friendship turned physical. It talked about how John was rarely around, and when he was around, he was always drunk. He wrote about how Dean struggled with acknowledging he liked men sexually, even after they’d started having sex, and how terrified he was of his father finding out. It talked about how he worried that Dean’s own issues with alcohol would lead to him becoming like his father. 

The piece touched over several risky things Dean and Lee did together, including having unprotected sex, semi-public sex, having a drunken orgy with triplets, shoplifting a pie while intoxicated, and spending an entire weekend in Arizona getting high on any drug they could find. He ended by saying the “benefits” in their friendship only ended after he got Lisa pregnant.

It painted Dean as a promiscuous, borderline alcoholic teenager who impregnated someone after a one night stand. Based on what Dean had told him, there wasn’t much that he guessed was _inaccurate_ about what Lee wrote, but he could not believe the audacity of someone to write about the personal life of someone they claim they once cared about.

This was so much worse than when April had written about their one night stand. This was someone who knew Dean well publicly airing out some of his most private insecurities and regrets.

He knew he needed to tell Dean, but there was no way he was going to tell him _now._ Dean sounded more distraught the night before than he’d ever heard him sound before, and the funeral was _today._ Cas gritted his teeth and called Anna.

“Hey, Cas,” Anna said as she picked up.

“Did you see it?”

“The Lee thing?” Anna asked. “Yeah, I saw it.”

“I want it taken down,” Cas said.

Anna sighed. “Cas, you know I don’t have the power to do that. There are many things I’d love to scrub off the internet too, but there’s that whole pesky free speech thing. Unless you can tell me he specifically lied about something, I have nothing to stand on. It’s gross, but there’s nothing legally wrong with it.”

“Well… what should I do?” Cas asked. “Dean’s at his Dad’s funeral right now. I don’t know how to tell him.”

“I don’t know, Cas,” Anna said. “I mean… If I was going just based on what I thought the best thing to do optics-wise was, I’d tell you to reframe the narrative.” 

“What do you mean?”

“So, Dean had some tough years as a teenager where he made some questionable choices. What happened before then that could explain it? What happened afterwards that could redeem it? Turn it into a success story. Just based on what I know, which I’m sure isn’t the whole story, Dean’s mom died when he was a kid, and his dad never got over the grief. Dean struggled with it, eventually got a girl pregnant, and then… became a model father with a stable job. It’s a better story than Lee’s, and it would resonate with a lot of people.”

“So your solution is to expose more of Dean’s private life to the entire world,” Cas said.

“Obviously not without his approval,” Anna said. 

“I don’t even know how to ask him for approval for something like that,” Cas replied.

“Ideally the reframed narrative would be written by Dean himself or somebody who knows him well. I’m just saying...If I was trying to change the optics, that’s what I would do,” Anna said.

Cas groaned.

“Look, I think it’s possible...probable, even...that some of the fervor about your relationship is being pushed by right wing sources. If they make everything about your relationship, they take the focus off the message you’re trying to send,” Anna told him.

“I figured.”

“I want to connect you with someone who I think might be able to help,” Anna said. “Her name is Charlie. She’s the best oppositional researcher I know, and also a wizard with everything related to social media and public messaging.”

“How can she help me?”

“By helping you figure out how to frame your story, and by figuring out the real source of negative stories,” Anna said.

Cas frowned and ran his hand through his hair. “Okay.”

“Good, I’ll have her contact you,” Anna said. “I gotta go, Cas, but try not to stress too much about this story. Lots of people are calling it out for being invasive. Most of the people I’ve seen tweeting about it have been posting things like ‘wow a teenager acted irresponsibly!!!!’ I know that it’s extremely personal, and you’re worried about Dean, but I don’t think this story will even be talked about in a couple of days.”

“Thanks, Anna,” Cas said, but her prediction that it was a minor story didn’t make him feel any better. 

Because of Cas, Dean’s privacy was violated in an extremely personal way, and it would be online for anyone to see forever. He hated that he’d brought this on Dean, and especially _today_.


	29. Chapter 29 (February 15, 2020)

#  **Chapter Twenty-Nine**

_ (Dean) _

The funeral went...about as well as could be expected. It helped that the attendance was small. The only people that came were Dean, Sam, Ellen, Bobby, Jo, and Jim, John’s only friend he managed to maintain a relationship with. Every one of them knew who John was, and nobody was expecting a funeral lionizing him.

Dean still gave his eulogy, which he’d written the night before. He’d almost filled an entire waste basket with balled up drafts he’d decided not to use. They all seemed either too angry and bitter or too positive and dishonest.

The eulogy he’d eventually decided on wasn’t perfect, but then again, nothing about his relationship with his dad had ever been perfect.

He still went up next to the coffin and cleared his throat, clutching the piece of paper tightly in his hand as he read.

_ Everyone here knows my father was not a perfect man. Far from it, he could be a real dick. He was troubled, but the reason he was troubled was that he never got over the death of my mother. It broke something inside of him, and he lived the rest of his life missing a piece of himself. _

_ Before Mom died, I can remember us playing T-ball out in the backyard. He used to get so proud of me when I’d hit the ball, even with my clumsy four year old skills. _

_ After Mom died, moments like that were rare. I can remember one time, when I was six or seven, when he took me shooting for the first time. Just, you know, bottles on a fence, that kind of thing. It was perhaps a poor choice to give a kid that young a gun, but I bulls-eyed every one of them. He gave me this smile, and it was the first time I’d seen that smile since we played T-ball. He never said anything, but I knew he was proud of me. _

_ When I was fifteen, he’d gone...somewhere. He’d been gone for nearly a month, and when he finally came back, he was drunk, like usual. But this time, when I helped clean him up and put him to bed, he drunkenly apologized and told me that he knew he put too much on my shoulders, and that he was proud of how I took care of Sammy. He never brought it up again, and I don’t even know if he remembered saying it, but it was the first time I felt like he recognized everything I did for him. _

_ The greatest lesson Dad ever taught me was to take care of the people around me. I learned out of necessity to take care of Sam, but taking care of Sam was never a burden. I got to watch my little brother become a genius, smart enough to get a scholarship to Stanford. And if I hadn’t learned at a young age to take care of Sam, I would not have been prepared at the age of nineteen to take care of Ben. _

_ Dad, I wish you could have lived the life you were meant to live with Mom. I wish Sam and I had gotten a chance to know you as the father you would have been. I hope that in death you are able to find the peace you were never able to find on Earth. Despite everything, I will always love you. _

Dean’s eyes were watering by the time he was done reading, and he wiped the tears away before they could fall. He promptly folded the paper back up and went to sit back down next to Sam, who was crying. Dean squeezed Sam’s shoulder as the funeral officiant said his closing remarks.

“That was a nice speech, son,” Bobby said after they finished.

Dean shrugged. “I didn’t really know what to say.”

“You said everything just right, honey,” Ellen said. 

“It’s more than he deserved, especially from you,” Jo added.

Jess gave him a side hug and said, “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. Where’s Sam?”

Jess gestured towards the small pond behind the funeral home, where Dean could see Sam sitting on a bench.

“He said he needed some air,” she said.

Dean furrowed his brow.

“I think he’d be okay with you going to talk to him,” Jess said, and Dean nodded.

He went out the back door of the funeral parlor, and sat down next to Sam on the bench.

“You doing alright, Sammy?”

Sam shrugged. “I didn’t want to come, you know.”

“To the funeral?”

Sam shut his eyes and nodded.

“You didn’t have to,” Dean said.

Sam opened his eyes and stared at Dean directly. “Yes, I did, Dean. I was wrong.”

“Wrong about what?”

“I came for you, Dean. I knew you were struggling, and I wanted to be here for you,” Sam said, shaking his head. “But I was wrong. It was important for me to be here, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dean… I’ve spent so, so long being so mad at Dad,” Sam said with a choked sob. “At times, I even wished his alcoholism would kill him. And then...it did. And you know what I felt?”

Dean shook his head.

“Dean, I felt...nothing. I expected to feel relief, or feel sad, but I felt nothing,” Sam said.

“I think that’s a common response to grief,” Dean replied.

Sam shook his head. “It was more than that. I didn’t go numb. I still felt a lot of emotions. But I felt nothing about his death. I didn’t expect to feel anything at his funeral either.”

“But you did?”

“I always hated when people would use Mary’s death as an excuse for his behavior,” Sam said, drawing in a ragged breath. “People die all the time, and their loved ones still hold on enough to take care of the people they love. It felt like an excuse. It felt like he cared more about holding onto the past than either one of us.”

“I know,” Dean said.

“But your speech, Dean. You said you hoped he’d find the peace he could never find on Earth. And I just… I thought about what it was like for him. He’d been miserable for so long, right? He lived for  _ years _ hating himself and trying to escape life,” Sam said. 

Dean nodded. “I think he drank because he couldn’t live with himself.”

“And now he finally got his wish,” Sam continued. “It’s just...it feels like closure, somehow. Not just for Dad, but for my hatred of Dad. I don’t need to spend my energy hating him anymore, because he hated himself enough for all of us, and it killed him.”

“That’s...good, I think?”

Sam let out a short laugh. “Yes, it’s good.”

Dean bumped his shoulder into Sam’s. “I’m glad you came.”

“Me too,” Sam said. “But I’m also happy to be going home tonight.”

“God, yeah, me too,” Dean said. “I just want things to go back to normal.”

Sam laughed. “Dean...You’ve been distracted by Dad, but I think your life is about to get very weird.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dean said with a sigh. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” Sam said as he stood up.

They went back to Bobby’s briefly before driving back to the airport. Jo gave Dean some anti-anxiety pills to take for the plane, and he’d never been more grateful. He took the pill thirty minutes before boarding, and through the magic of modern medicine, he slept through most of the flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story about John taking Dean shooting is in 2.06 No Exit (http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/2.06_No_Exit_(transcript))


	30. Chapter 30 (February 16, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty**

_(Dean)_

Dean didn’t get back until nearly one AM. Remembering his promise to Cas, he stripped down to his boxers before kissing him awake.

Cas’s voice was rough and scratchy as he said, “Dean?”

“Hey, honey, scoot over,” Dean whispered. 

Cas moved to give Dean space, and Dean crawled into the bed, where he was immediately drawn into Cas’s arms.

“Missed you,” Cas mumbled sleepily.

Dean pecked Cas’s lips and said, “Missed you, too. Go back to sleep, sweetheart.”

“Wanna talk to you…” Cas mumbled, but Dean could see he was already falling back to sleep.

“Tomorrow, baby,” Dean said.

“Mmm’kay,” Cas muttered sleepily as he laid his head on Dean’s chest.

Dean smiled as Cas quickly fell back to sleep. He stroked his thumb gently along Cas’s hip until he drifted off to sleep himself.

He woke up the next day to an empty bed, which was rare. Dean almost always woke up before Cas. Sleepily, he sat up and stretched. Suppressing a yawn, he rubbed his hands across his eyes and then got up to find Cas.

He walked sleepily into the living room, where he found Cas on the phone. He leaned against the doorway as he watched Cas on the phone, curious who he was talking to on a Sunday at eight AM.

He felt slightly guilty listening to Cas’s side of the conversation, but curiosity and drowsiness kept him from moving.

“ _Today_? Really, that soon?” 

“I suppose.”

“Yes, yes, you’re right.”

“I don’t know if he’s available.”

Cas started pacing and running his fingers through his hair. “I haven’t told him yet.”

“No, no, I don’t know. I need to talk to Dean.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks, it was nice talking to you, too.”

Cas hung up the phone and sat down at the table. He immediately dropped his head to the table, looking utterly defeated.

“Cas?” Dean asked, and Cas’s head shot up and turned to face him.

“Dean,” Cas said with a slightly panicked tone.

“Who was that?”

“It was...Charlie,” Cas said. 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “And who is Charlie?”

“She’s...some hotshot opposition researcher slash social media manager, I guess,” Cas said with a sigh.

Dean frowned and moved to the table, sitting down in the chair next to Cas. “Cas, what is this about? What haven’t you told me?”

Cas frowned and reached for his phone. After a few seconds, he handed it over to Dean.

#  **I Was Dean Winchester’s First Gay Experience**

By Lee Webb 

Oh, shit. This wasn’t good. Dean’s stomach dropped as he read the piece, horrified that Lee would exploit their friendship like this. He hadn’t talked to him in years, but he’d been one of his closest friends for several years.

“I can’t believe he’d do this,” Dean said, shaking his head.

“I don’t think he did on his own,” Cas told him. “That’s why Charlie called so early. She found something.”

“What?”

“He received a $150,000 payment the same day the article was published from a shell company called Marid Enterprises LLC. Charlie’s still trying to track down more details about who owns it, but…”

“He was paid to write it,” Dean deduced.

“Yes, by someone trying to hide their tracks,” Cas said.

“What can we do?”

Cas averted his eyes from Dean’s. “Anna and Charlie have a plan, but I don’t know if you’ll like it. There are basically two things we’re trying to do. Most importantly, restore your reputation, but also warn them off doing more stuff like this.”

“How would we do that?”

“Charlie wants to work with you to help you write your own op-ed, reframing your story. You could include whatever you want, but basically… giving context to your teenage years and showing how you’ve changed,” Cas said.

“I don’t know if I want to do that,” Dean said. “That seems a bit...private. It’s hard enough for me to talk to the people I love.”

Cas nodded. “I thought you might be uncomfortable with it. You don’t have to, Dean.”

“You think I should,” Dean surmised.

Cas sighed. “I think… I think you should hear Charlie out when she comes later today, and then I will support whatever decision you make.”

“Cas, what do _you_ think, though?”

“Scandal doesn’t go away when you ignore it. It makes people want to keep digging. Facing it head on is usually better. I found that out after the pictures with Meg. If it was just this piece… maybe ignoring it until it went away would work, but I don’t think they’re going to stop here,” Cas told him. 

“You think they’re going to pay more people to write these kinds of articles?”

Cas shrugged. “I wish I could say they wouldn’t, but I honestly don’t know. I expect I’ll get my own hit piece soon. It’ll be harder for them to target me, though, because most of my “scandals” are already known. They don’t necessarily have to stay within the realm of truth, though.”

“So… What about the second part? How are you planning to warn them off?”

“Baby, if you think _you_ have skeletons…” Cas shook his head. “We were going to start at Lovett or Leave It. I’m going to disclaim a few minor, embarrassing things, just to remind them that I know a lot of their hidden baggage. Charlie is going to look to find something bigger, something we can use to keep them quiet.”

“So...Blackmail?”

“Blackmail to stop them from bribing people to defame us, yes,” Cas said.

“This sounds dangerous, Cas.”

“I don’t know what else to do,” Cas said. “Politics is messy. They’re not going to stop unless we do something to stop them.”

“Can’t you just...expose them?”

“If Charlie finds something that’s obviously criminal, that’s an option,” Cas said. “But exposing some things would just make them escalate, whereas letting them know we have our own ammunition if they do anything could get them to hold off.”

Dean frowned. “I guess. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Cas’s eyes turned icy as he said, “They went after _you,_ Dean. They already hurt me. I _wish_ they’d written about me instead.”

Dean sighed and placed his hand over Cas’s. “I trust you, Cas. I’ll follow your lead here.”

Cas shifted his hand under Dean’s until he was able to lace their fingers together. “I don’t want you to follow my lead, Dean. I want your input. I have no idea what I’m doing here, either.”

Dean squeezed Cas’s hand and said, “Then we’ll figure it out together.”

Cas flashed him a lopsided smile that Dean really wanted to kiss.

“So...what time is this Charlie coming?” Dean asked.

“Not until this evening. She is taking a flight here from New York,” Cas answered.

Dean raised both eyebrows in surprise. “That’s dedication.”

“She is being paid, Dean. A lot. But yes, she was very insistent on getting to work immediately,” Cas replied.

Dean nodded. “So… If she’s not here until tonight, does that mean I could convince you to come back to bed with me?”

Cas smiled again as he teased, “What’s in it for me?”

“Mmm, I dunno, baby, but it’s a rare Sunday that we don’t have Ben, and I was _planning_ to take advantage of us having an entire day without work or a kid.”

“Oh yeah, what were you thinking of doing?” Cas asked. “Want to play Twister?”

“Naked Twister, yeah,” Dean said.

Cas stood up and held his hand out for Dean, who promptly took it and was drawn into a tight embrace.

Cas whispered in his ear, “We don’t have a Twister board.”

“You can be my Twister board, baby,” Dean whispered back, before firmly grabbing Cas’s behind. “Right hand, ass.”

Cas laughed and drew Dean into a heated kiss. _This_ was the kind of morning Dean had been hoping for.


	31. Chapter 31 (February 16 - 17, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-One**

_(Cas)_

Cas wasn’t really sure what he expected Charlie to look like, but it certainly wasn’t a girl in her early twenties with fiery red hair wearing a blue hoodie over a Princess Leia shirt with a pair of headphones hanging around her neck.

Almost immediately after entering the apartment, she took her laptop out and placed it open on the kitchen table.

“Wi-Fi password?” Charlie asked.

Cas cringed, as he always did when he had to give someone his WiFi password. He really needed to change it. “GreatBigBagOfDicks, one word, first letter of each word capitalized.”

Charlie seemed unphased by the password, but Cas still felt the need to explain. “My brother, Gabriel, set it up.”

At that, a smile spread across Charlie’s face. “Oooh, I’ve done a couple jobs for your brother. Always an _interesting_ experience.”

“What have you done for Gabe?” Dean asked.

“Hacker/client confidentiality, I’m afraid,” Charlie replied with a wink.

“Hacker? Is this all...legal?” Cas asked.

“The less you know about my methods, the better, my dudes,” she said. “So! We need to talk.”

Cas glanced over at Dean, who seemed more amused than concerned.

“Right, so,” Charlie said, turning the computer around to face them. “I did some more snooping while waiting for my flight, and I found some shit.”

Cas looked at the screen, but he couldn’t make out what he was looking at. She had pulled up two spreadsheets and put them side by side.

“This is Lee’s call history,” Charlie explained, pointing to the spreadsheet on the left. 

“The only interesting thing is _this_ call,” Charlie said, highlighting a call that lasted nearly an hour from a DC number.

Cas squinted. “Okay…”

“Right, the interesting part is that _this_ is Uriel’s call history,” Charlie said, pointing to the spreadsheet on the right. She did a search for the number she’d pointed out in Lee’s call history. 

“In the past six months, that number called Uriel’s number _thirty-seven_ times. All except for two of those calls happened after you wrote your first piece for Crooked Media. And one day in particular stands out…”

Cas leaned in, suddenly extremely interested.

Charlie scrolled down until she reached February 11, which Cas immediately recognized as the day John died and Uriel took their picture. He exchanged a glance with Dean.

“He made _six_ calls with that number that night, varying in length from a couple minutes to half an hour,” Charlie said. “What time approximately do you think the picture was taken?”

“Probably ‘round 8 or so,” Dean said.

“Well, the first call happens at 8:43,” Charlie pointed out.

“I knew Uriel didn’t do it on his own,” Cas muttered.

“Well, see, this is where things get even more interesting,” Charlie said. “That number is registered to Nick Vaught.”

Cas furrowed his brow. “Who is Nick Vaught?”

“That’s where the mystery deepens, my friend. Nick Vaught died in 2009,” Charlie said.

“So who is really using that phone?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know. _Yet,_ ” Charlie said. “I haven’t had time to do much digging yet. I tried calling it on one of my burner phones to see who answered, but nobody picked up. I imagine they know better than to pick up unknown numbers, though.”

“It _has_ to be Luke or someone connected to Luke,” Cas said.

“Don’t you worry. I _will_ find out who is behind the shell company and the mystery phone. I just need a little time to do my magic,” Charlie said. “But now, we need to discuss the other matter at hand: damage control. We need to figure out how to respond to Lee’s article.”

Dean groaned.

“The internet demands a response,” Charlie said with a shrug. “And not just a response, but an _immediate_ response, or as immediate as possible. The longer you go without saying anything, the more they think you’re ashamed or have something to hide.”

“I don’t really know if I’m comfortable sharing details about my private life with the world,” Dean said.

“Hey, I’m not forcing a gun to your head here. You don’t have to include anything you’re uncomfortable with. But your private life has already been spilled, so why not tell the larger story in a way that will explain it?”

Dean shrugged. “I guess.”

“I’ll work through it with you,” Charlie said.

Cas came up behind Dean, wrapped his arms around Dean’s middle, and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. 

“I’ll be here too, sweetheart,” Cas said as Dean leaned his head back against Cas’s.

“Oh, you guys are _adorable_ ,” Charlie said. “Let’s kick this in the ass.”

For the next four hours, Dean painfully went through the details of his history he felt somewhat comfortable sharing. Cas could tell how hard it was for him to answer Charlie’s probing questions, but Charlie always respected when Dean refused to answer.

Somehow, eventually, the piece got written, and even though Cas had been part of the writing process, he still cried when he read the finished draft. It was deeply personal and moving, and he really had no idea how anyone could read it and do anything other than admire his incredible boyfriend.

The next day, after getting the approval of everyone named in the article other than Lee, the article was published.

#  **Lee Webb Was My First Gay Experience (And Other More Important Things About Me)**

By Dean Winchester 

_On November 2, 1997, my parents awoke to the sound of fire alarms and the smell of smoke. My mom ran towards the source of the fire, which started in my six month old brother’s nursery due to some faulty wiring. My dad ran to get me out of my room. I can vividly remember my father coming into my room and scooping me up into his arms as we heard screams from the other room._

_My father ran with me in his arms toward the nursery. My mother had been able to save Sam from the crib and was using her body to shield him from the flames. Dad put me down as she passed Sam to him. My father then passed Sam to me, and yelled, “Take your brother outside as fast as you can. Don’t look back. Now, Dean, go!”_

_I ran as fast as my four year old legs could go down the stairs and out of the house. I could hear the screams of my Dad calling out for my mother, and the screams of my mother burning to death. I watched as my Dad ran out of the house with badly burned clothes and a wild, horrified look on his face. I watched as flames blew out the window in the nursery, and then eventually overtook the whole house._

_The Lawrence Fire Department arrived, but it was too late. My mother was gone. I didn’t know it yet, but my father was gone, too. He sank into the bottle, and he never returned. We spent the next several years moving constantly, as my father would lose his job or lose our housing, inevitably due to his drinking. Sometimes he would leave for weeks at a time, leaving us with random people we barely knew, or sometimes alone in a hotel room. Sometimes we’d run out of food or money, and I’d have to get creative. No matter what, I had a job to do: Take care of Sammy._

_Things started to change when I turned sixteen. We moved to Sioux Falls and stayed with an old family friend, Bobby. At first, we all expected this to be a temporary move. Dad started working at Bobby’s auto repair shop, but it wasn’t long before he was caught stealing and Bobby let him go. We all thought that meant it would be time to move on again._

_Instead of kicking us out, Bobby kicked my father out. He told him to come back when he was ready to be a real father. That day would never come. Sam and I lived with Bobby for the next few years, and for the first time in my life, I felt secure. Safe. I no longer had to worry about finding food for Sam, making sure we had enough money to pay rent, or making sure he got to school. For the first time since I was four years old, I was given the chance to not have to worry about making it through to the next day. I could just...be a teenager._

_And with that newfound freedom, I found rebellion. I still made sure to go to my job at Bobby’s auto shop, but other than that, I let loose. I was tired of having to play it safe, so I stopped worrying about consequences. I partied, I slept around, I drank, I dropped out of school. On a number of occasions, Bobby tried to stop my behavior, but I was not used to having a parent that cared, and I ignored him._

_It was in this headspace that I met Lee. Lee was the embodiment of the “cool kid” I was trying to be. I looked up to him, and wanted to impress him with how fearless and bold I could be. I’m not going to deny any of what Lee wrote in his article. I was an immature, screwed up teenager, and my actions reflected that._

_Lee was not the first man I had been attracted to (Hello, Harrison Ford), but he was the first man I felt any sexual urges for. It confused me, because I still very, very much enjoyed the company of women. I did not yet fully understand the concept of bisexuality, and I was petrified about the possibility of being gay. I worried what it meant for my masculinity. I worried that it would ruin my image and reputation. I worried, most of all, what my father would think. And yet...the body wants what it wants, and I gave in to the urges. Often._

_Lee ends his piece by saying our sexual relationship ended after I got a girl pregnant. What he doesn’t say is how becoming a father transformed my entire life. He does not elaborate about how my son made me reevaluate my choices and learn to be a better person. It took time and a lot of help from the people who loved me, but I gave up my teenage rebellion and wholeheartedly took on the role of Dad. More than anything, I wanted to be the father for my son that I wish I could have had._

_I am not proud of many of the choices I made as a teenager, but I will not ever regret them. They shaped who I am today._

_They helped me get over my internalized homophobia, which allowed me to accept myself and find the love of my life._

_They gave me my son, the most important person in the world to me._

_The main thing I’ve learned from living through my past is that sometimes you need to fall in order to rise to be the person you’re meant to be. Thank you, Lee Webb, for giving me the opportunity to fall._

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean as Charlie uploaded the piece.

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispered into Dean’s ear.

Cas shared the piece on his Twitter, and soon it was spreading through social media at a rapid pace. Charlie watched from her laptop, occasionally reporting new developments to them. She seemed pleased at the response they were getting, which was good, because Cas could see the toll sharing his story had taken on Dean. There were some extremely homophobic and abusive comments, but the majority of the responses were positive.

While brainstorming and writing the piece, Dean had looked uncomfortable and exposed, his body rigid and his voice flat. But as Charlie started to read aloud responses from people who the article resonated with personally, Cas watched as Dean’s body language started to relax. Cas could hardly believe the bravery it must have taken to share something so personal, and he made sure Dean knew how deeply proud of him he was.


	32. Chapter 32 (February 18, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Two**

_(Dean)_

The last few days had been complete chaos. He’d been so stuck in his own little world that he hadn’t really considered what rejoining his normal life would be like.

It was his first time going back to work since his father died and he’d been outed to the world as Cas’s boyfriend. Rufus had given him time off to get everything settled, but he couldn’t avoid his job forever.

Or his coworkers.

He got along with almost all of his coworkers, but he’d never gotten particularly close to any of them. He’d definitely not gotten close enough to any of them to tell them about Cas. He honestly had no idea how many of his coworkers might be homophobic, but based on the chatter he occasionally overheard in the break room, he thought that some of them might be. 

Especially Gordon, the one coworker he hated. He was constantly spewing misogynistic and homophobic bullshit, and it was the main reason Dean avoided socializing with his coworkers. It was a very different atmosphere than Bobby’s repair shop had been, where he was close friends with nearly all of the other employees. The only one he knew for sure wouldn’t reject him was Garth, who seemed incapable of ever saying anything negative about anyone.

His only hope was that somehow none of them paid any attention to politics and hadn’t heard about it, but that hope was soon dashed when he found his locker covered in pictures of him with Cas. He sighed and took them down, only keeping the picture that Cas had posted of them on Twitter, and hanging it up inside his locker. They may have meant to embarrass him with the pictures, but he could actually really use a reminder of Cas to look at on that day.

“So...Are you like the first-son-in-law now?” Victor asked, and Dean tensed.

“Don’t think that’s a thing, and I think we’d have to be married if it was a thing,” Dean said with a neutral voice, trying to avoid a confrontation.

Victor smiled and clapped Dean on the shoulder. “I’m just messing with you, man. I don’t give two shits who you love.”

Dean relaxed. “Thanks, man.”

“I thought you guys looked very sweet in those pictures,” Garth said, and as usual, there wasn’t a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“Uh, thanks,” Dean said.

Garth moved closer and pulled Dean into a tight hug. Dean stood motionless as Garth continued to hug him. He eventually gave two awkward back pats to Garth, which finally got Garth to let go.

“I read your article,” Garth said. “I’m sorry to hear about your parents.”

Dean sighed and mumbled, “Thanks, Garth.”

“Oh, I read your little article too,” Gordon said as he entered the room. Dean could already feel the headache building.

“Think I preferred Lee’s article, though. Did you like being his little fucktoy?”

Dean clenched his fist. “I’m going to go do some fucking work.”

As he was walking away, Gordon yelled out, “What’s stuck up your ass, Winchester? Oh, sorry, my bad. I forgot it was a _dick._ ”

Dean went to go look at what work orders there were for him to fulfill, and put his headphones on to push out everything else while he did his job. He was still working and avoiding everyone when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find Tara with a bag of food from the diner he’d often go to for lunch when he wanted to treat himself. She gestured toward it and raised an eyebrow at him. She’d never brought him food before, so Dean took his headphones out and asked, “You got Biggerson’s?”

“Got you a bacon cheeseburger and fries,” she says.

Dean made a noise of approval. “Thanks, Tara.”

“Not so fast. You only get this if you take a lunch break and talk to me,” Tara said.

Dean didn’t really want to talk, but he nodded, not wanting to walk away from her kindness _or_ from a bacon cheeseburger. He followed Tara as she led him out to the picnic table behind the garage. It was a bit cold to eat outside, but he appreciated that she was trying to give him privacy.

Tara handed him the food and said, “You know, it’s not always easy being the only girl in a workplace.”

Dean nodded. “I imagine. I’m sorry, Tara.”

“Not your fault,” she said. “The only reason I’m out here with you and bringing you a cheeseburger is that you’ve never treated me differently than anyone else. Unlike _some_ people.”

“You mean Gordon,” Dean stated.

She nodded. “And Kubrick, just because he does whatever Gordon does.”

“You should tell Rufus about it,” Dean said.

She raised an eyebrow. “You planning to tell Rufus what they did to you?”

Dean shook his head. “You mean the locker thing?” 

“The locker thing, screaming you have a dick up your ass, calling you Deanna…”

Dean groaned. “They’re calling me Deanna?”

“They’ve been calling you Deanna since the first picture leaked. Kubrick found it, and Gordon showed it to everyone,” she told him. “I told them to stop, and Gordon told me to stop being a little bitch.”

“Great,” Dean said.

Tara frowned. “I didn’t mean to make you feel worse, Dean. Nobody cares other than Gordon and Kubrick. I’m happy for you, in fact.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Dean said.

“I got you a cheeseburger to show you that you have friends here, and we’re willing to listen,” Tara said. “Garth has been worrying about you while you were gone. If I’m being honest, I have too.”

“I’m alright,” Dean said.

At Tara’s skeptical look, he said, “I’m not saying it’s been an easy few days, but I’m managing. In some ways, it’s a relief. At least now I don’t have to spend every moment paranoid that it’s going to leak.”

“Yeah, I imagine keeping a secret like that isn’t easy,” Tara said. 

“And also, you know, have you seen Cas? I don’t mind the world knowing I managed to trick him into being with me,” Dean said with a grin.

Tara laughed. “He _is_ hot.”

“And very taken, so keep your hands to yourself,” Dean said.

She raised her hands in surrender, and Dean laughed.

“Thanks, Tara. I really appreciate you doing this,” he said.

“That’s what friends are for, Dean,” Tara replied. “We should get back to our jobs, though.”

Dean nodded and gathered his wrappers to put in the trash. He ignored Gordon’s stare as he went back to the car he was working on. As long as he had allies in the garage, he didn’t really care if some assholes wanted to obsess over his sex life.


	33. Chapter 33 (February 18 - 27, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Three**

_(Cas)_

Cas gave Charlie free rein with his Twitter account, and she made him accounts on what seemed to be every other social media site. She created a website for him where people could get links to his research and all his public interviews and public statements. She even made a merch page where people could buy shirts, hats, scarves, and stickers with the proceeds going towards Sierra Club and Run For Something.

It was weird having someone else manage his public image, but it was also a relief to not have to worry about it himself. He still occasionally posted himself, or asked Charlie to post something specifically, but he mostly let her do her thing. And Charlie doing her own thing very quickly increased his popularity, with his number of followers tripling within a week of her taking over his Twitter account.

She also took on the blessed job of screening for hate mail. She had to forward twelve different emails to the FBI for containing death threats. She’d quickly confiscated both his and Dean’s phones and added extra layers of security, while still warning them not to send anything over a phone that they wouldn’t want to be made public.

Dean, for his part, seemed to be handling everything remarkably well. He’d been worried about his job, but there were only a couple coworkers that were being shits about their relationship, and Dean hated them before any of this happened. In fact, Dean coming out had led to him becoming closer with a few of his colleagues. Rufus especially appreciated Dean’s newfound fame, because it gathered attention and customers for the garage, most of whom were young women. 

None of Cas’s cohort seemed to care at all, as they had long since gotten over the novelty of his fame. The only difference he could tell was from other grad students and professors who appreciated that he was trying to educate the public about climate change. Nobody seemed to care about his relationship with Dean, except for Muriel, who seemed overly excited and emotionally invested in it. He supposed that was the benefit of being at a university setting, and especially one near San Francisco. The usual attitudes here were a lot different than the attitudes he’d grown up with.

The last Thursday in February, Cas flew down to Los Angeles for his Lovett or Leave It episode. The next Tuesday was Super Tuesday, which was likely to decide who the Democratic nominee would be, which meant that the majority of the pod would be focused around the primaries. They had, however, planned one game, and he had worked with Anna and Charlie to choose exactly what they wanted to include in the game. He felt terrified, as he’d never spoken in front of a physical audience this large before, except when he was a child and had to sit on stage at some of his father’s events to show his support.

He started to feel better when he got to the Hollywood Improv and met up with Jon Lovett, who was _thrilled_ to be including their game idea in his show.

“I really _can not_ wait,” Lovett said. “I really just want to picture their dumb fucking faces when they hear this.”

Eventually it was time for the show to start, and Lovett got on the stage. 

“Good evening, _Los Angeles._ The last show before Super Tuesday, and all of you had _better_ be voting in the California primary tomorrow,” Lovett greeted.

He did some quick housekeeping notes about upcoming shows and podcasts, where to get information about the primaries, and a thank you message to people who had gotten involved.

“Alright, let’s get into it. What a week,” Lovett said. “This week, Nevada and South Carolina had their primaries, delivering big wins for Joe Biden, we had our tenth Democratic primary debate, and the House held hearings about why, exactly, the administration hasn’t been providing medicine or beds for migrant children detained at the border, which has led to several deaths. _Very_ pro-life of them.”

“Let’s welcome our panel,” Lovett said and Cas moved to get ready to go on stage as Lovett introduced the other panelists before saying, “He’s a climate scientist and member of our favorite political family, please welcome Castiel Shurley.”

Castiel walked onto the stage to cheers and found his seat, waving at the crowd. 

“Hi, Cas, how you doing?” Lovett said.

“Oh, you know. Things have been pretty boring for me lately,” Cas said to laughs from the crowd.

The panel talked about the events of the week, and what they thought they meant for who was likely to be the eventual Democratic nominee. They also discussed the other news of the week, and Cas found himself following Charlie’s advice to just pretend the audience wasn’t there and he was just at home talking about the news with Dean. As time went on, and as he got laughs from the crowd, he found himself becoming more comfortable on the stage. 

They played a game of “Ok, Stop” where they played a video of Michael on Jake Tapper’s show, trying to defend the administration’s policies at the border while Jake stared at him incredulously. During the clip, panelists could say “ok, stop” to stop the clip and discuss what they saw. Cas stopped in the middle of the video and talked about how it reminded him of the time Michael crashed their mother’s car and tried to blame it on Luke. 

“That’s what he looks like when he lies,” Cas said. “Whenever you accuse him of something that he knows is true, he always looks so deeply, gravely offended and shocked that you’d accuse him of it. Which, I suppose, is better than Luke who lies as easily as he breathes.”

“Ooh, this is some good shit,” Lovett said.

After the clip was over, Lovett said, “When we come back, we’re gonna play a game!”

There was a brief break where they chatted with the live crowd for a couple minutes before going back to recording, and then it was finally time for the game.

“And we’re back! It’s time for a game we’re calling _Surely You Know The Shurleys._ Here’s how it works. I will read out something that a Shurley family member has done, and then you’ll have to guess which family member did it. Our guest, Castiel, and his dear sister, Anna, delved deep into their brain meats to remember some truly outrageous, previously unreported moments from their childhood. Would someone out there like to play?” 

A sea of hands shot up, and a volunteer chose someone to give a microphone and bring up to play.

“Hi, what’s your name?” Lovett said as the audience member grabbed the microphone.

“Casey,” the woman answered.

“Casey, great. You’ve got a Lovett or Leave It hat, so I can tell you’re a smart and perceptive person. Here’s how it works. I’ll read out an action, and you have to decide which Shurley family member is responsible for it. Are you ready?”

“Uhh, I guess so!”

"As the youngest child, Castiel was the victim of many pranks. Which Shurley family member pranked him by putting kool aid in the shower head?" Lovett asked.

“Oh, that’s got to be Gabriel,” Casey said.

A buzzer sounded, indicating an incorrect answer.

“Sorry, Casey, the correct answer was our very own Anna,” Lovett said.

“Generally, Gabriel would be the best guess for pranks, but this one was _definitely_ the work of my sister,” Cas elaborated. 

Lovett proceeded to ask the next question. “Which Shurley family member wanted to set up an exorcism after Castiel came out as bisexual to his family?” 

“Uh… Chuck?”

The buzzer went off again.

“Casey, no… You’re really not doing well here. The correct answer is our loving and kind First Lady, Naomi.”

“My father’s response was actually basically, ‘Well, you’re bisexual, so you can just stick to women in public.’ I don’t think he ever really cared as long as nobody found out,” Cas said. “My mother, though...Very different story.”

“Which Shurley family member stole money from their mother’s purse and then used that money to bribe a nanny to leave for the night so that they could throw a party?”

“ _That_ has to be Gabe,” Casey said.

There was a ding sound, indicating Casey’s first correct answer.

“You got it,” Lovett said. “Which two Shurley family members once got into a fight that ended with one of them getting a black eye and a couple broken ribs, and the other one getting a broken nose and a dislocated shoulder?”

“Oh… this is tough,” Casey said. “I’m gonna say Luke and… Gabriel?”

_Buzz._

“I’m sorry, Casey, but the correct answer is Michael and Luke,” Lovett said to gasps from the crowd.

“They might be political allies _now_ , but they _hated_ each other when they were younger. That was just one of _many_ fights,” Cas explained.

"Which family member missed Castiel's tenth birthday to meet with a pro-confederacy group that's been labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center?"

“Oh, Chuck for sure,” Casey said.

_Ding._

“To be fair, I think he forgot it was my birthday,” Cas said.

“Wait...“ Lovett laughed. “You’re defending him meeting with a hate group because he _didn’t know_ it was your birthday? Is forgetting your birthday supposed to make it _better?_ ” 

“I suppose not,” Cas said with a shrug. 

Lovett laughed again and shook his head. “Okay, okay. Which Shurley family member once pooped their pants on stage at a campaign event when Chuck was running for governor?”

“Oh… Um. Gabriel?”

_Buzz._

“Wrong again, Casey. Cas, would you like to say who the culprit was?” Lovett asked.

“It was me,” Cas admitted. “I was six and had a really bad stomach virus. Thankfully, I was wearing a coat, and I don’t think anybody off the stage noticed.”

Lovett laughed. “Thanks so much for sharing your traumatic poop story, Cas.”

“Alright, last question, Casey. Which Shurley sibling killed a rat and then placed it under Michael’s pillow?”

“Oh, I guess...was it Luke?”

_Ding._

“It sure was! Luke, the rat murderer, terrorizing his brother, a glorious image,” Lovett said. “Casey, you’ve won the game!”

After finishing the part of the podcast that he was worried about, the rest of it went by quickly and relatively painlessly. He got to rant during the rant wheel about how people talked about climate change like it was a future problem rather than a current problem, even as they watched Australia and California burn, and saw rising sea levels already making many areas lose large parts of their land. 

He was surprised how swiftly he’d been able to adjust to the public attention, but the cheers and laughs from the crowd made it easier for him to open up. He knew there’d be a backlash for the secrets he uncovered, but he also knew that his family was aware that there was a lot more that he could have said, but chose not to. Especially when it came to Luke, there were a _lot_ of things he could have said that would have been much worse, many of which could have caused serious legal trouble for his brother. He knew Luke knew that, and hoped that he would take the warning shot for what it was.


	34. Chapter 34 (February 19 - April 28, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Four**

_ (Dean) _

It was still weird to Dean when people recognized him, and even weirder when someone wanted his autograph. It happened for the first time at a coffee shop, while he was waiting for his order. Some nervous girl who couldn’t have been more than 17 asked for his autograph, and Dean had agreed despite being seriously confused about why she’d want the autograph of someone who is only known for dating somebody who happens to be the son of the President.

Since then, it had happened another two times. Dean still wasn’t sure why people cared about him at all. For the most part, he tried to ignore the attention, but it was still always surreal when it would catch up to him in a way he couldn’t avoid.

Other than the newfound fame, things went back to some sense of normalcy. He went to work every work day and had Ben over every weekend. The only differences in his day to day life were the ability to be publicly affectionate with Cas, the need to shield Ben from the press, and the constant paranoid feeling that he was being watched or followed any time he was in public. 

Pictures of Dean and Cas with Ben started leaking online, and it pissed Dean off that they would not respect Ben’s privacy. Even after Charlie posted a message over their social media accounts asking people not to share photographs that included Ben’s face, pictures still found a way to surface. The only bright side was that Ben did not seem to care at all. On the contrary, he found it “cool.” Lisa and Matt found it decidedly less cool.

As time went on, even as Cas put out more articles and did more interviews critiquing the administration for a variety of media outlets, attention started to somewhat move off of them. The novelty had worn off, and they were no longer the main story. It seemed like Cas’s warning shots had worked, because there hadn’t been any new negative articles planted about them other than the usual right wing garbage sites that just negatively portrayed everything that was already public or made things up entirely. 

At the same time, Chuck’s administration was pushing closer to war with Iran, there were ongoing human rights violations at the southern border, and reproductive and LGBTQ rights were under constant attack. The primaries were well under way, and it was clear that the nominee was either going to be Joe Biden or Elizabeth Warren. These became the major political stories.

On April first, they found a dead rat on the doormat outside their apartment. Dean thought it was just someone’s idea of an April Fools joke, but Cas was convinced it was a message from Luke, especially since he’d shared the story about Luke putting the rat under Michael’s pillow. Dean pointed out that he shared that story  _ publicly _ and therefore anyone could be playing off of it. 

Cas wasn’t so sure, and got Charlie to add a camera outside their door. Even though anybody who wanted to get in to their apartment first needed to be buzzed in by the doorman, then had to have a passcode to get specifically to Cas’s floor, and then they also had a security system that needed to be disarmed inside the apartment, Cas still started talking about getting a new place.

“I only wanted this place so that the secret service agents could have the units next to us, anyway,” Cas said. “And we could have more privacy with a house.”

Dean didn’t disagree. He wanted a house too, but there was already so much going on, and it seemed like overkill to worry about it immediately just because of an April Fool’s prank. He really didn’t want to go through the effort of moving. Thankfully, Cas was even busier than he was and seemed to put the idea on the backburner as time passed and there weren’t any more incidents other than the usual barrage of hate mail that Charlie catalogued for them.

Sam’s birthday was the first Saturday in May, and Sam and Jess were hosting a party with a professional mixologist they’d hired to craft custom cocktails for each of the guests. Dean fretted about going to the party, since he would have Ben that day, and it was definitely not a child-friendly party. However, he’d also never missed celebrating his brother’s birthday before.

“Dean, just go,” Cas urged. “I can watch Ben for the night.”

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Are you sure?”

“Sweetheart, he’s been here every weekend for months. I think I can handle it. And he’s going to be eight in a couple weeks, he’s not a baby,” Cas said.

“Okay,” Dean said. “I guess it will be okay.”

Cas raised an eyebrow. “Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, of course I trust you,” Dean replied. “You’ve just never been alone with him before, and…”

“I promise you that I will not feed him candy for dinner or let him watch any R rated movies,” Cas said.

Dean’s shoulders sagged and he pulled Cas into a hug. “Thank you, baby.”

“Anytime, Dean,” Cas said. He placed a kiss to Dean’s lips and then said, “I mean it, Dean. Anytime.”

Dean wouldn’t admit it to Cas, but he was worried about how Cas’s first babysitting adventure would go. He knew that Ben was sometimes obstinate and manipulative with babysitters in a way he never was with him or Lisa. He knew Ben liked Cas, but he also knew Ben liked to try to get away with things with babysitters. Still, Cas  _ had _ been around him every weekend for months and knew his usual rules and routines, so maybe he would have better luck. Either way, Dean knew he had to trust that Cas could handle it, even if he still made him promise to call if there was even the slightest trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really think Warren has a huge chance of becoming the nominee in reality, but this is my AU, so... apparently she has a better chance against Chuck.


	35. Chapter 35 (May 2, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Five**

_(Cas)_

As much as Cas tried to reassure Dean that he’d be okay as a babysitter, he was secretly quite terrified of the task. If anything went wrong, Dean would never trust him with Ben again, and may never trust him again at all, period.

And perhaps, maybe, he was also concerned with winning Ben’s approval.

Dean took Ben to the arcade for the afternoon while Cas finished up some work. When Dean came home, he once again repeated Ben’s schedule and allergies to Cas, even though they were definitely all things that Cas already knew.

“Relax, honey. I know,” Cas said, pulling Dean in for a kiss. “We’ll be fine.”

Dean nodded. “Right. I know, you’re awesome.”

Dean turned to Ben and said, “Okay, Benosaurus, I’m gonna need a big hug goodbye.”

Ben rushed forward and gave his Dad a hug, and Dean kissed the top of his head. 

“Give Uncle Sam the birthday card I made him,” Ben demanded. “And tell him he _has_ to come to _my_ birthday party next weekend.”

Dean pulled the card slightly out of his jacket pocket to show Ben he had it and said, “I will. I promise. And Sam would never miss his favorite birthday buddy’s party. Have a good time with Cas, and you’d better be in bed when I get home.”

Ben nodded his head. “I’ll get Cas in bed at a reasonable hour.”

Dean and Cas both laughed, and Dean ruffled Ben’s hair. “Okay, kiddo. I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you, bud.”

“Love you too, Dad,” Ben said.

Dean turned to Cas and gave him a brief kiss. “Good luck, babe. Love you.”

“Love you too, Dean.” Cas said, leaning in for another peck. “Have fun.”

After Dean left, Ben asked if they could play _Overcooked_ on the Switch, and Cas agreed. Although Cas’s video game skills had slowly improved since being introduced to Ben, they were still sorely lacking, and led to Ben laughing as his ineptitude led to the entire kitchen ending up on fire in the game.

Eventually, Cas realized it was past seven and got up to make dinner, and Ben switched to playing _Let’s Go Eevee_. Ben never seemed to like when Cas questioned the morality of Pokemon, but he still couldn’t help himself.

“I still think it’s very rude to force your pets to fight,” Cas said.

Ben rolled his eyes. “They’re Pokemon, not pets! They like fighting!”

Cas tilted his head. “Do they, though?”

“Caaaas,” Ben complained, and Cas laughed as he walked into the kitchen.

He didn’t have nearly the skill that Dean had in the kitchen, and settled for cooking some boxed macaroni and cheese. Trying to make the meal slightly more healthy, he also cut up some carrot and celery sticks to go on the side. 

Luckily, Ben didn’t complain about the lackluster meal, but he did complain about being asked to leave his game and come to the table.

“You know we eat dinner at the table. We never let you play games during dinner,” Cas said.

“But Dad’s not here! We can make our own rules!” Ben protested.

“ _Ben_ ,” Cas chastised, and Ben sighed and moved to the table.

“Can I have some soda?” Ben asked.

Cas raised an eyebrow. “No, but I can get you some juice or milk.”

Ben sighed dramatically. “ _Juice_ , I guess.”

Cas came back with some strawberry juice and placed it in front of Ben.

“Thanks,” Ben said.

Cas smiled. “You’re welcome, Ben.”

“After dinner, can we do the glass firework thing again?” Ben asked.

“Yes,” Cas answered happily, thrilled that he’d found a way to connect with Ben by showing him simple science experiments.

Once dinner was over, Cas filled a tall glass with warm water, and then poured a small amount of oil into a bowl. He let Ben add a few drops of food coloring to the oil and then stir it together. Then he let Ben pour the colored oil into the glass of water, and watched the “fireworks.” Ben’s mouth parted slightly and his eyes were wide as he watched the colors explode. 

“Awesome,” he said. “How does it work?”

“Oil and water don’t mix, and oil is less dense than water and floats as a layer on top of it. But the food coloring is water based and does not mix with the oil, so it sinks through the oil to the water below, but since the addition of coloring makes it heavier than water, it sinks all the way to the bottom, leaving trails that look like fireworks as some of the color diffuses into the water,” Cas explained.

“Cool,” Ben said. “Can we do the melting colored ice thing now?”

Cas shook his head. “No, I need to have some ice frozen in bowls already in order to do that, and besides, it’s time for you to get ready for bed.”

Ben groaned. “Can we just watch one show before bed?”

“No, Ben. Go brush your teeth and get in your PJs and we’ll have reading time, like always,” Cas said.

“Just a YouTube video?” Ben pleaded.

Cas took in a deep breath and said, _“Ben._ Bathroom. Now.”

Ben scrunched his face up in distaste, but still went to do what Cas said. It wasn’t long before Ben screamed “ready!” and Cas went to join him in bed for a story.

They were reading the third Harry Potter book. Whenever Dean would read to Ben, he’d use a different voice for each character, and Cas tried to follow Dean’s lead, which led to Ben laughing hysterically at many of his vocalization choices.

When they were done reading the chapter, Ben asked, “Can we read another chapter, Cas? _Please?_ ”

“You always get one chapter at night,” Cas said.

“Just this once, Cas, _please_?” Ben begged.

Cas glanced at his phone, saw it was almost 8:30 and that Ben definitely should start trying to sleep, but…Ben was snuggled up against him, warm and enraptured with the story, and Cas rarely got the chance to be this close to him.

Cas sighed. “Okay, just this once.”

He read through the next chapter, and managed to ignore Ben’s pleas for _another_ chapter afterwards.

“Goodnight, Ben,” he said as he got up.

“Hey, Cas?”

Cas glanced back at Ben. “Yeah?”

“Dad always gives me a good night kiss,” Ben said.

Cas felt his heart jump, and he couldn’t stop the smile that came over his face as he leaned down to press a kiss to Ben’s forehead.

“Sleep well, Ben. I love you,” Cas said.

“Love you too,” Ben said sleepily as he rolled onto his side.

Cas gave one more parting glance at Ben before leaving the room. He hadn’t really expected babysitting to hit him so emotionally, but for the first time, he really felt like a _father_. Also for the first time, he wondered if Dean ever wanted more children. He’d be content if Dean decided he never wanted any more kids, but… Cas really kind of wanted the experience of raising a kid with Dean. He hadn’t even realized how much he wanted it until just that moment, but suddenly the thought consumed him.


	36. Chapter 36 (May 3, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Six**

_(Dean)_

Dean didn’t get back to the apartment until nearly one AM, having had to wait until he was sober enough to drive before coming back home. He first checked on Ben, and smiled as he saw his son fast asleep in his bed, cuddled up with a stuffed hedgehog toy Dean had won for him at a fair three years ago. Ben always looked so much younger in his sleep, and it always tugged at Dean’s heartstrings. 

He went into his and Cas’s bedroom next, and was surprised to see Cas awake and reading.

“You’re up late,” Dean said.

Cas put the book down and said, “Couldn’t sleep. How was the party?”

Dean kicked off his shoes and removed his clothing as he said, “Went well. Jess braided Sam’s hair, which was hilarious. Then I crushed everyone at Cards Against Humanity.”

“Mmm, does that mean you’re a horrible person?” Cas asked.

“I suppose,” Dean said as he got into bed and snuggled up to Cas. “How was Ben? Was he a little terror?”

“He was great,” Cas said and his face lit up in a genuine smile.

“Yeah? He didn’t try to make you bend the rules?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. “I didn’t say that.”

Dean laughed. “And did you, in fact, bend the rules?”

“Mmm, just an extra chapter at bedtime,” Cas said. 

“No s’mores for dinner, though?” Dean asked. “He somehow managed to convince one babysitter that we regularly had s’mores for dinner once.”

“Nope, just mac and cheese, and I even gave him some vegetables,” Cas said.

Dean kissed Cas and said, “My hero.”

“Dean…” Cas said with a slightly wary tone.

“What is it, babe?” Dean asked, sitting up straight.

“I was just wondering…” Cas took a deep breath. “Do you want more kids?”

Dean’s heart started beating faster. _Yes_ , his head screamed, but he was unsure why Cas was asking. “Um, do you?”

Cas sounded nervous as he said, “Dean… I know you already have Ben, so I’d understand if you don’t want more, but…”

“I do!” Dean interjected. “I really, really do. God, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of raising kids with you since Christmas.”

Cas’s face lit up. “You have?”

“Yeah, baby,” Dean said with a lopsided grin. “There’s so much I never got the chance to do with Ben, ‘cause Lisa and I are separated, and ‘cause I was so young and poor when Ben was born. And he’s… you know, growing up so fast. I want a baby again. I want to raise a baby with you.”

“I want to raise a baby with you too,” Cas said with a wide smile. “But um, probably not for a few years, when we can be a little more settled with a bigger house and when the media attention isn’t ridiculous. And I want to marry you first.”

“You want to marry me?” Dean asked.

“Of course I want to marry you, Dean,” Cas said, shaking his head. “Why, are you against marriage? Because it’s okay if you are—”

“No!” Dean interrupted. “Fuck, baby. I really want to marry you.”

Cas grabbed Dean’s face and drew him into a passionate kiss.

“So… are we like… engaged now?” Dean asked.

Cas shook his head. “No, Dean, this is _not_ the engagement story we’re telling our future children. We’re just having a discussion about our hopes for the future, as all responsible couples should do before making large life choices. Someday, we’re going to be engaged, but that’ll only happen after one of us takes the leap and asks properly with a ring and everything.”

“Okay,” Dean said. “Can I at least say we’re pre-engaged now?”

Cas laughed and kissed Dean again. “Sure, Dean. We can be pre-engaged.”

Dean smiled and moved to straddle Cas as he pinned him against the bed. He dragged Cas into a searing kiss and only separated once they were flushed and panting hard.

Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, and then said, “I’m going to marry the shit out of you.”

Cas laughed and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, pulling him closer to draw him into another kiss. Between kisses, Cas managed to get out, “I’m—going to—marry the—shit out—of—you too.”

“Wanna make you come, but you gotta be quiet,” Dean said as he freed both of their hardening erections from their underwear and got the bottle of lube from their nightstand.

Cas bit down on his lip to avoid making any sound as Dean started stroking their cocks together. When Cas let out a small moan, Dean leaned down and pressed their mouths together, allowing his tongue to explore into Cas’s mouth. When they pulled apart, Cas buried his head against Dean’s neck and started kissing and biting it as Dean kept stroking. They rested their foreheads together as Dean brought them to climax, and managed to hold back the moans in their throat as they both came. Dean collapsed next to Cas on the bed and smiled at him. He _definitely_ wouldn’t mind having this for the rest of his life.


	37. Chapter 37 (May 3 - June 3, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Seven**

_ (Cas) _

Cas knew they weren’t really engaged, and that being pre-engaged wasn’t really a thing, but he’d still been riding high on happy endorphins ever since his talk with Dean. Their anniversary was coming up, and Cas kind of wanted to turn their pre-engagement into an  _ engagement. _

Wanting to avoid anything leaking by being caught shopping for rings in a jewelry store, he custom ordered two matching brushed titanium bands with beveled edges, one of which had the word “always” engraved on the inside, while the other had “forever.” They arrived just two days before their anniversary. 

Because their anniversary was on a Sunday, Sam had agreed to take Ben for the afternoon and then drive him back to Lisa’s so that they would be able to celebrate. The restaurant Cas got a reservation for had a garden out back with a small pathway that led to a gazebo. He was planning to ask Dean to walk through the garden with him after they finished dinner, and then propose. 

The first sign that something was wrong was when Dean said he didn’t want to order any appetizers and only ordered french onion soup.

“You feeling okay, sweetheart?” Cas asked.

“Yeah… stomach’s a little upset, but I’m okay,” Dean said, reaching across the table to take Cas’s hand. “Just happy to be here with you.”

The next sign something was wrong was when Dean abruptly got up after only a few bites of soup and went to the bathroom. After Dean was gone for five minutes, Cas went into the bathroom to check on him, and heard him throwing up.

He knocked on the stall.

“Go away,” Dean grumbled.

“It’s just me, sweetheart,” Cas said.

Cas heard Dean retch into the toilet again. Eventually, Cas heard Dean flush the toilet, and he exited the stall, looking pale and sweaty. 

“Let’s go home, honey,” Cas said as he placed a kiss against Dean’s forehead. 

“I’m gross,” Dean complained.

“You’re not gross. You’re sick, baby,” Cas said.

“Same thing,” Dean muttered. “I’m sorry for ruining—”

“You didn’t ruin anything, sweetheart,” Cas said, pulling Dean into a hug. “We’ll celebrate another day.”

“Okay,” Dean said. 

“I’m gonna pay the bill, and I’ll meet you in the car, okay?” Cas said.

Dean nodded, and Cas placed another kiss against his forehead before going out to pay their bill. Proving that Dean was really sick, Cas found him in the passenger seat of the Impala with his head leaning against the window.

Cas handed a bag that the restaurant let him have to Dean. “So you won’t get Baby dirty.”

Dean smiled up at Cas. “You really do love me.”

“Hey, you must love me too, you’re letting me drive her,” Cas said with a wink.

“Told you I would,” Dean said.

It was a good thing that Cas had gotten the bag, because Dean had to throw up twice in the car on the way home. As soon as they got home, Dean rushed into the house and ran to the bathroom, where he threw up again and then collapsed against the wall. Cas sat down next to him and brushed his fingers through his sweaty hair.

“You’re burning up,” Cas said, his brow knitted with concern.

“Feel gross,” Dean complained.

“Let’s get you to bed, okay, sweetheart?”

Dean nodded and allowed Cas to help him up. Cas slowly helped Dean into their room and then tucked him in and pressed a small kiss to his lips.

“You’ll make yourself sick,” Dean warned.

Cas shrugged. “There’s nothing in this world that’ll stop me from kissing you. Now I’m going to get you some water, okay?”

Dean nodded and closed his eyes. Cas went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water and got a couple Tylenol and the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet. When he got back to the room, Dean was already sleeping, so he had to gently nudge him to wake him up so that he could take the pills and drink the glass of water. He took Dean’s temperature and frowned.

“101.2,” he told Dean.

Dean shrugged. “Not bad.”

Cas sighed and pressed a kiss to Dean’s warm cheek.

“Let’s get you ready for bed. Do you want pajamas?”

Dean shook his head. “I’m burning up. Boxers are fine.”

Cas nodded and helped him undress. As Dean was trying to make himself comfortable, he took off his own clothing, opting to get into pajamas for himself. Dean was already asleep when he crawled into bed next to him. However, during the night, Dean got up several times to throw up and Cas began to grow worried about how sick he was.

“Do you think you need to go to the doctor, honey?” Cas asked.

“’S just a virus,” Dean said. “Go back to sleep, angel.”

Cas frowned and inched closer to Dean, taking his hand as he went back to sleep.

The next day proceeded in a similar manner, with Dean needing to take off work as he alternated between sleeping and throwing up.

When Cas got home in the late afternoon, Dean told him he had only eaten a couple crackers all day and spent the whole day in bed. Cas remembered that Dean always made him tomato rice soup when he was sick and went online to find out how to make it. Realizing they needed to get a couple ingredients, he went to the store to get them and also picked up some Pepto Bismol and ginger ale.

When he got home, he went to check on Dean, who was still asleep, and then went to the kitchen to cook him his soup. He put the food on the tray when he was finished and walked into their room, gently shaking Dean to wake him up.

“Wake up, sweetheart, you need to eat,” Cas said softly.

“You cooked?” Dean asked blearily.

Cas nodded and kissed Dean’s cheek. “I’m sure it’s not as good as what you make, but I tried.”

Dean opened his eyes and sniffed, smiling as he took in the smell. 

“Tomato-rice soup?” he asked.

Cas nodded and Dean shifted, sitting up and leaning against Cas.

“My mom always made that for me when I was sick,” Dean said.

Cas smiled and kissed Dean’s forehead. “You never told me that. I just knew you always made it for me and Ben when we’re sick.”

Dean cuddled up closer to Cas, rubbing his face against his arm. “I love you.”

“I love you too, honey,” Cas said. “Eat, please?”

Dean nodded and moved the tray onto his lap. By the time he was finished eating the soup, he was already starting to nod off again and Cas took the tray away.

The next time Dean got up, he scooted closer to Cas who was in the bed next to him, pulled down the book he was reading, and placed his head in his lap.

“I’m sorry our anniversary sucked,” Dean said.

Cas brushed his fingers through Dean’s hair and said, “It’s alright, darling. It’s just a day. I can celebrate how much I love you any day.”

Dean shuffled closer and leaned his head against his shoulder. “You’re the best.”

“I think you’re the best,” Cas said, pressing a soft kiss to Dean’s lips and throwing his arms around him.

By the end of that day, Dean’s fever seemed to have dissipated and he was no longer throwing up every few minutes. The next day, Dean complained about stomach cramps, but he seemed to be doing much better and was able to go back to work. The day after that, it appeared that they were done with the virus.

And they would have been, had it not been for Cas getting sick in the middle of the night. Dean chastised Cas for kissing him so much when he was sick, but that didn’t stop him from doing the same thing for Cas. Cas seemed to be taking it worse, spending nearly two and a half days alternating between the bed and the toilet. He had to postpone an interview he’d been planning to do with Rachel Maddow because he simply did not have it in him. 

The engagement ring Cas had gotten stayed inside the safe, and Cas’s plans for proposing were put on hold as he struggled to come up with a new proposal plan.


	38. Chapter 38 (June 5 - 18, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Eight**

_(Dean)_

One evening in early June, there was an insistent knocking on their front door. When Cas went to answer it, Charlie was there waiting for them.

“I’ve found something,” she said. “Big.”

“Come in,” Cas said, pulling the door closed behind her.

“So, Marid Enterprises LLC gets almost all of its money from another company, Light Bringer Corp,” Charlie said.

“Okay…” Dean said.

“Light Bringer Corp is incorporated in the British Virgin Islands and their business records are kind of hard to track down, but as far as I can tell, Light Bringer’s only purpose is as a parent company for a Delaware nightclub called Mark of Cain. Have you heard of it?” Charlie asked.

Cas shook his head.

Charlie pulled up a picture of a moderately sized, sparsely populated nightclub and showed it to Cas. “ _This_ is Mark of Cain. Somehow, it makes over ten times more annually than the average club in the surrounding area makes. Even though it’s much smaller and generally less crowded than many of the other bars.”

Cas squinted. “Money laundering?”

“It has to be,” Charlie said. “And guess what law firm does the legal work for Light Bringer Corp, and helped the nightclub get its license?”

“Shurley & Rooney,” Cas guessed. “Luke’s law firm.”

Charlie grinned. “Bingo. And the nightclub is owned by a retired rock star, Vince Vincente.”

“I know who that is,” Dean said. “He was the lead singer for the somewhat popular 80s rock metal band, Ladyheart. What the hell is he doing in all of this?”

“Well!” Charlie said mischievously as she pulled up several pictures of an aged Vince hanging out with Luke. “It _seems_ that he has some interesting friends.”

“This is great work, Charlie,” Cas told her.

“Thanks,” she said. “I’m going to keep digging. The more I look, the sketchier this all looks. They’ve done a surprisingly good job covering their tracks, but none of their business records make any kind of financial sense. There _must_ be illegal money being funneled into these businesses. The cash nature of the nightclub makes all of this harder to track, but it just means I’m going to have to get more...creative.”

“Just stay out of danger,” Cas said. 

“Don’t worry, I’m good at covering my tracks,” Charlie said with a wink. “Just don’t talk about this to anyone where you can be overheard, and that includes over _all_ methods of using your phone.”

“We won’t,” Dean promised.

“Good. Well, I’ll leave you two to y—”

“Wait, Charlie, we were just about to play a board game. Do you want to join us?” Dean asked. “You can have dinner with us, too. I have lasagna in the oven.”

Charlie glanced at Dean, and then over at Cas, who shrugged. “What game?”

Dean grinned and pointed at the game on the table. “Space Cats Fight Fascism.”

“Sam got it for me for Christmas,” Cas elaborated. “It’s a cooperative game where we play as cats to liberate planets from fascism. I would also strongly advise you not to turn down Dean’s lasagna.”

“Well…” Charlie said. “I do love cats, fighting fascists, and lasagna. You’re on, bitches.”

From that moment on, Charlie stopped being solely their employee, and started being their friend. They still paid her for her work, which she continued to do diligently, but she also began coming over frequently for movie and game nights, often with Sam and Jess also joining. In a strange way, she was the perfect friend for Cas and Dean. She had an incredible scientific mind that could hold debates with Cas for hours, but she also had a nearly supernatural ability to remember pop culture trivia in a way only Dean could appreciate. In a weirdly short period of time, she became one of their closest friends.


	39. Chapter 39 (June 19, 2020)

#  **Chapter Thirty-Nine**

_(Dean)_

As Dean left the garage the friday of Father’s Day weekend, he noticed a man leaning against Baby and smoking a cigarette. 

Irritated, he went up to the man and said, “This is my car, dude.”

“I know,” the man said, flicking his cigarette to hit the side of Dean’s car and making Dean cringe.

“Can I help you?” 

“You can, actually,” the man said with a smirk. “I’ll try to be quick. I know you want to get to your son. Wouldn’t want to miss seeing your son on Father’s day, would you?”

Dean’s chest pounded and he clenched his fists. “What do you want?”

“Nothing big,” the guy said. “Ask your _boyfriend_ if he remembers Sarah. Ask Charlie about Celeste Middleton.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Who the fuck are you?”

The guy stood up straight, finally taking his grubby hands off Dean’s car. He walked a few steps toward Dean and said, “I can be your worst nightmare. I’d rather not be, though. We can all just back off, and nobody has to get hurt. There’s no reason any of this has to escalate.”

“Tell Luke to fuck off,” Dean said.

The man’s face turned from amused to furious in an instant, and he punched Dean painfully in the stomach, so hard that Dean felt the wind being knocked out of him. As Dean recoiled in pain, the man walked off, getting into a black mercedes with no license plates. 

Immediately after getting into the car, Dean rooted around in the glove compartment and found the burner phone Charlie told him to use if there was an emergency.

He dialed Charlie’s number and waited until she picked up.

“Jensen?” Dean recognized it as the alias Charlie had made for him, just in case.

“Poughkeepsie,” Dean said, giving Charlie the word they’d agreed on as their distress signal.

“Join me for some frog stories,” Charlie said. “Shall I bring Misha?”

“Yes,” Dean said, relieved that she brought up getting Cas herself. 

He heard a click, and recognized Charlie had hung up. _Join me for some frog stories._ There was a store called Books Inc that had story time for kids every Sunday. The week before, Dean had told Charlie that he used to take Ben when he was younger, but Ben always called it “frog stories” because the logo on the advertisements for story time had frogs sitting on mushrooms inside a book. 

He drove to Books Inc as quickly as he could, and then parked around the block to not have his car immediately outside the bookstore. He then walked back to the store, wearing his hat and sunglasses, and snuck inside to wait for Charlie and Cas. Nearly thirty minutes later, they finally arrived.

Charlie took one look at Dean and said, “Let’s go.”

He followed Charlie back outside, and got inside the back of a 2001 Toyota Camry that Charlie had driven to the store, which was definitely not her usual car. Cas also got in the back with Dean, even though the passenger seat was empty. As soon as they were in the car, Charlie started driving and said, “Dean, turn your phone off, and then you can talk.”

“I got confronted by a guy outside my work. He threatened us,” Dean said after shutting off his phone.

Cas scooted closer to Dean and said, “What did he say?”

Dean took a deep breath and recounted the encounter to Charlie and Cas. As he was telling them what happened, he watched as Cas’s face started looking increasingly more alarmed. 

“He told me to ask you about Sarah, and ask Charlie about… I think it was Celeste Middleston?”

Charlie’s foot tapped on the brakes a little more aggressively than he expected, making them all jerk forward. Cas’s look of horror intensified.

“Middleton,” Charlie corrected.

“Well, who the fuck are Sarah and Celeste?” Dean asked.

“Sarah’s dead,” Cas said at the same time as Charlie said, “I’m Celeste.”

Dean looked rapidly between Charlie and Cas, unsure of which he should focus on. Without deciding, he simply asked, “What?”

“Sarah was Luke’s high school girlfriend,” Cas said.

“What happened?”

“I was only six, so I don’t really know the details. I only know what I’ve heard from Gabriel,” Cas said. “She accused Luke of raping and assaulting her after they broke up, but it was covered up by the cops. Dad was governor at the time.”

“What? How did this stay buried?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. “He was never arrested. I don’t think they really investigated at all. Two weeks after she reported him, she was found dead. Drug overdose.”

“So...Is Luke trying to remind us that any crimes we might find will be covered up by the cops and his father?” Dean asked.

“Either that or he’s trying to warn us that we might end up conveniently dead,” Charlie said.

Cas furrowed his brow. “You think he killed Sarah?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it matters if he did or not. I think he wants us to be too scared to keep digging,” Charlie said.

“Well, it fucking worked,” Dean said. “They knew I was on my way to meet Ben. They knew my schedule. They outright threatened they’d hurt us if we didn’t back off.”

Cas placed his hand on Dean’s thigh. “Dean’s right. I’m not risking any of our safety for this. We never set out to try to take down Luke. We just wanted something to make him back off. If the guy threatening Dean made it seem like they would back off if we did…”

“They’re covering up something really, really big,” Charlie said. “We’re close. I can feel it. That’s why they’re scared.”

Cas shook his head. “I know they are. I’m just not sure if we should be the ones to uncover it.”

“As far as we know, nobody else is even looking, Cas,” Charlie said.

“I’m supposed to be picking up my son for father’s day weekend right now, and I’m here instead, driving _who the fuck knows where,_ worried that Luke’s people are waiting to catch up with me and my son,” Dean told her.

“Oh, I’m not driving aimlessly, I’m driving to a safehouse,” Charlie said. “We can stop to get Ben first, if you want, though.”

“Wait, _what?_ ”

“We should lay low until we decide what to do,” Charlie said. “Somehow they found out we were digging. We don’t know how, and they may have found a way of listening in to us.”

“We’ve decided what to do,” Cas said. “We need to stop digging.”

“Yeah, and are you going to go back to being silent?” Charlie asked. “It’s not really clear if that’s part of what Luke meant about backing down.”

Cas frowned. “If I have to, I will. I won’t risk Dean or his family’s safety.”

“Cas…” Dean sighed. 

Cas tilted Dean’s chin up to look at him. “What do you think, love?”

“I don’t know,” Dean said. “I’m _terrified_. But I also don’t like the idea of letting his threats silence you. Isn’t there someone else we can turn to for help? The stuff you found is obviously criminal.”

“What, like send it to law enforcement?” Charlie scoffed. “This involves overseas transactions. It would have to be a federal case. You think the Shurley justice department is going to use its resources going after Luke? You really think you can trust everyone there?”

Dean sagged in his seat. “I guess not.”

After a couple minutes silence, Cas said, “If Sarah was meant to be used to threaten us, what is the meaning behind Celeste?”

Charlie sighed. “That’s just a warning for me.”

“Charlie, what did you mean when you said you were Celeste?” Dean asked.

“Celeste Middleton is my birth name, my legal name. I haven’t been called that name in years,” Charlie said. “Charlene Bradbury is a false identity.”

“So they were warning you that they knew who you are?” Dean asked.

“They’re warning me that they know who I am, and that they know what I’ve done,” Charlie said.

“Charlie… What aren’t you telling us?” Cas asked.

Charlie frowned, and pulled off onto an exit, making her way to a rest stop. She stopped in front of a gas station.

“When I was twelve, my parents were in a car accident. My dad died immediately. My mom has been in a vegetative state ever since,” Charlie said.

“I’m sorry, Char,” Dean said.

“Hey, there’s a reason why your story resonated with me,” she said with a shrug. “Anyway, I was sent to foster care. I’d been a nerdy computer geek before they died, but afterwards… I got consumed by it. I’d only done some hacking pranks before they died, but it became compulsive after they died. I tried breaking into everything, just because I could. You remember the game _Red Scare_?”

“No,” Cas said.

“Yes,” Dean said. “That was you?”

“What was her?” Cas asked.

“Red Scare was a first person shooter game where the player had to fight super soldier vampires to try to save hospital patients. Someone hacked into its servers and released it for free,” Dean explained. “Sam and I played the shit out of that game. We couldn’t exactly afford to buy any games.”

Charlie nodded. “I was invited into the beta, and I found a critical security flaw that gave me admin access. I reprogrammed it to reflect my flamingly liberal politics, and then released it to everyone. It wasn’t long before they traced it back to me, and I ran away from my foster home before they could arrest me and never turned back.”

“So he’s warning you that he could turn you in for Red Scare?” Dean asked.

Charlie shook her head. “I don’t think they could arrest me for that anymore. I’m sure it’s past the statute of limitations. They’re trying to make it clear that they know who I am and know that my methods are...less than legal, which probably means they know things that are more recent and which _could_ get me in legal trouble. They might also be trying to hint that I should go on the run again.”

“Okay, so…” Dean squinted. “We need to figure out what to do about Ben. I need to talk to Lisa somehow.”

“You’re supposed to pick him up, right? I say we pick him up, take him with us to the safe house,” Charlie said.

“Is that what’s safest for Ben?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Luke has people watching his house, especially when they knew you were on your way to pick him up,” Charlie said. “If they don’t know where you are…”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut. “Right. I’m going to call Lisa.”

“Don’t tell her anything over the phone,” Charlie insisted. “Tell her you’ll explain when we’re there.”

“Fine,” Dean said as he turned his phone on and dialed Lisa’s number.

“Hello, Dean. Are you on your way?” Lisa asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “I need to talk to you once I get there. There are some complications.”

“What kind of complications?”

“It’s better if I explain in person,” Dean said.

“Okay, you’re freaking me out, Dean,” Lisa said.

“I’ll see you soon, Lis,” Dean said as he hung up the phone.

Dean sighed and leaned against Cas. “She’s going to kill me.”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas said.

“It’s not your fault that your brother is a sociopath,” Dean said.

Cas frowned. “It’s my fault for dragging you into this.”

“Cas, just… don’t,” Dean said. 

Cas nodded and stared out the window. His body was rigid and tense, even as Dean leaned against him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red Scare is taken from 8.20 Pac-Man Fever. (http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/8.20_Pac-Man_Fever_(transcript))


	40. Chapter 40 (June 19, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty**

_(Cas)_

Cas was so incredibly angry at himself. He’d been so selfish, and now Dean had to pay the price. He should have known better than to get this involved. He’d stayed out of this bullshit for so many years by just remaining neutral. How fucking _selfish_ and _arrogant_ it was to think he could actually make a difference. The only difference he made was hurting the people he loved.

The guilt only got worse when immediately after arriving at the house, Charlie announced they needed to turn off all wireless devices, including the router and cable box, while she swept the house for bugs.

“Bugs?” Lisa asked.

“Recording devices,” Charlie answered. “You guys should go outside the house and talk while I do it. Get away from the house and turn off your phones. Try not to raise your voices enough to be overheard.”

“What the hell is going on?” Lisa asked.

Matt squeezed Lisa’s shoulder. “I’ll distract Ben with legos. Go figure out what the fuck is happening.”

Lisa sighed and rolled her eyes. “Thanks, Matt. Let’s go.”

Cas followed Dean and Lisa outside, painfully aware of the tension between both of them.

“So, spill, why are we suddenly in a spy movie?” Lisa asked.

Dean stared at the ground as he said, “We were threatened. By Luke Shurley, we think. He sent someone to my work to try to intimidate us.”

“Why? What did you do?”

“We didn’t…” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “We didn’t _do_ anything. But we may have...stumbled across some information he didn’t want us knowing.”

“Yeah? Stumbled across?” Lisa asked skeptically.

Dean shrugged. “We didn’t know what we’d find when we started looking into it.”

“But why the fuck were you looking into anything at all?” Lisa asked.

“We… We found out that they paid Cas’s secret service agent to take the picture of us kissing, and then we found that they paid Lee to write that article…and we just wanted to figure out who was behind the payments.”

“Oh, sure, so you knew you already had people who were targeting you, and you said, ‘hey, I know! Let’s deal with this ourselves! I’m sure I, a mechanic, and my boyfriend, the PhD student, can definitely handle a bribery scheme by ourselves!’” Lisa said sarcastically. Cas could tell how hard it was for her to keep her voice from raising.

Dean frowned. “In retrospect, maybe…”

“Dean. You _promised_ me. You said no more secrets,” Lisa said in a low, angry whisper. “You told me you wouldn’t keep anything from me that might impact Ben.”

“It’s not Dean’s fault,” Cas said. “He was just—”

“No,” Lisa said, cutting him off. “Keeping this from me is definitely Dean’s fault. And frankly, I don’t really want to hear from you right now either.”

“Look… we’re going to handle it,” Dean said.

“I’m going to tell Luke we’re backing off,” Cas said.

“Right, well, until I believe you that it’s safe, don’t fucking come around here expecting to see Ben,” Lisa said.

Dean looked like she punched him. “Lis…”

“Don’t you fucking dare try to consider taking him right now, Dean,” Lisa said furiously. “You’re telling me you’ve been threatened, that you’re not safe? You’re paranoid enough that you’re sweeping _my_ house for bugs. How are you going to make sure he’s safe?”

“Charlie has a safe house…”

“I don’t fucking know Charlie, and how can you really be sure it’s safe?” Lisa said with a slightly raised voice, apparently unable to keep her voice low.

“But...I can’t be sure he’s safe here either. What if they’re watching you?” 

“Then Matt and I will take Ben on an impromptu vacation,” Lisa said. “If you’re the person they’re threatening, he’s _not_ going with you. And you’re not going to change my mind.”

“But...it’s Father’s Day this weekend,” Dean said sadly.

“I don’t fucking care that it’s Father’s Day!” Lisa screamed. 

She took a deep breath and said in a quieter voice, “This isn’t about you, Dean. You chose your love life and your fucking public reputation over Ben, and this is the cost. Just be fucking grateful that I’m not saying I’ll never let you see him again. Don’t tempt me, because I’m really fucking on the edge. I can not believe you right now.”

“Right,” Dean said. “You’re...right.”

“Get out of my sight, and as soon as Charlie finishes sweeping for ‘bugs’, get the fuck out of my house,” Lisa said.

“What should I tell Ben?” Dean asked.

Lisa glared at him. “You know what, Dean? I really don’t care. Why don’t you tell him you’re an irresponsible moron who got involved in something you had no business getting involved in?”

Cas saw Dean wince from that comment, and really wanted to say something to defend him, but he knew that there wasn’t anything he could say.

“I’m sorry, Lis,” Dean said.

“Get. Out,” Lisa seethed.

Cas followed Dean back into the house, and let him have some alone time with Ben. He listened as he heard Ben crying and screaming, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. When Dean finally came back, his eyes were red and puffy, and Cas knew he’d been crying.

“Are you done?” He asked Charlie.

Charlie nodded. “Just did my last check with a radiofrequency detector. All clear.”

“Let’s go, then,” Dean said.

For the rest of the drive home, Dean sat silently, staring out the window and intermittently crying. He ignored any comment from Charlie or Cas, and immediately went to the bedroom and locked the door in the safe house once they arrived.

While Dean was locked in the bedroom and Charlie left the safe house to go do sweeps of both their apartments, Cas called Luke for the first time in years. 

“Ah, little brother,” Luke said as he picked up. “I guess you’re calling because Dean got his present?”

“You win,” Cas said. 

“Hmmm… and what did I win, Cas?”

“We’ll back off,” Cas said. “Just tell me what you fucking want, and leave us alone.”

“Just close your misguided detective agency and we’re good,” Luke said. “I can call off my hounds, you can call off yours. Case closed.”

“So… you don’t want me to be silent?”

Luke laughed. “You think I care about your self-righteous articles or idiotic interviews? Do whatever. Honestly, for as mad as they make Michael, I kinda love them. They drive him _nuts._ ”

“But...you outed me to shut me up,” Cas said, confused. 

“No idea what you’re talking about,” Luke said. “But if someone hypothetically did do that, maybe they miscalculated how far their nerdy little brother was willing to go in response. Stick out of my business, and I’ll stick out of yours. One time deal. My next deal will not have terms that are nearly so generous for you.”

“Fine,” Cas said. “Just stay out of Dean’s life.”

“Pleasure doing business with you, little bro,” Luke said.

Cas hung up the phone, irritated at Luke’s amused and smug voice. He’d never felt a visceral rage inside of him this powerful; he’d never before wanted to punch something from anger. The bedroom was still locked, and he was all alone, and he needed to breathe. He stepped outside onto the porch and breathed in some fresh air. When that didn’t help, he collapsed onto the ground and broke down into hysterical sobs with his hands clenched so tightly that his nails began digging into his palms.


	41. Chapter 41 (June 19 - July 3, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-One**

_(Dean)_

They heard from Charlie that she found and removed a recording device in the smoke detector of their apartment. This information caused a sinking feeling in Dean’s stomach, knowing that they’d had their privacy violated. Either someone had gotten past all the apartment’s security systems, or Uriel had planted it before he was fired. This meant that either someone was able to break in without being noticed, or they’d had someone listening into their conversations for _months_. His only solace was that it was only an audio recording device, and it was unlikely that someone was out there with a sex tape that showed their faces.

After Cas got assurances from Luke that they were safe and Charlie made some improvements to their security system, they returned home. The domestic bliss they’d been living in didn’t return.

Dean spent most of Saturday in bed, and all of Sunday, glaring at Cas when he even mentioned the words “father’s day.” He called Ben, but that just made him feel worse. He felt like such a failure as a father. Lisa had been right. 

He couldn’t help repeating the words she’d said, especially the thought that he’d chosen his love life over his son. He’d never meant to make Ben unsafe, and yet… He’d been so willing to go along with everything, even as it became clear that they were getting in over their head. Even when Cas started to become paranoid, like with the dead rat on their mat, he’d been the one telling Cas he shouldn’t be so worried.

He didn’t want to talk to Cas. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He ignored Garth and Tara at the garage, ignored calls from Sam and Jess, ignored calls from Charlie, ignored calls from Bobby, ignored calls from Jo. He went to bed every night with Cas, but they barely talked other than a quick “I love you” before bed. There was no cuddling. There was no sex. He could see how much it was hurting Cas, but he couldn’t help but blame him for everything that happened. He’d decided to speak out. He’d hired Charlie.

Another voice in his head reminded him that he’d been open and sought Dean’s approval for all these decisions. Dean hadn’t just approved it; he’d encouraged it, even when it was clear they were getting caught up in a criminal conspiracy. That voice just made him hate himself more.

Two weeks after everything happened, Dean went into work, expecting another day of working overtime while wearing headphones to avoid everything and everyone both at work and Cas at home. He listened to classic rock, not caring to hear any news. Getting invested in the election was a mistake.

Unfortunately, that day ended differently than expected when Gordon cornered him in the bathroom.

“Everyone’s _so worried_ about you, Deanna,” Gordon mocked.

Dean gritted his teeth. “Go away, Gordon.”

“I told them a little dick up your ass would clear this all up,” Gordon said.

Dean glared at him. “Why, you offering? Repressed urges? You in the closet, Gordon?”

“Don’t you dare pin your unnatural cravings on me,” Gordon said.

“Then you can ever so kindly leave,” Dean replied.

Gordon narrowed his eyes and said, “Don’t tell me what to do, _faggot_.”

Dean felt an uncontrollable rage build up and punched Gordon in the face. He pulled back to punch again when he was interrupted by Victor rushing into the bathroom.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Victor yelled.

“He _punched_ me,” Gordon said. The blood streaming out of his nose confirmed the story, even as Dean remained silent.

“Dean, go get some air, get the fuck out of here,” Victor said.

Dean left the bathroom, glaring at Gordon as he left. He walked outside and immediately started hyperventilating. He was definitely going to lose his job. He couldn’t even manage his fucking temper. He was just as useless as a person as he was a father.

Needing someone to talk to, and craving Cas’s voice for the first time in two weeks, he called Cas’s number. It went to voicemail, and Dean realized that Cas was in the middle of teaching a class. He kicked a tree, needing to let out some of the anger.

When Rufus finally came out to talk to him, he told him to go home and not bother coming in for the rest of the week. He told him he could keep his job, but only because the other employees confirmed that Gordon had been harassing Dean for months.

He texted Cas, letting him know he was going home early. When he finally got back to the apartment, he quickly went through several cans of beer, breaking his rule of not drinking when he was angry. The beer worked, but only to get him from the stage of anger to depression. He cried as he ate his way through an entire box of pizza rolls. His face was puffy, and there was snot smeared over his face and shirt sleeves.

Feeling gross, he decided to take a shower. The hot water pouring down on him mixed with the still-present buzz of alcohol allowed him to temporarily let the anger and fear fade away, and he found himself singing in a way he never would if there was any chance of someone hearing him. 


	42. Chapter 42 (July 3, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Two**

_(Cas)_

When Cas got out of class and saw he had a missed call from Dean and a text message that he was coming home early, Cas’s heart thundered in his chest. He was scared about Dean’s well-being, but also secretly thrilled that Dean was even reaching out to him at all. He decided to leave campus early and see Dean to make sure he was okay.

Walking into the apartment, he realized that Dean was nowhere to be seen, but he heard the clear sound of singing in the background. He walked towards the singing, expecting that Dean had the TV on, but soon realized the singing was coming from the master bathroom, not the bedroom. And the shower was on.

And that singing… That wasn’t on a speaker. There was no background music, just someone singing. _Definitely_ live.

Either Dean had kidnapped a rock star and was now forcing them to sing in their bathroom, or _that_ was… Dean.

It made no sense; he’d heard Dean sing before. 

Curiosity caused him to lean on the bathroom door, knowing the door was broken and never latched properly. As the door cracked open, he saw the unmistakable sight of Dean in the shower _singing his heart out_ into a bottle of shampoo that he was pretending was a microphone.

Castiel leaned against the doorway and watched, with a grin on his lips and one eyebrow quirked, as Dean sang through _Whipping Post_ by The Allman Brothers.

After singing an extremely raspy _Sometimes I feel like…_ , he turned his head and caught sight of Cas and immediately slipped.

“Don’t hurt yourself, babe,” Cas said, coming over to pull Dean up. “And don’t stop on my account. I was _truly_ enjoying the show.”

Dean’s cheeks were bright red and he grasped at the shower curtain and used it to cover his naked body, even though it was certainly not a new sight for Cas.

“Jeez, Cas. Warn a guy,” Dean said, clearly embarrassed.

Cas reached over and placed his hand against Dean’s cheek, smiling as Dean leaned into the touch for the first time since they’d seen Lisa. “You know… Where the fuck have you been hiding that? Why didn’t you tell me I was dating a rock star?”

Dean shrugged. “I’m not, like, particularly good, or anything. I just rock out in the shower sometimes. When I’m _alone_. What are you doing here, anyway?” 

“Your text worried me, and I needed to see you,” Cas replied, before going back to his main thought. “You’re _incredible_ , Dean. And I’ve heard you sing before. You _did not_ sound like that in the car with Sam.”

“Just like annoying him,” Dean mumbled. 

“You just like annoying him, eh? If it was just about annoying him, you’d sing in front of other people. You _certainly_ would have sang me a lullaby at some point. I have so many uses for this newfound talent…” Cas squinted and tilted his head. “You’re insecure about it, aren’t you?”

Dean shrugged again and glanced away. “Can I help you with something, Cas?”

“You _are_ ,” Cas replied with a slight tone of surprise. “You’re an amazing singer, Dean.”

“ _Cas, why are you here?”_ Dean asked irritably.

Cas frowned. “Just...You said you came home early from work. You texted me for the first time in days. I just thought...you might want to see me.”

Dean sighed, and reached out to squeeze Cas’s forearm affectionately. “Can you wait for me outside and let me finish my shower?”

“I could join you in the shower,” Cas suggested.

“Cas, please…” Dean said with a sigh. “I’ll be out in a minute. Please. I just want to wash my hair out. Then we can talk.”

Cas’s chest felt a sharp pain at Dean’s words. He came here to help him, but of course… He just made everything worse. As usual. Without saying another word, he backed out and closed the door behind him.

“ _T_ _hen we can talk._ ” He was going to break up with him, and he should. After everything that happened, of course he should. Would he be willing to go through the public spectacle and threats for anyone?

As he said it, he realized, he absolutely would. _For Dean._

He sighed. That didn’t mean he should expect Dean would be willing to do it for him. He’d have to be crazy. And he hadn’t grown up in the spotlight. He’d grown up in the shadows. He hadn’t grown up with Luke’s sociopathy. _Of course_ this was too much.

He should just leave. He’d brought all of this on Dean. He was the reason Dean was hurting. And when he knew Dean was already mad at him, he just had to go and ruin one of the few precious moments of carefree fun Dean allowed himself by barging into his shower. And _proposition_ him like a _fucking asshole._

Dean came out five minutes later with a towel around his waist. In a weird bit of modesty, he grabbed some clothes to change in the bathroom before coming back out and sitting on the bed. Dean leaned his head back against the headboard and closed his eyes.

Cas sat down next to him. “It’s okay if this is too much for you, Dean. I understand if you want out. I can help you afford the deposit on another apartment.”

Dean opened his eyes and glared at him. “Is that what _you_ want? To break up?”

“Of course not,” Cas said.

“Then don’t fucking offer,” Dean said. “Why do you always immediately jump to breaking up every time we have a fight?”

“Dean… I just don’t want you to feel forced into being with me,” Cas said.

“For the love of…” Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Cas, I’m here of my own free will.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Cas said. “I don’t know how to help you.”

“You can’t, Cas,” Dean said. With a sigh, he added, “I punched Gordon today.”

“What?”

“That’s why I came home early,” Dean said. “I was suspended for a week.”

“Oh, Dean,” Cas said, taking Dean’s hand, pleased as Dean squeezed his hand and didn’t try to move away from the touch.

“You were the first person I wanted to talk to after. That’s why I called you,” Dean said.

Dean turned to look at Cas and said, “Cas, I hate myself for putting Ben in danger. And yes, I even blame you, even though you asked me for input every step of the way. But I need you. I can’t leave you. You’re the only thing keeping me sane.”

Taking a chance, Cas wrapped an arm around Dean’s shoulders. When Dean didn’t try to move away, he shifted closer.

“I just...I’m so angry. All the time, I’m angry,” Dean said. “I’m just like my fucking father.”

“You are _nothing_ like your father,” Cas said vehemently.

“Yeah, then why did I punch Gordon in the face? Why did I come home and drain a six pack of beer?”

“Because you’ve gone through _a lot_ ,” Cas said. “ _Everyone_ would struggle to go through what you’ve been through lately.”

“What if Lisa was right? What if I chose my love life and my reputation over Ben?”

“Darling, you’ve never put _anything_ over Ben,” Cas said. “You had no reason to think any of this would happen, and as soon as we got threatened, we put his needs first. We stopped digging, even though I _know_ we were on to something.”

“Cas…” Dean said in a broken voice. “I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away.”

“It’s okay, love,” Cas said soothingly.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean said.

“I love you too, Dean,” Cas said. “Always and forever.”

“Can you—can we—” Dean bit his lip nervously.

“What do you want, Dean?”

“I need to feel you,” Dean said.

“Dean, were you worried about asking me to sleep with you? As if I’d say no to that?” Cas asked. 

“Well, we haven’t…”

“That has not been _my_ choice,” Cas said. “You’ve been pushing _me_ away every time I try to initiate any touch, sexual or otherwise.”

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean said.

Cas shook his head and placed an insistent kiss on Dean’s lips. “You do not have to apologize for not wanting to have sex, Dean. Have I missed it? God, yes. But mostly I missed feeling close to you. I missed feeling wanted, feeling...loved. It wasn’t about the sex, Dean, it was about the intimacy.”

“I always loved you, Cas,” Dean said. “That’s why I made sure I said I love you every night before bed.”

“I know, but it’s hard to believe it when you barely talk to me and shy away from every touch,” Cas said.

Dean frowned and kissed Cas’s forehead. “I’m sorry I shut you out. I just...I was so mad, Cas. At everything.”

“I know, sweetheart. That’s why I gave you space,” Cas said. “But if we’re going to...do this, if we’re going to be in this together, we need to at least communicate. It’s _more than understandable_ that you’re mad at me about this, but just talk to me about it. I’d rather fight than feel ignored.”

Dean sighed. “I know. I’ll try to do better about...talking or whatever.”

“I’m just glad you’re back,” Cas said, pressing another kiss to Dean’s lips. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Dean said, pulling Cas on top of him. “Make me yours, baby. Show me who I belong to.”

Cas gasped in surprise at the sudden movement. “Are you sure?”

Dean nodded insistently and whispered into Cas’s ear, “Mark me up. I want to still feel you tomorrow.”

A low whine came out of Cas’s throat, and he looked up at Dean with blown pupils. “The things you do to me, Dean Winchester…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean singing Whipping Post is definitely 100% from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_74JI-lM0Fg (and other times he sang it).


	43. Chapter 43 (July 4 - 10, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Three**

_(Dean)_

Dean had been so stuck in his own headspace that he’d nearly forgotten Cas’s birthday was coming up. He was suddenly grateful for his suspension from work because it gave him the time and space to come up with a birthday plan.

Wanting to start Cas’s day off right, Dean woke him up with a 'birthday blowjob.' Cas tried to reciprocate, running his hand under Dean’s shirt, but Dean pushed him off gently and said it wasn’t _his_ birthday. 

Cas followed Dean into the kitchen as Dean started making a 'birthday breakfast.'

“Do you think I could convince you to put off your research for your birthday day? I know you don’t have any classes today,” Dean said as he dipped some bread into an egg mixture. 

“You can’t just put ‘birthday’ before everything and pretend it makes sense,” Cas told him. “’Birthday day’ is a bit redundant.”

“Shut up, we’re spending the day of your birthday doing birthday things, so birthday day it is,” Dean said.

Cas cocked his head to the side and squinted. “I suppose I could take a day off. I usually don’t do much for my birthday.”

“Well, that shit ends now,” Dean said, handing over a mug of tea and a plate with French toast covered with raspberries. 

“One second,” he said, going into the fridge and bringing out a tray of strawberries covered in a white coating.

“Yogurt covered strawberries,” Dean identified, placing three on Cas’s plate. Dean made his own plate and sat down close enough to Cas that their thighs touched.

“Thanks, honey,” Cas said as he started eating his breakfast.

Dean smiled. “Always.”

After they finished breakfast, Dean and Cas piled into the Impala to go out for Cas’s birthday day.

Dean drove them eastward about forty minutes until he eventually stopped at a large forested area where a small dirt parking lot had been cut out along the side of the road. He got out of the car, walked over to Cas’s side, and opened the door for him before Cas had a chance to open his door himself.

Cas laughed and used Dean’s hand to help him out of the car. “Thank you, kind sir.”

“There’s a trail here,” Dean explained as he went to the trunk, taking out a large duffle bag and a guitar case. Cas squinted in confusion at the guitar case, but walked over next to Dean in any case.

“Do you want me to carry something?” Cas asked.

Dean shook his head and awkwardly rearranged the bag and guitar so he could hold them better. Cas rolled his eyes and took the guitar from Dean, placing the strap around his shoulder. Dean gave him a small embarrassed smile and nodded his head toward the trail.

“I know you, um, I know you said you missed being out in nature since you’ve been more busy,” Dean told him as they walked over to the trail. “And you’ve not been able to go running as much with all the press attention, so I thought you might want some real nature. Hopefully it’s okay that there’s a little bit of a hike…”

“Dean, shush,” Cas interrupted. “It’s beautiful.”

The dirt trail created a path through a large sea of trees with sunlight streaming down from above. The whole area was dominated with bright green hues that Cas claimed reminded him of Dean’s eyes. Occasionally the path would have to become a small bridge as it went over creeks or streams.

Dean stopped suddenly, making Cas stumble slightly before catching his balance. 

“What?” he asked.

“It’s a deer,” Dean said, pointing into the woods where Cas could see a whitetail deer in the distance.

Cas smiled over at the deer and squeezed Dean’s hand.

A short while later, the trail went down a hill towards an open field with picnic tables set up in the center of it. At the edges of the field, several flowers were planted, and the whole field was surrounded by rows of trees. 

On one side of the field, the trees were less prominent and there was a short drop that went down to a small stream. The area was remarkably peaceful and serene, with the lush green surroundings and the calming sounds emanating from the stream.

“Dean, it’s beautiful,” Cas said with a large smile. “How’d you find it?”

Dean gave him a soft smile. “Sam and Jess like to hike and um, do nature things. I asked where I could take you. He said basically nobody ever comes here, which is kind of a shame, but mostly perfect for what I was going for anyway.”

“Cas, I…I’m not much for words…or emotions,” Dean admitted. “You’re way better at this than I am. But you mean everything to me. And um, saying blah blah, the beauty of this forest doesn’t compare to you blah blah or something doesn’t really tell you how I really feel. The truth is I don’t know how to tell you how I feel.”

Dean let out a deep breath as Cas’s mouth parted open in surprise. “So I…I wanted to take you out here to show you how you make me feel even if I can’t tell you in words. Out here, everything seems more…vibrant, alive. It reminds me of the way being with you makes me feel.”

“So that was an incredibly embarrassing to say,” Dean said, biting his lip, “but I just want you to know how thankful I am for you every single day. I’m even thankful to your mother for giving birth to you on this day thirty years ago. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Cas’s eyes widened in surprise through Dean’s speech and when it became clear that Dean was done talking, he threw his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him passionately.

“I love you so, so much,” Cas said as they finally parted.

Dean squeezed Cas’s waist lightly as he said, “I, uh, I have something else for you too.”

He moved away from Cas, walked over to the guitar case, and pulled out an acoustic guitar. He strummed it for a few seconds before looking nervously up at Cas. “So…wow, this is more embarrassing than I thought it would be. But, you uh, in the shower...you seemed, uh, like you wanted this.” 

He paused for a few seconds, looking into Cas’s eyes. “Here’s the problem. I don’t like playing in front of people, so pretend you aren’t here.”

Cas laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

“Shhh,” Dean shushed. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

Dean started strumming the guitar for a few seconds before looking up and saying, “I’m serious. I don’t do this…so if I horribly mess up and get really nervous, it’s uh…it’s because I don’t do this.”

Cas smiled at him encouragingly. “It’s okay, honey. I didn’t even know you played at all.”

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Not very well. Um, Bobby got me the guitar when I was a teenager. I’m...kind of out of practice, but I’ve been practicing this week while I was unable to be at work.”

Dean started strumming the guitar again until eventually he began to sing softly with a beautiful slightly raspy voice marred only slightly by a hint of nervousness.

_If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you._

_When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me._

Dean opened his eyes and smiled over at Cas before singing the next verse.

_Kind man, I give you my all. Kind man, nothing more._

_Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by._

As Dean got further into the song, his body started to relax and his voice got more confident. His fingers flew across the strings with precision and his eyelids fluttered shut as he continued to sing the song.

_My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,_

_Together we shall go until we die. My, my, my._

_An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see._

Dean stopped playing for a second and then did a lengthy guitar solo before singing the last verse of the song, his voice echoing through the trees.

_And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,_

_Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one._

_Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....I’m glad._

Dean looked over and stared into Cas’s eyes as he sang the last lines of the song.

_If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you._

_When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me._

He smiled over at Cas again, his shyness having returned as he finished the song, and he laid his guitar down gently on the grass.

“So uh,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Cas wiped away the tears that had formed in his eyes and smiled over at Dean. “The only thing I’m judging you for is for thinking for a second I wouldn’t love that. What song was that?”

“Thank You by Led Zeppelin,” Dean answered. “I wanted to learn a love song for you. I had to change woman to man, though.”

Cas smiled at him and held out his hand for Dean to come closer. 

“You’re amazing. Why don’t you sing and play more often? How have I never heard you play?” Cas asked in disbelief.

“Because I don’t like being judged,” Dean admitted. “I don’t even like Sammy hearing me sing, though he has heard me play guitar. Only Lisa really has heard me sing, ‘cause I used to sing Ben to sleep, and… Lee, I guess.”

“Lee?”

Dean shrugged. “We used to get drunk and do karaoke a lot.”

“Well, now that I know you can do that, you’re no longer hiding this from me,” Cas insisted. “You are incredible, Dean. And not just because I’m horribly biased, which I am, but because you are just objectively _really_ good.”

Cas kissed Dean gently and said, “Hide it from everyone else if you want to, but don’t hide it from me anymore. I want to hear you sing.”

Dean smiled. “I’ll try.”

Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Dean replied as he unzipped the bag he brought with him. “I brought some other things. Lunch, obviously. But I also brought Yahtzee, and Codenames Duet, and some cards. I don’t know.”

“Are you hungry yet?” Cas asked.

Dean looked over at Cas. “Are you?”

“Not really, but I can eat if you are,” Cas told him.

“I’m good,” Dean said. He took the picnic basket full of food and placed it on the table before getting a blanket out of the duffle bag and laying it on the ground. Cas moved over to sit on the blanket and waited for Dean to bring over the games.

“What do you want to play, angel?” Dean asked.

“Poker?” Cas looked up at Dean. “I want to beat you at your own game.”

Dean grinned. “Good luck with that, babe.”

“I notice you didn’t bring Scrabble,” Cas commented.

“I didn’t want to be here all year,” Dean said, rolling his eyes.

“Clearly you just didn’t want me to smash you,” Cas said.

Dean snorted. “Keep telling yourself that. I beat you at Scrabble once.”

“Yeah,” Cas noted. “ _Once_.”

For the next hour, Dean expertly pummeled Cas in a completely unmatched heads-up Poker battle. 

“Aren’t you supposed to let the birthday boy win?” Cas complained.

Dean laughed and gave Cas a kiss. “No. I will not compromise my Poker integrity for your birthday.”

Cas sighed. “And here I thought you loved me.”

“There are limits, babe,” Dean said. “Just be glad we weren’t playing for any money, ‘cause that woulda been expensive for you.”

Cas groaned. “You’re a monster.”

“Probably,” Dean agreed, putting away the cards. “You want some lunch?”

Cas nodded, and helped Dean lay out the spread he’d made. He’d made a meat and cheese plate with crackers, chocolate covered strawberries, and a variety of finger sandwiches. He brought out a bottle of champagne and poured some into two plastic glasses.

“Cheers,” Dean said, clinking their glasses together. “To my favorite birthday boy in the world.”

“Nikola Tesla was born on July 10th,” Cas said after gulping down his champagne. “Oh, and Jessica Simpson. She’s not a boy, though.”

“She’s also not the love of my life,” Dean said.

“Ah, but Nikola Tesla is,” Cas said. 

Dean playfully tackled Cas to the ground. “I don’t recall sucking Nikola Tesla off this morning.”

“Well, there’s actually quite a bit of debate about what Nikola Tesla’s sexuality was— he may have been asexual, or possibly gay—”

Dean cut Cas off with a kiss.

“I can’t believe you’d cheat on Tesla like this,” Cas said when Dean pulled away.

Dean rolled his eyes. “You’re such a fucking dork.” 

After they both finished eating, Dean said, “Do you want to go home?”

“If you’re ready to go,” Cas said.

Dean grabbed Cas’s hand and moved it to briefly reach below his waistband. Cas’s eyes widened as he felt the satin.

“If you don’t want to have semi-public sex, I think we should,” Dean suggested. 

Without needing any further encouragement, Cas pushed Dean off him and started packing up their belongings. 

“Let’s go, Dean,” Cas urged as he watched Dean stay on the ground, watching him with clear amusement.

Dean laughed and got up to help Cas, stopping to press a few kisses to Cas’s neck and whisper, “I’m going to worship every inch of your body when we get home.”

Cas stared back at him with clear arousal, and Dean just winked as he put the guitar away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "pretend you're not here" and "you're not supposed to be here" are from Jensen, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ALRjQPtbyU


	44. Chapter 44 (July 10, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Four**

_(Dean)_

The ride back to the apartment was almost physically painful for Dean. He somewhat regretted teasing Cas before they left, because Cas seemed to be doing everything in his power to turn him on without touching him and he had to palm himself multiple times as his arousal would flare up while he was driving. Cas kept glancing over at him with clear amusement, and Dean kind of wanted to slap him.

As soon as they got home, Cas pulled Dean into the bedroom.

“I believe you promised to worship my body,” Cas said, his eyes twinkling with amusement and desire. “So. Worship.”

Cas laughed as Dean fell to his knees and clasped his hands together. “Oh, Castiel, angel of Thursday, I bow down before you. I praise you for your love, and kindness, and—“ he looked up into Cas’s eyes, “—your beauty. I give myself to you, wholly and completely, for you to take as your own, always and forever. I will give myself to you every day, every moment, for as long as you will have me.”

“We’re definitely going to Hell, and I don't even believe in it,” Cas said with a laugh.

Ignoring Cas’s interjection, Dean stood up and then looked straight at Cas’s face to say, “And God do I worship your face. Your perfect beautiful face that no piece of artwork could ever hope to compare with, the brightest blue eyes that could not exist anywhere but on the most divine being,” he said as he kissed his way across Cas’s face, only avoiding his lips.

“But the part I worship most on your face is your lips and the way they kiss me, leaving little marks of Heaven all over my body and breathing life into my mouth. I could worship those lips all day,” Dean said, kissing Cas passionately and weaving his hands into Cas’s hair.

“Which leads me to your hair, your beautiful hair that never lies straight. I love running my unworthy fingers through its soft tresses,” Dean said as he ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, causing Cas to tremble, even as he laughed.

Dean removed Cas’s shirt and then threw it on the ground next to them.

“I worship your shoulders and neck that you allow me to ravish so that everyone can know that you are my angel,” Dean said before sucking a bruise onto Cas’s neck and making him moan.

“And you have no idea how much I worship your sensitive nipples,” Dean said as he kissed along Cas’s stomach and then tweaked his nipples, making Cas whimper in pleasure. 

“And I worship your arms that make me feel safe and loved whenever they’re around me and I love how you let me put my own arms around your angelic body,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Cas’s middle and pulled him closer.

Dean unbuttoned Cas’s pants and roughly pulled them down, followed shortly by his underwear.

“I worship your hips,” he said as he kissed from Cas’s groin up to his hips. He placed his hands on Cas’s ass and squeezed the cheeks. “And I worship your tight ass that welcomes me so readily into its splendor.”

“And you know I worship your dick,” Dean said, licking lightly at the shaft.

“Dean,” Cas gasped with pleasure, his cock getting hard with the devotion Dean was pouring onto him.

“And I worship your thighs,” Dean added, before sucking marks onto Cas’s thighs. “And your calves, and your feet,” he said as he pulled away. “I worship you. All of you.”

Cas moaned and pulled Dean up to kiss him feverishly.

“Well, that was incredibly embarrassing and corny, but also strangely effective,” Cas said. “I _want_ you.”

“You have me,” Dean promised before starting to undress, leaving on only the blue satin panties. Cas couldn’t stop himself from moaning at the sight and reaching out to palm against Dean’s erection that was clearly visible through his panties.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous, Dean,” Cas said. 

Dean pulled Cas closer, gave him a kiss under his left ear, and whispered, “I want you to fuck me in my panties. I want you to ruin these panties with our come.”

Cas groaned, and kissed the wet spot that was already forming on the front of Dean’s panties.

“Fuck me, baby, please,” Dean whined.

Cas grabbed the lube from the nightstand. He moved the panties to the side and rubbed some liquid into Dean’s hole, smiling as Dean pushed back as he slid his first finger in. Dean’s body started to tremble with anticipation as Cas continued to work him open.

“Cas, I need you,” Dean said breathlessly as Cas added a third finger.

“Patience,” Cas said, pressing a kiss to Dean’s shoulder.

Dean whined, but it wasn’t much longer before Cas rubbed lube on his cock and began pressing into him. Dean’s back arched as Cas fucked into him in one quick movement.

As Cas fucked into him, the satin against his cock mixed with Cas hitting his prostate at just the right angle had him whimpering in need. After all the build up, it didn’t take long once Cas started thrusting for Dean to start feeling close.

“I’m not gonna last, baby,” Dean whispered.

Cas reached into Dean’s panties to wrap a hand around Dean’s cock as he said, “Me either.”

It only took three strokes before Dean was filling up his panties with come, and Cas came shortly afterwards. Cas kissed Dean softly as he pulled out, and watched in fascination as the come dribbled out of the panties and down Dean’s thighs.

Dean scrunched his face in response to the mess, and Cas helped him out of his panties. To Dean’s surprise, Cas brought the panties up to his mouth and licked them, making Dean groan as his cock gave a small twitch, even though he had just come.

“Best present I’ve ever received,” Cas said.


	45. Chapter 45 (July 13 - August 29, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Five**

_ (Cas) _

The Democratic National Convention took place just a few days after Cas’s birthday, and Elizabeth Warren was formally nominated as the Democratic nominee. It was already pretty clear before the convention that she would end up being the nominee, but Dean and Cas were still excited that the candidate they’d voted for had won, and went out to eat to celebrate.

Cas wore a shirt that said “Warren Has A Plan For That” and Dean wore a shirt that said “The Best President Money Can’t Buy.” They took a selfie together in their shirts toasting with glasses of champagne and posted it on Twitter. Within two minutes, Charlie had cross-posted it on all of their other accounts.

Things with Charlie had become a little more strained. It was clear that she didn’t like being asked to back down, but she followed their lead and solely managed their social media accounts rather than doing any oppositional research. No longer needing to be physically present to give them sensitive information, she flew back to New York.

Because of this, Cas was surprised in late August, two days after the Republican National Convention, when Charlie called them up and asked if they wanted to meet her for a Live Action Role Playing Event that was taking place in San Francisco on the first weekend of September.

“I don’t know…” Dean said.

“I think we should, babe,” Cas said. “If nothing else, it will distract you. I know the weekends are hard for you without Ben.”

Dean sighed. Lisa still wasn’t letting him take Ben for the weekends. Since they’d told her they’d had a recording device implanted in the home, she felt unsafe letting him come stay with them, and she felt doubly unsafe letting them take Ben anywhere public. Instead, Dean would come down and have dinner with them at their house once or twice a week, but it wasn’t the same, even though Lisa let him have daily phone calls every night before Ben went to bed.

“And besides…” Cas continued. “I know you secretly like dressing up.”

Dean blushed, and Cas leaned in to whisper, “And I like watching you dress up.”

“Okay, okay, let’s look up this Moondoor thing,” Dean said, and clicked the link Charlie had sent them.

"Welcome to Moondoor, San Francisco’s largest LARPing game,” Cas read before clicking into the picture gallery, which showed a variety of images of people in medieval clothing. There were pictures of feasts, sword-fights, knighting ceremonies, crafting stations, and a huge variety of food and craft booths.

“Huh, it actually looks kind of awesome,” Dean said.

Cas clicked on a video which showed footage from previous events.

_ Moondoor. A world of intrigue, honor, passion. Four kingdoms – followers of the Moon, Elves, Warriors of yesteryear, and the dreaded Shadow Orcs. All will fight on the fields of never... _

Dean smiled, then glanced over at Cas and saw his amused expression, and resumed his serious expression.

_...in the biannual Battle of Kingdoms. Pick up a sword or a mace. Take control of Moondoor and defend the current ruler…the Queen of Moons. _

“Wait, Charlie’s the Queen?” Dean asked. “Huh. No wonder she’s flying all the way from New York to come.”

Cas shrugged. “Do you think Sam and Jess will want to come?”

“Oh yeah, this is definitely the kind of nerd stuff they would do,” Dean said.

Cas raised an eyebrow. “Like you weren’t just nerding out?”

“Shut up,” Dean answered.

Cas pressed a kiss to Dean’s lips. “You know I love it when you’re enthusiastic. You don’t have to hide it from me.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Dean muttered.

Cas grinned and kissed him again. “You wanna start looking for some costumes?”

Dean winked and said, “You know I do.”

Cas watched with amusement as Dean excitedly looked through multiple websites to find the perfect costume. It was nice to see Dean excited about something outside of Cas, because he’d been struggling to feel passionate about almost anything lately. A fun weekend was exactly what he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue and Moondoor video text taken from 8.11 LARP and the Real Girl (http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/8.11_LARP_and_the_Real_Girl_(transcript))


	46. Chapter 46 (September 5, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Six**

_(Dean)_

Dean had to admit he felt awesome in his costume with the chainmail around his chest and the sword hanging from his hips making him feel invincible. He didn’t mind breaking medieval norms to hold Cas’s hand as they walked from the car and into the festival.

Renaissance music welcomed them in, and the four of them soon walked into the medieval camp where a woman was playing a harp, people in costumes were fighting with mock weapons, a man in fake ears and false rotting teeth was locked in the stocks while another man accused him of being a thief, and other people simply strolled through the camp, joking and laughing as they took everything in. There were large colorful banners that all had different crests, and one large banner that read “Moondoor: The Battle of Kingdoms.” 

“ _Awesome,_ ” Dean said as he looked around.

Cas laughed and squeezed Dean’s hand. Cas gestured at a sign that said “Queen’s Royal Tent” and said, “Let’s go find Charlie.”

Before they got to the tent, they came across two people in helmets swordfighting with foam-covered swords. Before long, one of the swordfighters kneeled and said, “I yield!”

The other swordfighter removed her helmet and shook out her hair, revealing herself to be Charlie. She addressed the crowd, pleading with people to fight for her kingdom as her forces had been depleted, until she saw them in the crowd.

“Oh, my handmaiden is here!” Charlie said. “The queen needs some royal "we" time. Talk amongst thyselves.”

Charlie gestured them over to the large maroon tent, and they followed her inside, where she gave them all hugs.

“It’s great to see you guys!” she said.

“Thanks for inviting us,” Cas said.

“Yeah, thanks, this is really cool,” Sam said.

Charlie grinned. “It is, isn’t it? Couldn’t help showing off my queenliness. I’d just won the role of queen right before I moved back to New York, but there was no way I was missing the Battle of the Kingdoms.”

Dean got distracted looking at a large map covered in many different colored figurines.

“This your battle?” Dean questioned.

Charlie nodded. “Red reps the followers of the Moon – my peeps. Green's for Elves, blue's for Warriors of Yesteryear, and black's for Shadow Orcs – total d-bags. This weekend is the Battle of the Kingdoms to see who wears the Forever Crown.”

Dean examined the map carefully. “You know, if you, uh…” Dean gestured to some of the red figurines and then continued, ”move your archers back and your broadswordsmen to the west…”

“Huh, fight the warriors,” Charlie said.

“Yep,” Dean said.

“Hey, good call,” Charlie replied and Dean smiled.

“Thanks,” he said.

Charlie tilted her head and asked, “What about the Southern Wall?”

Dean and Charlie began discussing strategy and moving figurines around on the map. Before long, Sam and Jess excused themselves to look around more, but Cas remained, watching them with a slightly amused expression.

After realizing they’d been strategizing for at least twenty minutes, Dean looked over at Cas and said, “Hey, sorry for geeking out here, babe.”

Cas shook his head. “Don’t be sorry, love. It’s why we’re here. I want you to enjoy yourself.”

Dean flashed a smile at Cas, but Charlie cleared her throat.

“I...actually have another reason for calling you guys here,” Charlie said with a slightly concerned tone. “I found something. Huge.”

Fear pierced through Dean as he worried that they’d once again be forced into something dangerous.

“I thought we made it clear we didn’t want you looking anymore,” Cas said irritably.

“I didn’t!” Charlie protested. “I...got information from my source in the British Virgin Islands. I didn’t think to tell them to stop looking, because they’d told me they weren’t going to risk their job to help me, so it was a _surprise_ when they gave me the information.”

“We don’t want to hear it,” Cas said and Dean frowned. 

“Maybe we should…” Dean said.

Cas sighed. “Are you sure, love?”

Charlie shook her head. “We can’t talk about this here anyway. Too much chance that someone will overhear. I could come to your apartment before I have to fly back, though. Maybe do another sweep for recording devices, make sure it’s still clear?”

“I _would_ like to ensure that nobody was able to break in and plant anything,” Cas admitted. “ _Fine._ But we _really_ don’t want to get swept up into this again.”

Charlie nodded and said, “I understand. After everything that happened, I kind of don’t want to be part of it either.”

Dean took hold of Cas’s hand and said, “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go check out some of the booths.”

“I’m sorry to bring this here. I really _do_ want you to enjoy Moondor,” Charlie said and Dean waved his hand dismissively.

“I don’t want to do anything that will make us unsafe, but you already have the information, so…” Dean shrugged. “Let’s just forget about it for now. Have some fun.”

Cas smiled at Dean and raised their joined hands to his lips to press a kiss to Dean’s knuckles. “Want to check out some of the booths, my lord?”

“You know I do,” Dean said, giving Cas a peck on the lips.

Dean and Cas spent the next hour shopping until they had bought so many things that Cas had to drop them off in the car. They took a break to eat lunch, and Dean ended up getting a giant turkey drumstick and a blueberry hand pie. They ate their lunch with Sam and Jess, and Dean mocked Sam for getting a portobello burger rather than “real food.”

“At least Sam won’t die before he’s fifty,” Jess joked.

Dean shrugged. “What’s the point of dragging life out if you can’t enjoy it?”

“Ah, yes, Dean, the only thing you enjoy in life is food,” Sam said, pointedly gesturing at Cas.

“Maybe you _should_ eat healthier, love. I fully intend on you outliving me,” Cas said.

Dean shook his head. “ _No,_ don’t you start on me. And you’re _definitely_ outliving me.”

“Mmmm, I disagree,” Cas said as he took a bite of Dean’s turkey leg and winked at him.

Dean rolled his eyes. “You’re lucky I love you. Eat your shepherd’s pie, dude.”

Cas laughed and said, “Just be glad I didn’t take a bite of your pie.”

“Keep your filthy hands off my pie,” Dean said.

Cas kissed Dean’s cheek. “I wouldn’t dare touch your pie, love.”

“As touching as this is, I think Sam and I are going to try the archery station,” Jess said as she wiped her hands on a napkin.

“I bid thee farewell,” Dean said.

Jess laughed. “I shall see you anon.”

“Want to check in on the battle, babe?” Cas said after they’d left, and Dean nodded.

They cleaned up their trash and headed over to the main fighting grounds, interested in seeing how Charlie’s army was faring. Dean was pleased to note that it looked like some of his suggestions had succeeded at taking out large parts of the other armies. He was just about to turn around to note this to Cas when he heard a large bang, and then felt a throbbing pain in his abdomen.

Dean had a moment of wondering if someone had accidentally hit him in the back with one of their swords, when he looked down and was surprised to see blood. _So much blood._

More bangs. The bangs were shots, he realized. _Chaos._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue taken from 8.11 LARP and the Real Girl (http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/8.11_LARP_and_the_Real_Girl_(transcript))


	47. Chapter 47 (September 5, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Seven**

_(Cas)_

At first, Cas looked around to see where the bang came from, expecting fireworks or a backfiring car. But when he turned around, he saw Dean staring in shock as blood started to pour from his abdomen at the same time as more shots began to ring out.

Fear and panic coursed through Cas, but he ran towards Dean, tearing off his tunic and wrapping it around his stomach as he covered Dean with his body. He was afraid to move him too much, and there was no convenient place to give them cover. He pressed on Dean’s wound, trying to limit the blood loss.

“Stay with me, love,” Cas pleaded.

“Cas…” 

“Just stay awake, baby, we’ll be okay,” Cas said, even as more shots and screams rang through the crowds. He could see people rushing to find cover or running to leave the grounds, and saw more and more people being hit by bullets. 

“Cas, you need to run,” Dean said weakly. 

“ _No,_ ” Cas said insistently. “I will not leave you.”

“Shouldn’t both die,” Dean said, and Cas leaned forward to kiss his lips without taking the pressure off Dean’s abdomen.

“You’re not going to die,” Cas said urgently. “I _need_ you. You can’t die.”

“You need to go...find Sam...and Jess,” Dean said, and Cas could tell he was fading.

“Just stay with me, sweetheart,” Cas said.

Cas knew he was a convenient target for the shooter, but the only thing he cared about was saving Dean.

Finally, he heard the sound of sirens. He couldn’t tell how long the shooter had been shooting, but within minutes, he heard a police officer indicate that the shooter was on the lookout that had been built to see the entire battle at once from a distance. Cas tried to look up at it, and saw the figure with the large rifle, but it was too far away to make out any detail about who the shooter was.

“Stay with me, Dean,” Cas urged, but Dean didn’t reply. 

There was an increase in shots, and then the shots stopped completely. Almost immediately, paramedics began rushing into the field, and Cas started screaming for their attention. It felt like hours before someone came to help him, but it was probably only a couple minutes.

Two paramedics came to help him, and he had to step away as they worked on Dean. They didn’t let him follow as they loaded Dean into the ambulance, claiming there was no room in the ambulance for anyone other than victims. He felt so helpless. He needed to get to the hospital, but he couldn’t leave without Sam and Jess.

He watched Dean’s ambulance drive away, and then looked around for Sam, Jess, and Charlie. Eventually, he found Sam sitting by a patch of bloodstained ground by the archery court, completely covered in blood and staring blankly into space.

“Sam?”

Sam looked over at him with a haunted look.

“Sam...where’s Jess?”

Sam shook his head and tears began to stream down his face.

Understanding exactly what happened, Cas said, “Come on, we need to get to the hospital.”

“I don’t think she…” Sam shook his head, and then looked carefully at Cas. “Where’s Dean?”

“We need to get to the hospital,” Cas repeated.

Sam wiped the tears from his face and stood up. Without speaking, they walked to the Impala, and Cas took out the keys he’d taken from Dean’s pocket.

As they got in the car, Sam said, “Dean’s going to kill us for staining the seats.”

Cas took a deep breath and forced himself to hold his tears back as he drove with reckless urgency to the hospital. By the time they got there, the emergency room was in chaos. Nurses and doctors were running between rooms, and it was clear they did not have enough beds as people who were shot on their arms and legs were sitting in chairs in the hallway with gauze and tape wrapped around their wounds. 

Sam begged the front desk to give them information, but the harried and terrified looking woman at the desk told them she didn’t have any information yet. They were told to go to the waiting room, which was filled with distressed friends and family members, most of whom were dressed in medieval clothing, many of whom were covered in blood like they were. A uniformed cop sat in the corner. Phones were going off nonstop. All the chairs were taken, so Cas and Sam sat against the wall on the floor. Sam wrapped his arms around his legs and started to cry. Cas tried to reach out to rest a hand on his back, but Sam pushed him away.

Realizing that he hadn’t found Charlie before they left, he tried to call her number, but she didn’t pick up. He knew he needed to tell Lisa what happened, but he didn’t have her phone number. His heart sank as he grabbed the other phone in his pocket. He turned on the screen and tried not to burst out into tears at the selfie of them snuggled together on the blanket that they’d taken at his birthday picnic.

He didn’t know Dean’s passcode. He tried Dean’s birthday, but it didn’t work.

“Sam, do you know Dean’s passcode for his phone?”

Sam looked up to glare at him.

“I need to call Lisa,” he said. “Ben needs to know. Dean would never forgive me if…”

Sam’s angry expression quickly morphed into understanding, and he unlocked his own phone with his fingerprint and passed it to Cas without a word. Cas looked through the contacts and found Lisa. He dialed the number, trying once again to push his fear from his mind.

“Hello, Sam?” Lisa answered with a slightly questioning tone.

“This is Cas,” Cas said.

“Oh,” Lisa said. “What do you want?”

“Dean…” Cas let out a choked sob.

“Cas, what happened?”

“There was a shooting. Dean…” He couldn’t say it.

“Is he alive?”

Cas broke out into tears. “I _don’t know_.”

“Okay, okay. He’s at the hospital?”

“Yes,” Cas said. “We’re at Zuckerburg San Francisco General Hospital.”

“Okay, we’re on our way,” Lisa said. “And Cas?”

Cas made a noise to indicate he was listening.

“Thanks for calling,” she said.

Nearly an hour after they got there, a man came out and began to read names of people along with their status to the group.

_Eddie Milford, stable. Steve Jenkins, critical. Winona Woodson, stable._

The names continued, and Cas felt his anxiety rising until he heard _Dean Winchester, critical_.

Cas and Sam both let out a simultaneous cry.

“He’s still alive,” Cas said.

 _But critical_ , his pessimistic inner voice said.

After they finished reading out the names, they started calling from a second list, and asked people to come with them into a private room. Everyone knew what that meant, and Sam and Cas knew what it meant that Jess wasn’t on the first list.

Sam broke out into tears.

“They shot her in the head, and there was blood _everywhere,_ and she was just...gone,” Sam said between sobs. “I saw the life fade from her eyes. I couldn’t feel a pulse.”

Eventually, they called Jess’s name, and Cas asked if Sam wanted him to go with him, but he did not. Sam didn’t return for nearly twenty minutes, and when he did, his expression just looked completely dead. He sank back down next to Cas and didn’t say another word.

Soon after Sam returned, a police officer walked up to him.

“Castiel Shurley?” he asked.

Cas nodded.

“I need you to come with me,” the officer said.

Cas shook his head. “No.”

“It’s for your own safety,” the officer replied.

“I need to be here,” Cas said.

The officer shook his head. “You can stay in the hospital, but we need to talk. I can get you a private room.”

Cas looked over at Sam. “Can he come?”

“After we talk,” the officer said, and Cas squeezed Sam’s shoulder as he reluctantly got up.

The officer moved them into a small conference room, and Cas sat down at the table. The officer sat across from him.

“We think you may have been the target,” the officer said, and Cas’s heart sank. _This was all his fault._

“Why?” Cas asked.

“We found a lot of stuff at the shooter’s house and on his social media that indicated he may have had a political motive,” the officer said. 

He pushed a picture of a middle aged white man towards Cas. “Does this man look familiar to you?”

Cas shook his head.

“What about the name Fredric Azazel?” the officer asked, and Cas shook his head again.

The officer sighed. “As far as we can tell, the shooter was working alone, but we want to keep you out of the public waiting room until we can be certain.”

Cas nodded. “But they’ll update me about Dean?”

“That’s up to the hospital,” the officer said. “They know you’re in here, and they’ll know Sam is in here, too.”

“And Lisa and Ben,” Cas said.

The officer raised an eyebrow. “Who?”

“Dean’s son and his son’s mother,” Cas said. “They’re on their way.”

“I’ll let them know, yes,” the officer said.

Cas sighed. “Thanks.”

Sam was escorted into the room a few minutes later, and he slumped into a chair and laid his head down on the desk, not saying a word. 

Several minutes later, a doctor came in to update them. Cas sat up straight to listen, and Sam managed to raise his head to take in what the doctor had to say.

“Dean is in surgery,” the doctor told them. “He had two gunshot wounds, one in his abdomen by his belly button, and an exit wound through his left flank. He had peritonitis when he came in - an inflammation of the inner wall inside the abdomen, which is caused by an infection from bacteria that was caused from a perforation of his organs. We moved him to surgery, and found holes in his stomach and colon, which the surgeon is working to repair now.”

“Is he going to make it?” Cas asked.

“We’re doing everything we can,” the doctor said. “There are always risks in surgery, but he’s in good hands.”

Cas nodded, his stomach tightening once again in fear.

After the doctor left, Sam coldly told him, “I’ll never forgive you if he doesn’t make it.”

“That’s okay. I’ll never forgive myself either,” Cas said.

Lisa and Ben joined them a few minutes later, and Cas took Lisa aside to update her on Dean’s condition while Ben sat down at the table next to Sam. Ben’s face looked pale and terrified, and Cas felt another surge of self-hatred at Dean’s son’s pain. 

The four of them waited for an update for what felt like hours, but Cas really was unsure how long anything was actually taking. He alternated between sitting down and pacing around the room, and went through periods of crying followed by periods of staring blankly and emotionlessly. Sam didn’t say a single word the whole time, even when Lisa tried to give him condolences about Jess and when Ben tried to offer him some oreos.

Cas finally let out a breath of relief when the doctor came back in to say Dean had made it through surgery and was in the recovery room. Even as the doctor talked about the post-op complication risks, at least Dean was _alive_. He had a chance.


	48. Chapter 48 (September 5, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Eight**

_(Dean)_

Dean woke up in the hospital, his head fuzzy and his thoughts confused. He glanced around in a daze and saw Sam slumped in a chair against the wall. He recognized vaguely that he was most likely drugged, but he could still feel a throbbing pain in his abdomen, which he could feel was covered by a large bandage.

“Hey, bitch,” Dean said with a surprisingly scratchy voice.

Sam’s face jerked up to look at him and he gave him a small smile which looked very out of place with the tear tracks running down his face. “Good to see you awake, jerk.”

“What happened?” Dean asked. “Where are Cas and Jess?”

Sam’s face fell. “Jess didn’t make it.”

“Sammy…” Dean drew in a deep breath and tried to clear his head. “I’m so sorry.”

Sammy wiped away the tears on his face. “I’m just glad you’re awake. I thought you… I couldn’t handle it if I lost both of you.” 

“I’m right here, Sammy,” Dean promised. “I’m going to be fine.”

“You’d better be,” Sam said. “So you’re going to listen to every fucking thing the doctor says, and not be your usual stubborn self.”

“I’ll try, I promise,” Dean said. “Is Cas okay?”

“He’s _fine_ , not a scratch on him,” Sam said through gritted teeth. 

“Where is he?” Dean asked.

“Family only until you were awake and could request other people,” Sam said. 

“I request Cas,” Dean said.

“This is all his fucking fault, you know,” Sam said.

“How is a mass shooting Cas’s fault?” Dean asked.

“Shooter was after him, and he was the one who _brilliantly_ decided he didn’t need any secret service protection, who maybe could have stopped this!” 

Dean shook his head and immediately felt dizzy. “They were _spying_ on us, Sam. They leaked pictures of us to the press.”

“And he’s rich! He could have gotten private security!”

“That were able to stop an assault rifle?” Dean asked.

“He made himself a target,” Sam said.

“He saved my life,” Dean replied. “You know that, right? He risked his own life to save mine.”

“What?”

“I was shot, and he wrapped my abdomen with his tunic and kept pressure on my wound, even as I was begging him to run away and leave me. He covered me with his own body so I couldn’t be shot again. We were out in the open, in the same spot I’d _just_ been shot. He could have been shot just as easily,” Dean said.

“Oh,” Sam said.

“I get you’re grieving, Sam, but Cas didn’t do any of this,” Dean said.

Sam sighed. “I’ll get the doctor to check you out. I was supposed to get them as soon as you woke up. I’ll get Cas. Ben’s here, too. We didn’t want him to see you while you were unconscious.”

“Ben’s here?” Dean questioned.

“Yeah, he’s...really scared,” Sam said.

Dean squeezed his eyes shut. “Bring me my baby.”

“Which one?” Sam joked.

“Both,” Dean said.

A nurse came in to examine him soon after Sam left and checked his vitals and temperature. After she was finished, she asked if there was anything else she could do to help him. 

“I think I need more pain medication if possible, because I’m starting to ache pretty badly,” Dean said.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I should have told you. You’re on a morphine drip. If you press this button,” she said, indicating a button connected to the IV, “it will administer extra morphine, but it will not administer more than once every five minutes. Let us know if you still feel pain beyond what the morphine drip is helping you for.”

He pressed the button immediately after she left the room and within a couple of minutes, he felt a rush of joyful relaxation wash over him. The anxiety and sadness that had been building up in him no longer felt quite so overwhelming. He closed his eyes, and was almost drifting off to sleep when he heard the deep voice he loved so much say, “Hello, sweetheart.”

He peeked his eyes open in time for Ben to jump next to him on the bed, jostling him just enough for pain to sneak through the pain medication, causing him to let out an “oof.”

“Careful, Ben,” Cas said. “Stay clear of his stomach, please.”

“I will,” Ben said. “Are you okay, Daddy?”

“I’m doing great, bud,” Dean said as he reached out to squeeze Ben’s arm. “Top notch.”

“Sam and Lisa are in the waiting room. They’ll only let you have two visitors at once,” Cas said.

“That’s okay. I’m happy to have my two favorite guys,” Dean replied.

Cas leaned down to press a gentle kiss to Dean’s lips. “I thought I lost you. Never do that to me again.”

“‘Kay, I’ll avoid getting shot,” Dean said as Cas dragged a chair over to be next to the bed.

“Dean, I…I love you, Dean. I love you _so much_ and when I thought you were gone...” Cas’s voice was shaky, but he glanced at Ben and shook his head, seemingly deciding not to say whatever he was going to say in front of Ben. 

“Hey, baby, I know, I know,” Dean said, taking hold of Cas’s hand while leaving his other hand lying on Ben’s leg. “I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.”

“Why’d they shoot you and Aunt Jess, Dad?” Ben asked.

Dean exchanged a glance with Cas before saying, “There are some bad, messed up people in this world, Ben. They are very angry and blame other people for their anger.”

“That’s fucked up! Aunt Jess never hurt anybody,” Ben said vehemently.

“It is fucked up,” Dean agreed, not bothering to correct Ben’s language.

“Is Uncle Sam going to be okay?”

Dean sighed. “He’s going to be very sad for a long time. He’s going to need a lot of help, buddy. But you and me, we’re going to be there for him, right?” 

Ben nodded and Dean could see that his eyes were watering. “Aunt Jess is...was always nice to me. I’m going to miss her.”

“Me too, Ben,” Dean said as he tried to hold back tears. “It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to miss her. That just shows you loved her. But we’re going to be strong for Sam, right?”

“Right,” Ben confirmed as he laid down in the small bed next to his father. Dean moved his arm to wrap it around Ben’s shoulders.

“I love you, Dad,” Ben said. “I was really scared.”

“I love you too, bud. But they can’t take me out that easily,” Dean said.

“‘Cause you’re Batman?” Ben asked.

Dean laughed. It was a long running joke with Ben that Dean would say he was Batman every time he did something moderately impressive, like successfully throw trash into a garbage can. “Yeah, ‘cause I’m Batman.”

Dean glanced over at Cas and squeezed his hand. “You okay, sweetheart?”

“You’re asking _me_ if _I’m_ okay?” Cas asked.

“Well, you’re looking all scared, so…”

Cas leaned down to give Dean a kiss. “I’m sorry that seeing my boyfriend with a hole through his stomach scares me a little.” 

“Pretty ridiculous of you,” Dean said. 

Cas rolled his eyes, but Dean was pleased to see a small smile. 

They were interrupted by the doctor coming in and wanting to do some more tests. Cas told Dean he’d take Ben back to the waiting room and then stop at home for some clothes and other overnight stuff before returning. With a kiss goodbye for Cas and a tight hug for Ben, Dean was left alone with the doctor.


	49. Chapter 49 (September 5, 2020)

#  **Chapter Forty-Nine**

_(Cas)_

The hospital had managed to do a pretty good job keeping the press out, so he’d nearly forgotten how gigantic a news story this would be until he left the hospital and was immediately barraged with news reporters. He had a cop with him because they still believed he might be in danger, and she helped get the reporters to clear a path for him.

Before they left, he gave a very brief statement confirming that Dean was out of surgery and stable. 

The cop waited outside while he went into his apartment, and Cas was just disabling the security system when he realized that somebody else was in his apartment. He was just about to scream for the cop when he saw the distinctive red hair that made it clear it was Charlie.

“Charlie,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

Charlie shrugged. “I needed somewhere to hide out.”

“How’d you get in?” He asked.

“I set up your security system. Do you really think I don’t know how to disable it?” She asked. 

“But how’d you get past the doormen?” Cas asked.

Charlie grinned. “Oh, I added myself to your approved list.”

“You added yourself—” Cas closed his eyes and shook his head. “ _Of course_ you did. You scare me, Charlie.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll remove myself after I leave,” Charlie said. “I did a sweep, by the way. The apartment is clear of bugs. You should turn your phone off though.”

Cas sighed. “I really don’t want to get back into this.”

“Cas, turn off your phone,” she insisted.

Cas relented, turning his phone off.

“The cops are wrong,” Charlie said. “You weren’t the target.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked. 

“Cas, I’m pretty sure I was the target,” Charlie said. “And maybe Dean.”

“Why?”

“I hacked into the police servers - I know, I know - and they made a map of where people were shot,” she said. “The majority of people were shot by my tent or by my battle outpost. Plus a few by the archery station, which is where I usually spent most of my time at these events before I was Queen. Everywhere I could be expected, people were shot. The only exception was Dean. You guys were on the other end of the battle; there’s no way I’d be expected there.”

Rage coursed through Cas at the idea that _Dean_ had been the intended target, but he also felt a sudden clarity about something he hadn’t put together before.

“Dean was the first person shot,” Cas said. “There was a short pause after Dean was shot before I heard more gunshots.”

“I think it might have been a warning for you,” Charlie said. “They wanted to shut you up, and get me dead.”

“That actually… It makes sense. They didn’t even try to kill me. I wasn’t under any cover. If they wanted me dead, it would have been easy,” Cas said.

“They must know that I know what I know,” Charlie said. “I tried to get in touch with my source, but I can’t reach them.”

“The cops think the shooter worked alone,” Cas said.

“That’s bullshit,” Charlie said. “I think he may have been manipulated rather than paid in order to hide their tracks. He was definitely batshit crazy. I went through years of his social media. But somebody tipped him off about where to shoot. He didn’t have the mental capacity to plan this on his own. And the cops haven’t found any planning materials or internet searches that would explain it.”

“There’s a cop outside. We can talk to her,” Cas said.

Charlie shook her head. “And say what? I hacked into their server to read their case notes and think they’re wrong about their entire theory of the case? And that I’m probably being targeted because I have illegally obtained documents that prove a criminal conspiracy?”

“I guess not,” Cas said. “So what do we do?”

“I don’t know,” Charlie said.

“If they were targeting you, how’d you get away, anyway?” Cas asked.

“Oh, I was restocking armor when the shots started. I changed my armor to different armor and put on a helmet to hide my hair. I figured out pretty quickly that he was shooting from the lookout, and went to a place where I knew there was a blind spot that the lookout couldn’t see,” Charlie said.

“Smart,” Cas said, and Charlie gave a mock bow.

“Well, you’ve gone on the run before, right?” Cas asked and Charlie nodded.

“You need to hide,” he told her. “I can make sure you have funding if you tell me how I can send it in a way that’s untraceable.”

“That would be much appreciated, but it doesn’t solve the problem,” Charlie said. “They won’t stop looking for me as long as they know I know something _and_ that something is still secret.”

“So you think we should find a way to leak the information?” Cas asked.

Charlie nodded. “The documents I have are bulletproof. I was thinking of going to the New York Times or Washington Post or something. Somewhere reputable. Get them to report it.”

Cas shook his head. “Go to Ronan Farrow at the New Yorker. Anna is friends with him. I trust him. I can get you a private way to contact him. And he’s already been followed by spies, so maybe he’s more ready to handle this than most reporters.”

“Okay,” Charlie said.

“So what is your information that’s worth killing for, anyway?” Cas asked.

“I think you were right that it’s safer for you if you don’t know, but let’s just say there’s some very cool corruption going on in your father’s administration,” Charlie said.

“Wow, that’s absolutely shocking,” Cas said in a deadpan voice.

Charlie shrugged. “I know you can’t exactly hide with Dean in the hospital. But you should get some protection for yourself and Dean too, Cas.”

Cas nodded. “I’ll hire some security.”

“I’m not going to be able to contact you. It’s too risky. And Charlie’s dead. Don’t use my name anymore and don’t try to find me. I'll contact you if I need money or information,” Charlie said. 

“Okay,” Cas promised.

Charlie sighed. “I really was starting to like being Charlie, too. I hate starting over.”

“Sorry my brother tried to kill you,” Cas said.

Charlie shrugged. “It’s not your fault and he hit you a lot worse than me, so I’ll forgive you. Send Dean my love...and my apologies. And my condolences. For Jess. I really liked her.”

Cas frowned. “Me too.”

“You need to hurry up and get the stuff you were planning to get before the cop gets suspicious,” Charlie said, and Cas nodded.

He grabbed a duffle bag and filled it full of pajama pants, boxers, and t-shirts for himself and Dean. He grabbed their toothbrushes, toothpaste, and a comb from the bathroom, and then took Dean’s pillow from the bed. Seeing the book Dean was in the middle of reading on the nightstand, Cas decided to grab that too. He was just about to leave the bedroom when he remembered that there was something he needed in the safe. He grabbed some cash and other items from the safe, and then left the apartment to head back to the hospital.


	50. Chapter 50 (September 5, 2020)

#  **Chapter Fifty**

_(Dean)_

Lisa had just left with Ben, apparently to stay at a hotel instead of driving back to Oakland. _Just in case,_ she’d said. Just in case, of course, meaning “just in case something happens and you start dying.” It was a weird thought, but he felt like he couldn’t fully process the danger to his own life.

Especially not while Sam looked like he was the one who was dying. Dean didn’t know what to say to him. He didn’t think he’d know what to say even if he wasn’t mildly drugged with a hole through his abdomen and wires connecting him to a vast assortment of machines.

He felt a sense of genuine relief when Cas finally returned from the apartment, especially when he discovered that he’d brought him his pillow. 

“Memory foam,” Dean said happily as he switched the hospital pillow for his regular pillow and laid back. “It remembers me.”

Cas smiled and caressed his cheek.

“You’re hard to forget,” Cas said. 

Dean reached out to take Cas’s hand.

“I hired a bodyguard. He should be here soon,” Cas said.

Dean squinted. “Why?”

“Dean…” Cas gestured at Dean’s abdomen. “We’re not as safe as we thought we were.”

“I thought the shooter was working alone,” Dean said.

“I don’t think I believe that. Even if he was, what if something like this happens again? I’m not risking it,” Cas said.

“Cas, I don’t think someone will try to kill me in the hospital,” Dean said.

“ _I’m not risking it,”_ Cas repeated emphatically.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Dean asked.

“Just accept the fucking protection,” Sam said irritably.

Dean frowned. “Okay. Fine.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, squeezing Dean’s hand. “Anna, Gabriel, and Charlie all send their love.” 

“You talked to Charlie? She’s okay?”

“Briefly, yes. She didn’t get shot,” Cas said. “We had a very _illuminating_ discussion.”

“Yeah? Did she tell you what she’d found before all this…?”

“No,” Cas replied. “She thought - and I agreed - that it would be safer if we didn’t know.”

“Can’t have been that illuminating then,” Dean said.

“She’s worried for her safety because of what she knows. She thinks it might be related to the shooting. She’s asked that we not try to contact her. In her words, ‘Charlie’s dead,’” Cas said.

“Isn’t that a little extreme?” Dean asked.

“I don’t think so,” Cas said with a sigh. “We think she was the target, not me. You may have been a target, too.”

“Why?”

“You were the first person shot, Dean. They never tried to shoot me, even though I was a pretty easy target. And everyone else was shot in areas where Charlie could be expected,” Cas answered. “I can’t explain more here.”

“So, you think Luke…?”

“I don’t know,” Cas replied. “But I think there’s a good chance, yes.”

“So are we safe here, then?”

“As safe as we are anywhere, I guess, and it’s not like we can exactly leave,” Cas said. “But that’s why I’m getting us a bodyguard.”

“Great, glad we’ve sorted that it’s _your brother_ that’s responsible for killing my fiance and shooting my brother,” Sam said.

“Sam...I knew my brother was extremely unethical, but I _never_ would have expected he was capable of this,” Cas replied. “And I don’t even know for certain if it _was_ him. I just don’t think we can take the risk that it was.”

“I’m going to leave,” Sam said, getting out of his chair. “Call me if anything changes.”

“I will,” Cas answered, but Sam was already leaving the room.

Dean looked after him with an expression of concern. “I don’t know how to help him. He’s just...so angry. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“He’s never lost his fiance before, Dean,” Cas said. “Give him time.”

“It still hasn’t really hit me that she’s gone,” Dean said. “I keep expecting her to come in and tell Sam to loosen up.”

“I wish I had been more comforting to Sam while we were waiting to hear about you, but I didn’t know what to say and my mind was just so focused on you,” Cas said.

“I don’t think there’s anything you could have said that would have made it better,” Dean said.

“I know, but I still feel like I let him down by not trying,” Cas replied.

Dean was quiet for a few seconds before saying, “Sam struggled when we first moved out here. Stanford was so different than anything he’d ever known before. He felt weird and out of place. I started to wonder if he’d made the wrong choice deciding to come here, and I felt guilty because he chose it for me. But then he became friends with Jess.”

“Yeah?”

“She changed him. She made him...open up. He started getting more friends, and becoming just...a normal college kid,” Dean said. “Then they fell in love, and he was just...lighter, happier, you know? I don’t know if he knows how to be happy without her.”

“It’ll take time, but he’ll get through it,” Cas said.

“My dad never did,” Dean replied.

“Sam isn’t your dad,” Cas insisted.

“My dad wasn’t always the person he became, either,” Dean countered.

“We’ll make sure that doesn’t happen to Sam,” Cas promised.

Dean drew in a deep breath, and then winced at the pain.

“Do you need more morphine?” Cas asked.

Dean pressed the button and sighed when it beeped, informing him he could not add any more.

“It’s barely touching the pain, and I’m way too sober right now,” Dean said.

Cas kissed his cheek and said, “Be right back.”

When Cas re-entered the room, a nurse came with him and asked, “Do you want me to add a supplementary dose of morphine? Your doctor approved it, but it might make you a bit dopier than the dose the drip has been giving you.”

“Yes,” he pleaded, grinning happily as she injected a dose into his IV. Within a couple minutes, he felt a strong wave of euphoria take over his mind.

He reached out his hand and made a grabby motion, opening and closing his hands multiple times. Cas laughed and gave him his hand to lace their fingers together. Cas sat back down in the seat without removing his hand from Dean’s.

“Hey, you,” Cas said as he leaned in to kiss Dean’s forehead. “You feeling better?”

“Oh yeah…” Dean said in a dazed voice. “I know I might die and stuff, but I’m not that worried about it.”

“Don’t say that, love,” Cas said.

“No, it’s funny, right?” Dean said with a laugh. “I could give two shakes of a rat’s ass.” 

Dean laughed again and said, “Is that right? Do rats shake their ass or is it something else?”

As Cas stared at Dean in amused confusion, Dean shrugged.

“The meds are working then, huh?” Cas joked.

“Are you kidding? I’m fine,” Dean said. “I actually feel great. Best I’ve felt all day. I don’t even care anymore. And you know what’s even better? I don’t care that I don’t care.”

“I wish I was recording this. You’re adorable when you’re drugged,” Cas said. 

“You’re mean,” Dean said, causing Cas to press a kiss to his neck and utter a muffled ‘love you.’

Cas moved his other hand to run his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean leaned into the touch and gave him a big loopy grin before closing his eyes and dozing off with the feeling of Cas’s hand, a warm comforting weight, in his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue from Dean's high is from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-KXnnaI8VU
> 
> Memory foam, it remembers me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YOMvbyQEow


	51. Chapter 51 (September 6 - October 2, 2020)

#  **Chapter Fifty-One**

_ (Cas) _

Things get worse before they get better, Cas tried to tell himself as Dean struggled in the hospital. His infection wasn’t improving, and they’d had to move him to another antibiotic, which he had an allergic reaction to that gave him a rash over nearly his entire body. They moved him to yet another antibiotic, which thankfully seemed to be working, but Cas constantly felt like he was just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

The security guards, Benny and Caleb, arrived the day after he hired him. They got to know Benny a lot better, since he had the day shift, and Caleb was only there for night shifts. Benny was a charming man with a thick Louisiana accent, and Cas found that he was actually far more helpful than just for his protection skills. He’d found an easy rapport with Dean and spent a lot of his time playing cards or watching sports with him. Cas was grateful, because he knew he wasn’t the best company right now. He was trying, but he was just so worried about Dean’s health that it was making it hard for him to be fun. 

Lisa and Ben stopped by often, though they stopped staying in the hotel by the hospital after a few days. Ben’s visits were always Dean’s favorite, and Cas loved watching as Dean’s face would brighten the moment his son would enter the room. Matt came by three times, and talked to the doctors each time. He reassured Cas that Dean was in good hands, and Cas appreciated having another doctor’s opinion, especially a doctor who knew Dean and cared about him.

Sam visited at least once a day, except for the day of Jess’s funeral. Cas went to Jess’s funeral and delivered a note from Dean to Jess’s dad and stepmom, who both looked completely destroyed. Sam looked even worse, pale and lifeless. His eyes showed no emotion as people came up to him to pay their respects. He knew Sam blamed him for the death, and part of him felt guilty even being at the funeral, especially when some funeral-goers wanted to talk to him to ask about the shooting or his father.

And the media was... _ horrible. _ Even just the headlines made him cringe. 

“17 Dead at San Francisco LARPing Event Attended By Castiel Shurley,” stated the New York Times. 

“San Francisco shooting leaves 17 dead and 31 injured, including Castiel Shurley’s boyfriend Dean Winchester,” stated the Washington Post.

“San Francisco Shooting: Political Motive Likely, says Police Captain,” stated the Wall Street Journal.

They all focused on him, rather than the people who actually lost their lives. He  _ hated _ it.

The cable shows were worse with roundtables full of people speculating on the shooter’s motive, claiming that Castiel’s opposition to his father had enraged the shooter enough that he’d claimed the lives of 17 people. The worst part was when they would show footage of the people being loaded into ambulances, especially when they’d continuously replay the footage of him helplessly following the paramedics as they loaded Dean into the ambulance. They had interviews with people who were at the shooting, or who lost family members in the shooting, and it made him feel so  _ incredibly  _ guilty.

The right wing conspiracy media was the worst, with a crazy fringe that blamed  _ him _ for the shooting, claiming that he’d ordered the shooting to kill Dean and make it seem like a mass shooting. InfoWars speculated that it was because Cas had found out Dean had cheated on him with Jess. It was absolutely insane, and their only “evidence” was that he had left the hospital with a cop. Apparently, that cop was coming to arrest him, but he’d paid her and, he supposed, the entire police department off to cover it up.

After spending the first five days sleeping in a chair in Dean’s hospital room, Dean told him to go sleep at their home. The apartment felt empty and wrong without Dean, and he struggled to sleep, constantly worried that something would happen in the middle of the night and he wouldn’t be there.

After nine days in the ICU, Dean’s infection started to lessen and he was moved to a new less intensive room on the main floor. Dean was given physical therapy, where they helped him walk again with a cane, but every step was hard and painful for him. He was slow and easily fatigued, but they declared that he was ready to leave the hospital a week and a half after being moved to the main floor. They were told it would be months or even years before Dean was fully recovered and that he may struggle with complications from his gunshot wound for the rest of his life.

The day that Dean was discharged, he dropped his cane and stumbled while trying to get out of bed. Cas rushed to catch him before he hurt himself, but in his haste, a jewelry box fell out of his pocket.

Cas helped Dean perch on the side of the bed while he bent down to pick up Dean’s cane, but Dean didn’t take the cane when it was offered to him, and instead stared down at the small ring box. “Cas, what is that?”

“Shit,” Cas said.

“Cas, is that what I think it is?”

Cas sighed and bent down on one knee. He picked up the ring box and opened it for Dean. “I didn’t want to do it like this. I was planning to ask on our anniversary, but then you got sick, so I put it away. I was waiting for a good time to ask you, but then you got shot, and I… they said we weren’t family, Dean. When you were unconscious, I couldn’t see you because we  _ weren’t family. _ I’ve been wanting to ask you ever since, because… Dean, I can’t stand  _ not _ being your family. So I’ve been carrying it around ever since, but the time has never seemed right, because, what, am I going to ask you while you’re getting your catheter removed? Or after you’re given the okay to eat solid foods? When you’re struggling to catch your breath after walking halfway across the room?”

“Cas, is there something you were going to ask me at any point?” Dean interrupted.

“Oh. Yes, right,” Cas said. “Dean Winchester, I love you more than words can say. When I thought I lost you, my whole world felt like it stopped. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, in sickness and in health, and I’m sorry that our engagement will start with the sickness. Will you make me the happiest man in the world by agreeing to marry me?”

“Obviously yes, so get up here and kiss me, because I can not bend down to you,” Dean said.

Cas stood up and placed one of the rings on Dean’s left ring finger, and then let Dean place the other one on his own. After they exchanged rings, Cas pulled Dean into a passionate kiss. He ignored the clapping coming from Benny and a couple nurses behind him as he kissed  _ his fiance. _


	52. Chapter 52 (October 3 - 11, 2020)

#  **Chapter Fifty-Two**

_(Dean)_

Dean’s life was a series of contradictions. He was blissfully happy about being engaged one moment, and then pissed off the next moment about not being able to do basic tasks for himself. He was thrilled to be out of the hospital and back home, but then he would remember that Jess would never come home again.

Lisa let Ben join him for the weekends again, but only if they agreed that Benny would pick Ben up and drop him off and only if they didn’t leave the apartment. Dean couldn’t leave the apartment or drive to get Ben anyway, so he’d easily agreed. It only occurred to him after Ben’s first weekend how weird it would be having Ben when he was unable to take care of him. Ben did more taking care of Dean than Dean was able to do for Ben. It made him feel so useless and powerless to be unable to take care of his son. 

He’d never had to put more on Cas, and it made him feel supremely guilty. Now, Cas had to do _everything_ for him, even sometimes helping him to the bathroom. And Cas had to take care of his son, because he wasn’t capable of doing anything for himself. Cas had just agreed to spend his life with him, but that was before Dean became a whiny burden who got frustrated at his own ineptitude far too easily. 

Dean could see Cas was stressed. He’d been working from home in order to be able to take care of Dean, only leaving in order to teach his classes. He’d stopped working from campus, and stopped having office hours for his students except by appointment. Dean knew he worked better on campus where there were less distractions, and he knew he made it worse by constantly _needing_ stuff.

Despite the stress he was putting on Cas, he was happy that he stayed home with him. Dean had had a job since he was sixteen, often two, and having to stay at home all day was wearing on him. Having Benny and Cas around to give him some attention made the hours of complete nonproductivity much more bearable. Benny, in particular, generally had nothing else to do other than pay attention to him, since there weren’t many threats inside of their apartment. Other than an hourly check of the outside and the security cameras inside the office, Benny spent almost all his time entertaining Dean, because he needed entertainment just as much as Dean did.

Still, Cas was usually the one he called when he needed help, because he felt awkward making Benny do basic tasks for him, especially ones in the bathroom. Cas never complained, and Dean made sure to kiss his thanks every time, but he could see that Cas was often _frustrated._ He never took it out on Dean, but Dean could see it in his expression. 

One night as they were snuggled into bed, Dean laid his face down on Cas’s chest and said, “I’m sorry I’m such a burden, Cas.”

“You’re not a burden, sweetheart,” Cas told him.

“Aren’t I?” Dean asked. “Having to call my boyfriend into the room to help me piss is probably the most embarrassing experience of my life.”

Cas gave him a sharp look. “Your fiance, remember? I’m your partner. I don’t think any less of you for this. This will not make you in any way less desirable to me. I know it’s embarrassing, but maybe when I’m eighty, you’ll have to change my diaper and I’ll feel the embarrassment.”

“Fine, very romantic, but I know I fucked up your schedule and that it’s hard for you to focus at home,” Dean said.

Cas sighed and pecked Dean on the lips. “You want to know the main reason I can’t focus?”

“Cause your fiance needs your help every ten minutes?”

“No, Dean, it’s because I’m _jealous_ ,” Cas said.

“Jealous of what?”

“ _Benny,”_ Cas answered.

“I do _not_ have feelings for Benny,” Dean said. “You’re the one whose bed I sleep in.”

Cas kissed Dean’s shoulder. “I _know_. But it’s not about worrying that you’re going to cheat on me. It’s just...the only times I see you happy and laughing lately is when you’re hanging out with him.”

“You’re always welcome to hang out with us,” Dean said.

“I know, and I do as often as I can, but most of the time, I need to work when I wish I could be with you instead,” Cas said. “I can hear you...being my Dean, and I so rarely get to hear my Dean being happy lately, and I just...I get the moments when you’re frustrated, and he gets the moments where you’re happy.”

“You always make me happy, Cas,” Dean said.

“Not when I force you to do your physical therapy exercises,” Cas replied.

“No, but when I’m feeling frustrated or sad, thinking about you is what gets me through it,” Dean said.

“I know it’s irrational, and I _am_ happy that you get along so well with Benny,” Cas said. “I just wish _I_ could do more that brought a smile to your face.”

“You could make me happy right now,” Dean said with a wink. “I’ve heard you masturbating in the shower, you know. I know I don’t shower enough and my stomach is covered in bandages, but you can always focus that attention _here._ ”

“Dean, it’s not that I don’t _want_ you. You’re recovering from surgery. I don’t want to hurt you,” Cas said.

“They said it was fine as long as we used pain as a guide,” Dean said.

Cas sighed. “Dean, you’re in pain all the time.”

“You know what helps pain?” Dean asked. “Sex endorphins.”

Cas adjusted his body to be able to give Dean a thorough kiss without putting any pressure on Dean’s abdomen.

“I love you,” Cas said, when he pulled away to catch his breath. 

“I love you too,” Dean said before biting at Cas’s lower lip. “I’ve missed this.”

“So has little Dean,” Cas noted, staring down at Dean’s bulge.

“Shut up,” Dean said. “I can’t help it. You’re too damn sexy.”

“If you heard me in the shower, you must have heard me call out your name _every time_ ,” Cas whispered before nibbling at Dean’s ear. He pulled back again and stared at Dean purposefully. “And I want you. Always. Even when you were sweaty and pale with wires sticking out of you.”

Dean laughed. “That’s a lie, but I’ll take it.”

Cas guided Dean’s hand down to his hardening cock. “Does this feel like a lie to you?”

“I’m not currently sweaty and pale with wires—”

Cas cut Dean off by pulling him into a deep passionate kiss. Cas opened his mouth slightly, allowing Dean to lick inside it, as he tangled his hands in Dean’s hair.

“Don’t move, baby,” Cas said as he kissed Dean’s neck. “You hurt when you move, and I need to stop if you start to hurt, so _don’t move._ ”

Dean nodded and allowed Cas to help him take his pants off, but stopped him from removing his shirt. Cas removed his own clothing and slotted himself on top of Dean, careful not to press down on his wound. He sucked kisses to Dean’s jaw and positioned himself so that their cocks were sliding together. Dean felt the deep pool of arousal start to grow as he let out a whimper.

“Touch me, Cas, _please_ ,” Dean begged.

Cas moved, making Dean let out a whine of disapproval as their cocks stopped touching. Cas shushed him, and lowered his head until he could lick away the precome building at the end of Dean’s cock.

Dean jerked as he felt Cas lick up the side of his cock, and Cas rubbed a soothing hand up his side as he took Dean down his throat.

“Oh, fuck, baby, _yes_ ,” Dean said as he thrust unintentionally, wincing at the slight pain he felt in his stomach.

Cas pulled off his cock just long enough to say, “Easy, love, you need to stay _still._ ”

Dean nodded as Cas’s mouth got back to work. His cock throbbed in Cas’s mouth as Cas moved his head up and down as his hand worked the part of his cock that wouldn’t fit in his mouth. As he felt the arousal start to grow, he gripped his fingers in Cas’s hair, which earned him a wink from Cas.

Dean let out a needy moan as he felt his orgasm building, a wave of shivers overtaking him as he felt the usual heat building in his abdomen.

“Cas, baby, I’m close,” Dean whispered, but Cas did not pull off his cock and instead started sucking more urgently until Dean was spilling down his throat. Cas pulled off with a trail of come leaking from his mouth.

“Come here,” Dean said, and Cas moved to draw Dean into a desperate kiss. Dean could taste his own come in Cas’s mouth and feel Cas’s bulge rubbing against his hip.

“Let me,” Dean said as he reached down to grasp Cas’s cock, making him let out a sharp gasp. Dean moved his hand up and down Cas’s cock, twisting it in the way he knew Cas liked, and Cas started thrusting erratically into his fist until he came, painting Dean’s fist in his come.

Feeling sated and happy for the first time in weeks, Dean pulled Cas up to give him a kiss and snuggle into his side.

“How are you feeling? Did it hurt you at all?” Cas asked in a worried voice.

“No, I feel _great_ ,” Dean said, even though he could feel some pain building up in the aftermath of his orgasm.

“You look great,” Cas said, grinning as he kissed Dean again. 

“ _You_ look great. I love this look on you, the happy ‘I just got laid’ look,” Dean said.

“Mmm,” Cas said noncommittally. “I did just get laid. For the first time in over a month.”

“What a coincidence. Me too,” Dean joked as he trailed his hands along the planes of Cas’s body.

Cas smiled. “How did we manage?”

“Some of us used drugs,” Dean said. “Others used frequent shower masturbation to thoughts of their sexy fiance.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you could hear me,” Cas said.

“Oh, I _heard_ you alright,” Dean replied.

“I wanted to be with you every day, you know,” Cas let out. “But you’d just gotten shot and gone through surgery, and I didn’t want to-“

Dean shut him up with a kiss. “I know, dork. I’m not mad at you for masturbating, even if you _did_ turn me on _every time_. I would have initiated before now if I wasn’t in so much fucking pain.”

They were cut off from their conversation by the sound of the intercom going off. Cas squinted, glancing at the time, before picking up the phone to answer the call.

“Hello? Oh, yes, he can come up,” Cas said, and Dean whined in disapproval.

“Who is coming up here at ten thirty in the evening?” Dean muttered irritably once Cas put the phone down.

Cas sighed. “Sam. Let me clean you up and help you get dressed.”

Dean’s heart sank, but he allowed Cas to help him as quickly as possible as they tried to get themselves looking presentable before Sam made it up to their apartment.


	53. Chapter 53 (October 11, 2020)

#  **Chapter Fifty-Three**

_(Dean)_

Dean hadn’t seen Sam since he’d left the hospital. He’d tried to call him multiple times, but Sam never picked up. The only thing that let Dean know Sam was even still alive was that Sam would occasionally respond to texts. Still, that did not prepare Dean for seeing Sam with dark circles under his eyes, an unkempt beard, and matted, greasy hair. Sam was usually meticulous about his hair, but it looked like he hadn’t showered in weeks.

“Come in,” Cas said. 

Sam walked into the apartment and dropped a backpack onto the ground next to the door.

“I’ll make you some tea,” Cas said, leaving Sam alone in the room with Dean.

Dean didn’t know what to say. ‘Are you okay’ certainly wasn’t the right question.

“I can’t be at home,” Sam said. 

“You’re welcome here,” Dean replied. “Always.”

Sam plopped down on the recliner next to the couch Dean was sitting on. “Everything reminds me of Jess. I feel like I’m living with a ghost. Every time I walk into a room, I can just _see_ her. I anticipate seeing her sitting on her favorite chair, reading, and then I remember that she’s fucking dead. I see her car outside my window and think ‘Jess is home’ and then I remember that no, she’s fucking not.”

“You can stay here for as long as you need,” Dean said, hoping Cas wouldn’t mind.

Sam let out a choked laugh. “I have to anyway. I can’t afford that apartment for another month without Jess paying half the rent.”

“Okay, we can find you a new place, and you can stay here until then,” Dean said.

Sam shook his head. “You’re always a problem solver, but you can’t solve this problem. I can’t lose the apartment. It’s all I have left of her, of our _life_ together. But I can’t be there either, because it’s filled full of memories and they’re fucking _torturing_ me.”

“Sam…”

“I dream of her every night,” Sam said in a broken voice. “They always start off happy, _domestic._ We’re happy, together. And they always end the same way. I watch her die, again and again and again. I can’t get the visual of watching the life fade from her eyes out of my mind. I’m going _crazy._ ”

“I used to have nightmares about watching mom burning alive, did I ever tell you that?”

Sam shook his head.

“I used to have them a lot as a kid. I still have them sometimes, rarely,” Dean said. “It feels like I’m reliving my worst memory. I hear the screams, and watch as mom burns alive. In the dream, she’s usually pinned to the ceiling for some reason, and she just...gets consumed by flames. When I was a kid, I used to wake up screaming.”

“I can’t take it,” Sam said.

“Have you thought about trying to get some help?” Dean asked.

Sam shook his head. “They can’t help. They can’t bring her back.”

“Come on, Sam, you were always trying to get me to go to therapy,” Dean said. 

Sam shrugged. “I guess. I just don’t know what the point is. What do I have to live for anymore anyway?”

“ _That’s_ why you need to go to therapy. Your life isn’t over, Sammy,” Dean said.

“It feels like it is,” Sam said. “I was going to get married, become a lawyer, have 2.5 kids. We had it all planned out. We’d just booked a venue, and printed invitations...I have stacks full of invitations for a wedding with a corpse.”

“You can still be a lawyer, Sam. And someday, not any day soon, you will feel ready to find someone else,” Dean said.

“I don’t _want_ anyone else,” Sam insisted.

“I know, but someday you—”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Sam interrupted.

“Okay, okay,” Dean said with a sigh. “How can I help you, Sam?”

Sam shrugged. “You can’t.”

Dean could see Cas hovering with tea by the kitchen, clearly unsure of whether he should interrupt, so Dean tilted his head to indicate he should join him. 

Cas entered the room and handed a mug of tea over to Sam before sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Dean. 

Sam squinted at them. “Are you guys fighting?”

“What? No,” Dean said.

“Well, I was pretty sure you had magnets in your spine that made it downright impossible for you to have any concept of personal space,” Sam said.

Cas frowned. “Sorry, we were just—“

“Yeah, I know why,” Sam interrupted. “But it’s just weird and brings to the surface thoughts of why you’re doing it. Just ‘cause Jess is— well, you’re not dead, so don’t waste it.”

Dean held open his arms and gestured for Cas to come over, which he immediately did, settling himself into Dean’s embrace.

“Sorry, Sam,” Cas said. “We just didn’t want to flaunt our relationship.”

Sam sighed. “I know. And I can’t say it doesn’t sting, seeing the newly engaged couple when my fiance is...gone. I’m sorry I haven’t...congratulated you or whatever, I just…”

“It’s okay, Sam,” Dean said.

Dean squeezed Cas’s thigh and said, “Sam’s going to stay with us for a while.”

“Of course,” Cas replied immediately, and Sam sent him a small, grateful smile.

“I think I’m gonna just go to bed, if that’s okay,” Sam said.

“Of course it’s okay. Ben’s room is open, though it may not be the cleanest,” Dean replied.

Sam shrugged one shoulder. “I’m sure it’s cleaner than my place.”

After Sam got up and went into Ben’s room, Dean sighed and nuzzled his face against Cas’s shoulder.

“Thanks for letting Sam stay here,” Dean said.

“Of course, sweetheart, he’s family,” Cas said. “I overheard him talking about the apartment. I can pay for his rent while he decides what to do.”

Dean sighed. “Cas...I’ll let Sam decide if he wants you to do that or not, but money can’t really fix this. And honestly, it might be better for him to get a fresh start in a place that isn’t filled with memories of Jess anyway.”

“Perhaps,” Cas said with a shrug. “Do you want me to help you back to bed?”

“Yeah, sexy, take me to bed and have your way with me,” Dean said before giving Cas a peck on the lips.

Cas rolled his eyes and held his hand out to help Dean up from the couch. “I’ll take you to bed, and my way with you will be snuggling you to sleep.”

“Mmm, I think I can handle that,” Dean said as he accepted Cas’s hand and stood up. He put his weight on Cas to avoid too much pain as they walked back to the room.


	54. Chapter 54 (October 12 - November 3, 2020)

#  **Chapter Fifty-Four**

_(Cas)_

While Dean was at the hospital, Cas’s apartment felt empty and cold. Now, his apartment felt overcrowded, especially when Ben was visiting. Sam spent most of his time holed up in Ben’s room and avoiding human interaction, but that meant they had to buy a futon to replace the couch in Cas’s office so Ben would have a nice place to sleep. He had no space that was private for him to work, and his house was always filled full of people. And Benny and Dean could be _loud_. They _really_ needed a house.

Dean managed to convince him it would be fine for him to go back to campus beyond his classes, even though he felt guilty leaving him. Dean was doing much better though, and could mostly get around the apartment on his own with a cane. 

Still, his life had been so focused around Dean’s recovery and Sam’s grief that he’d completely forgotten that he’d planted a bomb until Anna sent him a link.

 **Anna (10:47 AM):** https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/fema-money-diverted-to-company-owned-by-luke-shurley

 **Anna (10:47 AM):** soooo this is a thing

#  **FEMA Funds Intended for Hurricane Maria Relief Diverted Into Slush Fund Owned By Luke Shurley**

By Ronan Farrow

Cas read through the article and found himself getting angry. In excruciating detail, Ronan explained how money that was contracted for Puerto Rico’s hurricane relief after the devastating hurricane that killed over 3,000 people was given to a company called Richard Roman Enterprises, which was owned by Dick Roman, a college friend of Luke. 

Although Richard Roman Enterprises did provide some hurricane relief in the form of rebuilding houses, the money they’d been given that was meant to go toward food, bottled water, and power generators was instead sent to a company owned by Luke Shurley based in the British Virgin Islands, which appeared to provide no hurricane relief services.

The money was then laundered back into the United States through improperly reported cash transactions at the Mark of Cain nightclub, and then funneled into another company owned by Luke where it was used to make several suspicious transactions, including the payment to Uriel, the payment to Lee, and several payments to prominent politicians, including some who had changed their votes on the tax reform bill that passed in 2018, giving the administration their main policy achievement. Cas himself wouldn’t call a major tax break for corporations and the richest Americans an achievement, but it was the largest piece of legislation that they’d been able to pass, and with Democrats winning the House in 2018, likely the only one they’d achieve in this term.

“Good work, Charlie,” Cas said to himself, but then he started to worry about the possibility of revenge. He’d encouraged Charlie to do this right after the shooting, right after he’d found out that Luke had targeted Dean personally. It might not have been the best time for him to do a cost benefit analysis when he was so filled with rage.

He knew there wasn’t really anything he could do if Luke was plotting revenge, and that Benny was already at the apartment and much more capable of being helpful than he was, but he still felt the need to go back to his apartment to be with Dean in case anything happened.

He should have expected the news reporter outside the apartment waiting for him, wanting to ask about the transactions to Uriel and Lee, but Cas declined to comment.

He went upstairs to find Dean and Benny already watching MSNBC’s breaking news coverage about Ronan’s article, which they were calling an “October Surprise.” The administration was distancing itself, claiming that the money was contracted to Richard Roman Enterprises and they were not responsible for what happened to it, and Dick Roman was distancing himself, claiming that he thought Luke’s company was providing the services they were contracted for. So far, Luke’s only comment was attacking the reporting as biased and inaccurate, though he did not explain what he thought was inaccurate about it and the reporting was based on extensive documentation, much of which was provided in the article.

Democrats were calling for immediate investigations, and Republicans were either pretending they hadn’t heard the story or claiming it had nothing to do with the administration.

“Hey, babe. Your brother’s a bit of a dick, did you know that?” Dean said as Cas entered the apartment.

Cas laughed and walked over to give Dean a kiss. “I’ve heard that.”

“Was this what Charlie had?” he asked.

Cas nodded. “Yes, I think it was. I recommended she go to Ronan.”

“Huh, so this is why I was shot,” Dean said. “Hm. Doesn’t it feel like a story you’d murder 17 people over would be...bigger?”

Cas shrugged. “He could go to jail over this, and it implicates the administration in his corruption, too. Right before the election, even. But what do I know? I personally haven’t tried to murder anyone to avoid evidence of my crimes leaking out into the public.”

“You haven’t? Sounds like you’re missing out on all the fun, brother,” Benny joked. 

“Benny, I do want you to be on high alert for any threats. I can’t say for certain he won’t try some kind of revenge,” Cas said.

“Got it,” Benny said.

After the revelations came out, the House subpoenaed documents about the FEMA contract, and were immediately stonewalled. The story blew up with accusations of a coverup of fraud and embezzlement, all connected to money that should have been spent to save lives. The administration’s response to Hurricane Maria had already been widely panned as being inadequate and slow, and this story amplified the outrage.

Still, polls showed the election remaining close. Polls of Republicans showed very little support was lost. Interviews with voters found that many people simply didn’t know or care about the scandal.

Republicans in Congress accused Democrats of playing a partisan game in order to win the election. Fox News and other right wing outlets amplified that message and spent all their time discussing how Elizabeth Warren and the Democrats were actually the ones who were corrupt based on completely fabricated scandals.

He ignored reporter requests for comments on the story, and avoided interview requests. He eventually caved and let Anna interview him one last time before the election, but they only briefly touched on the story about Luke.

As election day drew closer, Cas felt his anxiety rising. He honestly didn’t know what he’d do if his father won. He’d put everything on the line to speak out against him, and it had cost him _enormously._ He knew that if his father lost, it would be because of broader coalitions of people who’d worked hard every day to get out the vote and campaign against him. His one voice didn’t make that huge of a difference. But if he won, Cas would wonder if anything he did had been worth it.

The last two weeks before the election, Cas canvassed neighborhoods, trying to convince people to vote. He knew he was in California and it wasn’t exactly a swing state, but down ballot races mattered, too. He was somewhat amused every time someone recognized him and wanted a selfie or an autograph.

The day of the election, he volunteered in the afternoon as a poll worker, even though most people in California voted by mail. He just felt like he had to do _something._ He got home at around three, right as the first polling stations were closing in Indiana and Kentucky.

Dean, Benny, and even Sam were all out in the main room, watching the television. Somebody had printed out four blank maps of the United States and there were blue and red markers ready next to them.

“Hey, honey, how were the polls?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. “Poll-y.”

Dean shifted on the couch to make room for Cas, and Cas snuggled up next to him, pressing a kiss to his lips.

They listened to the media coverage as they waited for results to start to come in. The media coverage was predictable, and mildly annoying, especially when they’d talk about whether Luke’s “scandal” would impact the election.

Eventually, the first states were called. Kentucky and Indiana both voted for Chuck. 

Cas groaned, but it was expected. He would have been shocked if they didn’t go for Chuck.

Vermont and Virginia were called next. _Warren._ Dean started a tradition of kissing him every time a state was called for Warren.

Georgia and South Carolina were too close to call, which was a good sign, but it was still too early to make any predictions.

Ohio and West Virginia both got called for Shurley, but North Carolina was too close to call.

A huge number of states closed their polling stations at 5 PST, and Alabama, Kansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, and South Dakota were all called for Chuck, while Connecticut, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island were all called for Warren.

All three of them let out celebratory cries when Michigan and Pennsylvania were called for Warren, since Chuck had won them in 2016. 

As the night went on, it started to become more clear that his father was most likely going to lose. He wasn’t winning the swing states he needed to get past 270, and by midnight, the race was all but called for Warren.

Wisconsin was finally called at one AM, and even though Florida, North Carolina, and Arizona were still too close to call, Warren had gotten 278 electoral college votes and had won the presidency.

Dean pulled Cas into a passionate kiss. When he pulled away, he said, “We did it.”

Cas kissed him again. “We just elected our first woman president, and kicked my corrupt father out of the White House.”

Even Sam seemed happy, with a rare smile gracing his face.


	55. Chapter 55 (November 3 - 5, 2020)

#  **Chapter Fifty-Five**

_(Cas)_

Cas didn’t really know what he expected after his father lost the presidency. What he certainly hadn’t expected was for his father to grant a “full, free, and absolute pardon unto Luke Shurley for all offenses against the United States which he has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from January 20, 2017 through November 4, 2020” the day after the election.

In other words, he was pardoning him for _any_ crimes he may have committed while Chuck was president. Cas felt a burning rage at this proclamation, especially when he _knew_ Luke was responsible for several deaths, including Jess’, even if he could not prove it. 

The press erupted at this pardon, and especially the timing of the pardon. Chuck was lambasted as corrupt and shameful. Democrats and even some Republicans came out as strongly against the pardon, claiming it was a cover up that was taking justice away from hurricane victims. Even Michael put out a statement disagreeing with the decision to pardon Luke, and blaming Luke for his father’s loss. 

Luke, for his part, seemed to be taking the news as a win. Photographs of him celebrating the day after the pardon with some of his shadier friends at a cigar bar were released, which amplified the criticism of the decision.

Still, even with the burning rage he still felt every time he thought about Luke getting away with everything he’d done, Cas felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

Finally, he could move on. He could spend the holidays with Dean, plan their wedding, get a house, have kids. He could do all of that without having to live under the cloud of his father’s presidency. In just a couple months, he would no longer be the son of the President. 

He could just be Castiel. 

Even better, he could be Castiel _Winchester_.


End file.
